Entries for July, 2004
July 1, 2004 , 01:14 AM
PumpkinSeed
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
got my new portable computer thingie machine!
more bloging!!! on the go!
5:20am
so much I wanna say....type....
but I really gotta get some sleep nowish
I miss you too!
gnight!
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7:10pm
heh heh
aww
8:58pm - woops! got a lil distracted from this....
as I was saying,
aww - how cute! I need to get me my own digital camera...right now I could be showing ya a pic of the squirrel that was just going on and in the garbage can.
and before that, the bird I saw flying - that woulda been a great shot! Had a perfect angle!
oh well
yeah, so right now, I'm at FDU, in the S.U.B. Earlier, Mr. English & his Bro came by...then Roberto. Good seein them.
So as I was mentioning beofore, YAY - got me another SUPER PDA thingamajig. I'm not sure what to call it. I feel I can't really call it a PDA. It's just too...diffferent.
It aint a laptop...aint a palmtop...aint quite a mini-notebook or sub-notebook...aint no pocket pc...sure aint a desktop pc...no, it's not a Tablet PC either....it's not super unique either: there are a few SIMILAR things out there by Compaq, and I think Sharp, and even ericsson.
It's a NETBOOK PRO!! YAY! Made by Psion Teklogix. Only don't like 2 things about it...
1. it's about 3x bigger than I expected when I ordered it (yes from eBay of coarse)
2. it's got Microsoft Windows CE.net as the OS & Microsoft software....
I’m not VERY anti-Microsoft...I just don't like it when my scheduler program crashes and stuff like that.
as for the size....woops! yeah, how does someone spend
on a portable comptermajig, and not know how big it is? Well I read somewhere a review on it, and the reviewer said how it was only slightly larger than the 5mx (what I've been using) blah blah blah, I thought it was the same size, just 1" wider, yet magically with a larger screen at twice the resolution! Those amazing folks at Psion know how to work magic!!.... So I never really paid attention when I read the actual dimensions. If I knew it was this big, I don't know if I’d have bought it...I know I’d look into some other options, like Sony’s mini-notebooks, or a tablet pc.
It's still a great machine (should I call it a machine even though it has no moving parts besides the keyboard, buttons, and a hinge??) Just wish it was small enough to take EVERYWHERE safely...sorta like a PDA.
well yes - this marks the end of a time of disarray, disorder, and blind bloging, since the death of my Psion 5mx's screen. (How long has it been???) No longer must I depend on a loose-leaf sheet of paper as my weekly planner! ONCE AGAIN I will CLEARLY see a complete dynamically updating list of things I didn't do...yet!!! =) Also this means (hopefully) back to more journaling (intuition, dream, and Blog) and reading my own notes!...and having a contact log for my business..and....and it's 9:27pm.
ok - that's enuff for now....got some priority thingies to get done now....says so right in "Pumpkin Seed is On-Schedule 8-P"!
blah
by!
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10:55pm
heh heh
just scarfed down like a pound and a half of burritos! YAY TACO BELL!!!
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2004-06-18
BING!
It is now permitted to use portable electronic devices on this flight
11:40pm - yay!
flyin out to CANADA!
:maple: heh heh
What A day!
about a week and a day ago, bought a round trip reservation with
Bus lines to get to Ottawa, Ontario, Canada for an amazing $122....and an additional investment of about 26 hours travel time. GREAT! So Thursday night, during the heavy downpour, I get driven to the magnificent Newark Bus Terminal by the lovely Rebecca! As I run in, some dude is smiling at me, cheering me on. A few minutes lata, he asked me for some for some grub. Instead I give him 2 
I had stored in my shoe (yes they were in a bag) - that was cool - helpin a hungry dude get a smile and some nourishment. Before long, I meet this other dude, Robert. We talk about stuff for a while - blah blah - then we're off on the first bus to NYC, Penn Station. On the way, me and Robert are talking up a Desert Storm...but he becomes less and less coherent - apparently the vodka was starting to get to him. Before we got to NYC, we had developed a nice comrodery, and we decide to keep in touch. Cool! Now I got a place I'm welcome to stay at in Florida! But now I'm concerned He might not even make there! The longer the time passes, the less he knows or cares where he's going or how to get there. We manage through the terminal, and eventually find out where we each gotta transfer to. He tells me that he bets I'll never call him on the phone. I say I'll call ´round Tuesday. This looks like goodbye!
