September 22, 2004 , 12:32 PM

PumpkinSeed

but yesterday I did most of it alone!

that's it! That's it! That's why I aint happeh....right?

it doesn't really matter what I do if it's all this solitude crap.

I woke alone
got out alone
walked alone
sang alone
jogged alone
ran alone
sang alone
ate alone
admired alone
smiled alone.

prayed alone
lived alone
loved alone.

decided, downloaded, and deleted alone.

thought, and longed, and freakin DANCED...alone.

showered alone....well that's ok.

I think U get the point.

driving home (alone) from the PPL meeting, I was pulling over to find a WIFI signal to post the last 2 entries, when it hit me...I'm just STARTING to grasp this....I want a friend in my passenger seat!! I'm FREAKIN LONELY!!


"But I have friends!"


I sure do! I got some of the bestest friends I could hope for...but there's something missing...

at first I thought it was cuz I need a buddy that sticks close....but even that wouldn't fully do it.

When do I feel the best, but after hearing a friend pour out their heart on me...and I on them. knowing we listened to each other!


"But our happiness needs to come from within...not from friends!"


true...

I know inside, I'm a really happeh guy, with life and joy bursting...especially thanx to God, and the peace and joy He gives me in my core.......but no one to share it with!

so is that it?

It's NOT just because I'm physically alone...

I have so many people who like me, and enjoy me...


"I'm not alone, and never have been. So many people care for me. What about my family? - I'm with them daily!"


It's partly becaues I'm not sharing....me.

It's partly because others aren't sharing with me.


I wanna blame some friends. I do phone calls, but many of them don't make the time to talk, or call me back, or hang out.


"But what about when we do talk for hours??"


I guess for some reason, It's just not enough?

I guess it'd be different if it were done in preson rather than on the phone or email?


I've decided to be happeh....this is just my exploration trying to think of the steps it takes.


"Conclusion?"


I feel the happehest just BEING WITH friends....when we're talkin openly....being ourselves....our true selves.

But most of my life, I saw myself as a "loner" the kid in his own lil world. I always kept my eyes open to encounter my soulmate....that other loner I'd bunk into someday wondering along some grassy knoll. The one I'd connect with and share everythign with. The one that would have the same odd scheduel, and just want to hang out forever....mozying here and there, and doing some crazy stuff time to time.




.......I miss you, Rachel






:')





I could really use someone close.

I think we should hang out more. Share from our hearts, and listen. Know we know each other.



"It is not good for man to be alone"
~God
Currently Listening to: Nirvana - Come As You Are
Currently Reading: Mark 13
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: beyond the numbness. :/
4 insights Xpresed

PumpkinSeed
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Coming out of the Dark!
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