Well - apparently not yet.
so he's wasted - I'm wide awake
he needs food - I get him 2
YUM!he wants...needs a coffee - but I don’t wanna spend $1.50 on one.
"At this time we ask that you turn off all electronic devices"
.......*
--------------------------------
June 21st, 8:01am
yay
YAWN!!!!!!
so as me wuz sayin´,
YAWN!!!!
`scuse me!
dang - too early to type!
anyway,
so yeah - I got the dude a coffee for $1.51, and when I find him, he's being taken care of by 2 young girls - prolly teenagers - that was an interesting sight - they were helping him add sugar and cream to his coffee, and keep it from spilling on their luggage. Great! Now I don’t have to worry bout him! Like a half hour later, I see him stammering around asking me where his bus leaves from - he went the bathroom, and now is lost. I told him which way to go....then a minute later go to see if he found it....I didn't see him....next day or so, I give a call from the airport, and his relative said he didn't arrive. eh - Just hope he's ok. I'll give a call later. YAY VODKA!
wow- never seen anything like this: Since getting out of the Lincoln Tunnel coming outta NYC to Joizey, the oncoming lane to our left is filled entirely of busses heading to NY Never seen that many busses going anywhere - never even seen that many busses at a bus station! Surely over 100. Think most are coming of the NJ Turnpike.
So yeah - in case ya didn't notice, I mentioned an airport. Why would I mention an Airport if I said I was taking Busses?
Glad you asked!
Round 11pm, I find out I need to meet ID requirements to get outta The States into the land flowing with Maple Syrup! Only "VALID" ID I had on me was my Joizey License...apparently useless without a certified birth certificate or a Baptismal record, or sumthin.
So I make a buncha phone calls: My brother,
USA, Canada, American Airlines, US dept of Immigration Services, 411, Amtrak, Continental, United Airlines, etc., and my brother meets me with my Birth Certificate @ the Port Authority...or is it Penn Station? Well where I was at. All the airlines I've seen so far cost around $540. I decide I gotta find another way to get to Canada so I won't be late for the Seminar (6:45pm) We talk, and I make more phone calls - Continental, United Airlines - we decide to go home. On the way we figure they best option may just be to drive to Canada! We can do it together! I look online @ Expedia.com, Dollar.com, call Dollar Rent-A-Car - and take a lil nap. Wake about 5 hours later, and mum sayz we're not allowed to drive to Canada with our car, or with a rental. mum then encourages me to either not go, or I'm really committed to this, to take a plane. Call US Airlines, Air Canada...then ...one of the service agents mentioned the price for flying from LaGuardia Airportin NY! Oh! It's about $200 cheaper! Ok - that's not so bad! So I call Continental, United, and US Airlines, etc - and settle for US Airlines. Still over $300 for a 1-way ticket (yes I forgot to check http://JetsGo.net for prices closer to $110. - WOOPS! Thanx, Raj!)So Great! I'm all set to go! My bro drives me to NY, and after some scrutiny by Dept of homeland Security (I was "flagged" to be screened because I bought a one way ticket the "last minute" before a flight)...then I'm off.....to the terminal....then after some Delay Delay Delay, I'm off!!!!
=) .........to Pennsylvania!....and I miss the connecting flight to Ottawa Canada. WOOPS!
Call Dan, then run to get info from US Airlines as to what my options are. Rather than just wait on the line, I start calling United....I'm on hold for a while, and think that's a silly way to spend my cell phone minutes, considering I'm AT US Airlines, so I then call Continental, Air Canada, and United Airlines to see what plains they got going to Ottawa - nothing earlier than what US Airlines was now offering - arrivals near 11pm Seminar is supposed to end @ Midnight or earlier. CRAP! Call Duncan, Duncan, and
...Should I go on? Should I Head back home? I'm gonna miss 1 of 2 days! (well 1 of 6: 2 more days to come in July, and 2 in August)Now I'm upset - not about the delays, not about the waiting, not about the $$$, not about being tired, not about nuthin....except that I missing out on the
seminar, the people in it, and the others in the seminar are missing out on me!!grr!
woof!
I missed some significant stuff!! They had me try to catch up with the class, but it's not nearly the same. grr!
so...
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Thursday, June 24th 10:43am
I miss typing my BLog entries while on the toilet! YAY! Great to be back!
wow- 10:44am - maybe I should go to sleep soon!
Just spent a while @ the computer - went there to do 2 things - did one. 50% - not bad!
Wound up reading through my emails a bit, and skimming through my "Friends" entries on Tabulas.
I miss ya's!
So good to read ya's again! Not all of ya post, entries much anymore - What are ya trying to pull? Trying to make me forget you? Well...it aint gonna work! Perhaps for a time, but not forever!
My last entry...well I still didn't finish it yet - but I enjoy typing it - I like to share my stories...but at the same time I feel like it's a task - something I gotta get over with so I can resume talking from my
.hmm.
This week has been interesting. Starting to feel again.
Seems like I took a few weeks off from feeling. And I don't even have a job! (or an internship - woops!)
I mean I feel a little here and there - I mean REALLY FEEL.
ya know - the big ones - LOVE and PAIN.
2 easy
Mom: “Andrew! What are you doing?”
Seed: “Journaling!”
Mom: “You're journaling you're life away!"
heh heh
that was followed up by a phone being handed to me.
Sgt. Vandyke was following up with me from when I sent away for a free CD-ROM from the US Army....in 1999 or so. (I used that CD case my first year DJ’ing @ WFDQ)
He’s pretty skilled at creating conversation - ya know - to lower my defenses....talking about my life and occupation and education to get a sense of which job positions he should mention. Explaining how the army is comprised from allllll kindsa jobs. He thought I may be interested in being a chaplain or chaplain assistant. nice try.
Well he was curious if I knew anyone, perhaps in the area who would be interested in the Army. He asked that I pass on his Name & Number.....so here it is! Sgt. Vandyke 877-244-7060
All you U.S.A. lovers feelin that call to duty - now you know who to call!
...Great - now mom just opened the door to get the phone back.
Can’t a man journal on the toilet in peace? where was I? ahh yes - everyone’s 2 favourite topix: Feeling Love & Pain!
I found out pretty early that I could grow accustomed to physical pain enough so it doesn’t hurt anymore. I later learned how I suppressed emotional pain.
never imagined I could grow immune to feeling love! I think that’s sorta what happened!?
ouch!
I began to love so much....then all of a sudden...I didn’t feel it anymore...again.
I never really felt love much. I knew it... I had faith in it. I had a beliefknowledgefaith that I was always loved. I believed I loved....I must have!
but feel it? Why bother?
get a mushy and touchy and choked up, and emotional ....who needs that stuff? I’m loved, and I love - that’s more than enough for me!
well that’s what I thought.
man - what was I missin!
good grief!
then in 1996 I felt it - I felt it hard! NICE!
I mean I felt it here and there for friends...but this time - WOW! Good stuff....made me....VOUNERABLE! And before I knew it - WHAM! My 1st
!heh heh - I look back at it now with a fondness. I’m glad I can say that. Those were good times. I miss you. I miss....feeling.
blah blah blah
June 2003...I begin to feel again. can you believe that? about 9 years out of the game?
good grief! Again folks, I’m talking about REALLY feelin ‘em! I had a taste in 1998 - that was ok.
Can you imagine WONDERING if you love someone? Gee I guess I do.
Good freakin’ grief!
grr!!!
hmm- gee - that sucks - that would hurt most people!
HELLO ANDREW!!! WHAT’S WRONG BRO! WHY don’t U FEEL??
2003.
What an AMAZING YEAR for me. IN SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY WAYS! Don’t wanna list em here now. Guess they can be summarized by “PRAISE GOD!!!!”
Man, I love that dude!
Always thought I did....began to question it! Imagine that! Questioning if I Loved my Lover! If I loved MR. LOVE!
. ..... .......... ............... .................... ......................... .............................. Where did I go wrong? I never needed this before! I need a woman to help me feel! Currently Listening to: +LivE+ - Ghost
Currently Reading: Psion Netbook Pro
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: cold foot
Whadduya feelin?
July 5, 2004 , 11:05 PM stickied
PumpkinSeed
| adopt your own virtual pet! |
Currently Listening to: The Who - Substitute
Currently Reading: Juno Address book
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: Impatient & Proud
21 insights Xpresed
July 6, 2004 , 01:01 AM
PumpkinSeed
at 12:20AM I was set out to start working on my new bedroom - gotta clear it out & start painting with some tunes going.
so what do I do? One tabulas entry by one friend catches my eye...and I read..and click, and then click and read, and type, and click, and save, and type, and smile, and type, and stop....hesitate.....and type....and feel embarrased, but I submit anyway, and click, and read, and type, and click and...
it's 3:57am.
heh heh
I love U guyz & galz.
~Seed
Currently Listening to: Elenore Rigby
Currently Reading: http://www.tabulas.com/~PumpkinSeed/friends.html
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: disciplined & loving
2 insights Xpresed
July 10, 2004 , 12:17 AM favorite
PumpkinSeed
Currently Listening to:
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling:
2 insights Xpresed
July 12, 2004 , 02:41 AM favorite
PumpkinSeed
17% Battery Life....10 hours till I get to the charger.
I...I don't want to look at you.
I don't want to even ...EVER hear your voice....
I dont want to know your political views
I dont want to know your physical/mental/emotional "imperfections"
...though, I would actually like to know your spiritual imperfections!
I dont want to know your your nationality
your ethnicity
your parents & siblings
your age
your marital status
if you have a boyfriend
if your a virgin
I dont want to know....what you think about me,
I dont want to know how busy you are
what your job is....unless it's your passion....or your pain.
I dont want to know your "history". I don't want to know your decisions...your mistakes...your lucky moments...and I sure don't want to know of anything "good" that you did!!
dont want to know your "bad" either - hell no! (you dont want to know mine either....right???)
I dont want to know that your hobbies...your financial status, your style of clothing, your favourite music, or book....yet.
I want to know my love is real.
I'm afraid to judge you.
I want to know you.
YOU! YES YOU! Y. O. U., YOU!
because when I know YOU....there's no way on earth that I could possibly judge you....and not accept you.
When I know YOU, I can't help but to love you.
I already do.
I'm afraid of anything getting in the way of that love.
the stuff
the distractions
the things so easy to like and dislike....the things I may falsly associate to mean or reflect YOU.
I sure dont want to be physically attracted to you............yet.
That's right - I dont even want to like you!!!!!!!!
If I like you...I might just idealize you...dream about you, and wish for you, and make you into this perfect.....imagination.....a fake...love.
I'd miss out on
you.
loving you.
11% 4:44am....
you're worth it. even if my battery never charged again!
YES YOU!
10%
9%
I'm afraid...
to go back.
to where I saw you as __ or __.
when I thought you ____.
when I heard you, but never listened.
when I labeled you as______.....one of THEM.
when I ignored you.
when I lusted after you.
when I thought you were one of the clones....a drone.
when I thought you didn't feel.
when I thought you didn't matter.
when I thought you were better than me
when I thought I was better than you.
when I envied you.
when I pittied you.
when I dismissed you.
when I obsessed over you.
when I couldn't get enough of what I thought was you.
when I disrespected you.
when I hated you.
when I labeled you as THE ONE....
afraid to go back to before I knew you.
7%
6%
I'm sorry I didn't trust you.
I'm more sorry I still don't...
-----
5% 5:24am
I'm sorry I was able to read your entry without letting mysself feel it. I want to.
to visit
to understand
I want to understand you, and what you felt....so that I can genuinely say "I undestand you", and you can take comfort in that reassurance that wow - someone understands me!
4%
there's more....
I love you.
I better sign online and post this before there's no juice left.
I accept you.
i'm at my granny's house now. got sorta stranded here. but it's all good.
too good.
I respect you.
I might even get a few hours sleep.
I miss you.
3%
signing on now. feeling surprisngly awake.
I feel you.
Copying...pasting....
I see you.
2%
adding final touches
I thank you.
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam's "In Hiding"
Currently Reading: http://tabulas.com/~Autumn_Star/340388.html
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: like a 59
4 insights Xpresed
July 14, 2004 , 12:15 AM
PumpkinSeed
just if I didn't....
then it would be easier.
but I NEED to know.
not knowing...is like staying in my shell.
I NEED to know...and still love you in spite of it all....
I need
to grow up.
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam's "Let Me Sleep (It's Christmas Time)"
Currently Reading: me.
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: like an open book....
Whadduya feelin?
July 19, 2004 , 09:04 PM
PumpkinSeed
heh heh
the simple joys of life
Currently Listening to: Live's "I Wanna Dance With You"
Currently Reading: P.P.L.S.I.'s "Getting Started Right"
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: late
Whadduya feelin?
July 21, 2004 , 02:15 AM
PumpkinSeed
My life is rated G.
What is your life rated?
Currently Listening to: "Unforgiven"..think that's the 1I was keying
Currently Reading: tabbys
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: distracted
Whadduya feelin?
July 26, 2004 , 04:28 PM
PumpkinSeed
3:33am
wow
for once I'm lying in my bed....I mean my sleeping bag, before the sun is out!
yay! I don't have to have the blanket...I mean bag, over my face!
though this screen is kinda too bright........that's better! 8-)
what a day
did a whole buncha emails
watched part of the movie "BaberShop" that I downloaded by accident.....started downloading the rest of it, so I can watch the whole thing, now that I'm in suspense. Good film!
watched like 7 Tori Amos Music videos i downloaded months ago.
went to sleep round 9am
woke up round 5pm
ate
helped my stranded uncle with his car problems for a few hours. some good times......
read email
ate
read more email
meithered with a gal from Mexico on MSN Messenger
edited & re-submitted my previous Tabulas entry like 10 times
did some other stuff in between all that
blah blah blah
and now I'm here
YAY INDEPENDANCE!
BOO BUSH ADMIN!!!
yes - when I spell out the word, "Independance", I think of 3 things. I'm an Independant Associate of Pre-Paid Legal services, my love and appreciation of our Constitution, and my disgust to politicians....especially those against upholding the US Constitution.
so YAY! HAPPY DAY!
CRAP! It's also my Best friend's Birthday! I didn't make any plans!!! CRAP! I still got 20 hours!
ever notice how my Blog sounds very isolated? Almost no talk of other people.
I mean interactions with other people.
I dono if I'm wording this right....like oh - me and so and so talked about ___ and we.........
....hmm - maybe.....
hmm
i dono. I just get this lonely sence when I read my own entries.
usually.
.........
there was an entry I typed a little while back....it was typed on my Psion 5mx....while I was in Rebecca's house...on her couch...
but when I went to retrieve the entry....it was never recorded!
And that upset me. a bit.
THE LOST ENTRY! Think it upset me more than when I typed and typed and typed and typed and typed and typed and typed and typed and typed and typed and typed and typed and typed and typed and typed notes in one of my Child Development Psyc class, and that was never recorded.
but I know what I typed about.
well some of it.
I think it was the day before I talked with Nyssa online, and she was telling me to watch "The Nightmare Before Christmas"....which I said I would....but I still haven't. BAD SEED!!!!
..........
THE LOST ENTRY...
FEEL THE SUSPENSE!!!
it was a nice one too!
............no remorse
no regrets
crap - I need to sleep
so much I wanna type
Call me.
nite!
~LuvSeed (4:10am)
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam's "W.M.A."
Currently Reading: The Lost Entry
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: back
4 insights Xpresed
July 26, 2004 , 04:31 PM
PumpkinSeed
6:57am
I'm begining to feel like I get it.
this thing about $ and business, and stuff.
an understanding of where I am, and what I need, and want.
quantitatively.
just begining. I never saw it before. Guess I never had to.
kept myself innocent? ignorant....unaccountable. not responsible........irrisponsible???
almost done living the altered universe where money didn't matter yesterday, and it sure don't matter tonight. It's when I found out that I'm better off making sure my soul's alright.
But yes, that's covered. Been covered.
now.
it's time to "wake up" and get my "house in order".
23 years old.
$25,000 in debt!
yet feeling no worries. just occasional pressure.
faith that it will all work out in a few years.
living the good life - donating millions of $$$ to all kindsa great causes.
yeah.
guess it's time to live the dream.
grow up - take responsibility - make it happen.
quit being a burden to those I love.....who love me.
I WILL help thousands of people.
Currently Listening to: Prince's "Money Don't Matter"
Currently Reading: well it aint my check-book!
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: responsible
2 insights Xpresed
July 26, 2004 , 04:34 PM
PumpkinSeed
8:28pm
Headin home again from NYC bus terminal.
I don't know how much $ I gave to people during this adveenture.
Maybe I should count the people instead.
Interesting thing is, going from NJ to NY to Torronto to Ottawa, and back, the only people stranded without money to get home are in NY and NJ. Isn't that odd?
Let's see...
Newark Penn Station
1. gave a Young woman a few bucks to get back home - second time her boyfriend dumped her stranded in Newark with no money to get home. she handed out a few business flyers for me too - that was nice of her.
2. Gave some food to another woman, in a similar situation supposedly - Apple Sauce Cup, then a Almond Butter & Blueberry fruit spread on Marble Rye. Eventually gave her a dollar to contribute to her going-home-fund.
3. another woman came by asking for her Get-outta-Newark-Free card....well 60 cents to be specific, but the 2nd woman told her I didn't have 60 cents. (earlier I showed her I only had 22 cents) so what the heck- I passed the 22 on.
#2 again ....looked like she hooked up with some dude after a while - saw them heading off.
This taxi driver dude began talkin to me, letting me know if any NJ citizen had to get home, all they had to do was let the driver of the NJ Transit bus know, then they make some arrangement with some kinda I.O.U. documentation to get the person home, and pay lata.
Good grief - Just saw a billboard for "Trumped" - a radio show with Donald Trump. I'm sure it'll be better than most other bad talk radio. Oh well. Wonder how long that'll last.
4. Met a clean-cut dude trying to get home after doing some job interviews in NYC or sumthin. Yeah - he was short a few bucks too. I spotted him as well. He's a little interested in looking into working PPL - he already has the membership.
Now in NYC, comin home:
5. See this tall young cat addressing the people waiting at my bus terminal, sayin how he dont like to do this, but he needs $10 to buy his ticket home. No one seemed to hear him. I barely heard him. I was behind him, so I ask him some questions. I liked the bumper sticker on his bookbag "VOTE OR DIE 2004" - said he found it. Dude gotta get upstate NY, and lost his wallet. Said he works, and showed me his scar from gettin hit by a car earlier. Been stuck in NYC for 2 days. He looked and sounded exhausted. Some dude just spotted him $22 of the $32 needed. Poor kid, I spotted him the $10, and let him know about PPL - might be able to help him in case he gets his Identity Stollen.
6. this other dude is needin $2 to get his ticket home. "you'll never see me again" he keeps repeating - refering to the people who make a career of getting $2 to get home. I mention I never saw him before. heh heh. Said I didn't have singles - so he gave me $2 change for a $5. Woops!
sigh
Let's see how much money I get to keep coming outta Newark, heading home! Almost @ Penn Station.
sigh
heh heh - I think I spent like $14 on myself this trip...only on food.
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2004-07-25, Monday
7:04pm
well I made it through Newark with all my $. I came across like 3 people wanting some - 2 that I met last Thursday. I replied "What? You're still here??" to change the subject.
dang.
I actually feel bad for not givin sumthin to them.
One of them was #3, but this time she said the $ was for food. I told her normally I'd give her some food, but I ran out. She then complained, and I said how I gave her $ last time....yeah a whopping 22 cents! - how dare I even mention it? The other one, was a polite guy that I met before. His approach is more like "I know people have been asking you for $, but can you spare some for me?" I bet he gets less money than his peers due to his approach. Both times I dind't give him any.
I tried to soften the blow by offering him my Canadian change...which I know is useless to him. More of a smack in the face to him from me. I know better.On Thursday, I held a conversation with #2. I was talking how ironic it is that I'm just as broke as they are, but I'm able to share. I'm $25,000 ("American") IN DEBT, yet with cash in my wallet, that I can share with others. It doesn't make sence to me.
I'm lucky? I'm blessed.
Currently Listening to: Michael W. Smith's Rocket Town
Currently Reading: My Pathways Leadership Notebook
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: Caught up
5 insights Xpresed
July 29, 2004 , 09:48 AM
PumpkinSeed
them Dirt Devil 08230 Ultra Hand Vacuum motors are loud!
my ears are ringing from vacuming my new bedroom.
well - time to shake out the bag again!
Currently Listening to: Purple Haze
Currently Reading: heh heh
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: love
3 insights Xpresed
July 30, 2004 , 04:38 PM
PumpkinSeed
7:26am
hmm
Subconsciously....
I used to think I had to wait till I found the "perfect" person before I could express love.
When I find the person who unconditionally loved, accepted and respect me...only then could I live out who I really am....who I've been all along.
...without fearing loosing them.
When I know how to work my business perfectly, then I get started seriously.
When I have money saved, then I'll invest.
When I know they like me too, then I'll give them a hug.
When no one is looking, then I'll draw my masterpiece.
When no one is listening, I'll become a great singer, pianist, and drummer....then I'll show them what I can do!
When you say it's gonna happen "now"
Well, when exactly do you mean?
See I've already waited too long
When I'm in a roll of leadership, then I'll be a prayer warrior.
When I'm dating, then I'll learn to Dance with a partner.
When I feel accepted, and respected, then I'll be expressive and genuine.
When I cook for myself, then I'll eat healthy.
When I have committed people on my team, then I'll be a good example for them to follow.
When I know she likes me too, then I'll ask her out........THEN I'll tell her I like her!
time's up.
Currently Listening to: The Smiths - How Soon Is Now
Currently Reading: ha!
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: out of time
Whadduya feelin?
July 30, 2004 , 04:39 PM
PumpkinSeed
11:20pm
hmm...
sittin outside the S.U.B. @ FDU.
just spent some time listening to some mp3's:
Pearl Jam - Man Of The Hour.mp3
Joel Hanson & Sara Groves - Traveling Light.mp3
John Denver (1984) - Greatest hits -#3 - 09 - I want to live.mp3
Billy Joel - Honesty.mp3
each song in my PDA means something to me...well all but the 2 i'm not familiar with, and would like to be, so that's why I'm traveling with them.
I ONLY have 37 songs in here. Most have been in here soon after I first got my PDA...even had some on the storage card a month before I had the PDA to plug it into!
...I gotta stop calling my Netbook Pro a "PDA" - how rude of me!
heh heh - my friend, Brenda calls it "Andrew's second brain". She was shocked to see today that my brain "evolved" (from the Psion 5mx I used to carry around)
before that I did some phone calls - called 9 people...got 7 voicemails, 1 conversation of 48 minutes, and 1 "I'll call you right back". Woulda made more calls if my calling plan to Canada didn't suck.
I had been journaling some in my Intuition Journal before making those calls, and wrote:
get to share with others more
....again.
I find it good to journal to me...almost necesary....but even better to talk with friends. Get outta my head, and be out there with those whom I love, and those who love me.
That Billy Joel song really hit me...
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one that I depend upon
I mean how cool is that be to have people be sinsere with me...bold...honest with me.
I'm fortunate to have some friends who are. My best friend, Hardy comes to mind. I'm so fortunate to have him as a friend - the more I get to know him, the more I appreciate him, and feel blessed. Dude isn't afriad to get in my face, and call me out on my crap, and challenge me to be a mightier Seed. I've told him once before...he's not just my friend...he's my mentor too!
What's the saying??? Something like friends are there for you, but a mentor challenges you?
I dono - but U get the idea.
The way I see it, it's love lived out. Yeah, I can love you, and watch you suffer, and sympathize, and "be there for you"...or I can love you, and call you out, challenge you, and encourage you to make changes to get outta your suffering!
blech - these bugs are freakin me out
I use the word "suffering". There are plenty of other words that could be exchanged for in the above paragraph.
I guess - they could be summarized in the phrase "not getting what you REALLY want out of life"
I want to be that kind of person.... the kind of person who won't settle for 2nd best from their loved ones....the kind of person who some people don't like because they don't like the truth...are afraid of change...or the sacrifices they might need to make to be truely happy.
YAWN feelin sleepy - dozed off there for a second. It's only 12:13am!
GOOD MORNING!!earlier I was listening to:
Sara Groves - Conversations - 04 - Hello Lord.mp3
Live - Secret Samadhi - 05 - Ghost.mp3
I love singing "Ghost" - what a cool song!
Everybody has a Ghost who sings like you do......I need a need a woman to help me feel!
"Hello Lord" is a song I've sang a lot too...in fact it was one of 2 songs stuck in my mind, that I kept singing while @ Pathways Advanced Seminar in March, 2003.
and I was wondering if you could speak up.
I know that you tore the veil so I could sit with you in person
and hear what you're saying
but Right now....I think you're wispering.
Sara Groves is amazing.
The 2nd song stuck in my head During PW Advanced was "How Soon is Now" by The Smiths.
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does
this morning I listened to:
Sara Groves - Conversations - 07 - How Is It Between Us.mp3
Sara Groves - Conversations - 09 - Cave of Adullum.mp3
those songs brought me some encouragement to take on more of my responsibilities.
and last night listened to:
WFDQ-2004-04-23-DJ Dov & DJ Pumpkin Seed - One (U2 Cover).mp3
When I listened to this....I realized I haven't been singing as much as I would like to. I listened to it a second time, and thought - "hey - not bad."
usually when I've heard it, or thought about it, I tend to be critical of me for my mistakes. I think that was the first time I really enjoyed listening to it. NOT BAD AT ALL.
Me sleepy - feel like sleeping on this bench. Wonder if the Public Safety officers would send me away.....again. heh heh
need pillow - this bench is hard.
well....hmm - I want you to call me out - call me out on my crap -
Let me know where I'm not being my best.
Let me know when I'm not making sence, or being confusing.
Let me know when I'm goofing off or avoiding my responsibilities in any other way.
Let me know what you think of me.
Let me know when you're freaked out by something I did or said.
Let me know if you think I'm doing something unhealthy.
Let me know if you see me hiding....looking for my shell to cover me up again.
Let me know when you're dissapointed in me, or know I'm not giving all I can.
Let me know if you think I'm not being genuine.
Let me know when I'm not being loving, respecting, or accepting of people...or myself.
Let me know when I'm not being humble.
Ask me what I'm feeling.
Let me know what you feel about me....
Let me know what you feel for me.
Let me know that you love me too, and want me to succede as well.
I challenge you to challenge me.
~Seed
Diana Ross - I'm Coming Out.mp3 Currently Listening to: hmm - nope - no songs today!
Currently Reading: ho-hum
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling:
Whadduya feelin?
