Entries for December, 2004
November 30, 2004 , 06:39 PM
PumpkinSeed
So I need to get some music blasting
and I pull out...the sacred disc.
Pearl Jam's Merkinball
the 2 track disc, I dare only play only so often cuz my favourite song is on it, and I can't bear to hear it too often.
but this time was different.
I played my song, "I Got Id"....
and I was feeling it....
...and it was going against everythig in me.
and I realized how lucky I am.
for the lyrics I used to empathize with....seemed so foreign to me now.
I don't lie alone anymore - I know now I'm never alone.
my memories....they're not so painful.
My life doesn't have an advantage on me....I'm the one with the advantage - I'm in controll now! (tho not often a good steward of it)
My shell wasn't easy to crack, and it was never empty...but now it's been removed.
If just once, I could feel loved
Oh, stare back at me, yeah...
dang.
freakin dang.
it's been way more than once....I do feel loved now.
and I've been stared back at.
dang.
so many years not believing that could ever happen to me.
=')
dang.
but there are 2 parts that still ring true for me...
my poop still don't show....not in my everyday world....but I let it hang out a bit with some friends now, and also on tabby.
=) Thanx guyz, for hearing/reading me out. Priceless.
and lastly...
"I paid the price, never held you in real life..."
that still may be true for me.....but I know it's only for a time.
I will hold you some day.
I love you.
=========================================
My lips are shakin', my nails are bit off
Been a month since I've heard myself talk
All the advantage this life's got on me
Picture a cup in the middle of the sea
And I fight back in my mind...
Never let's me be right, oh...
I got memories, I got *poop*
So much it don't show...
I walked the line
When you held me in that night
I walked the line
When you held my hand that night...
An empty shell seems so easy to crack
Got all these questions, don't know who I could even ask
So I'll just lie alone and wait for the dream
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
And I'll stay in a bed
Oh, goodbye, I've seen him
If just once, I could feel loved
Oh, stare back at me, yeah...
But I walked the line
When you held me in that night
Oh, I walked the line
When you held my hand that night
Oh, I walked the line
Whne you held me close at night
I paid the price, never held you in real life...
My life's so shaken
=========================================
"My life's so shaken"???
no - my life's so on track now, it's rediculous.
Praise God!
yeah.
He rocks.
~luvseed
Currently Listening to: Van Halen - Not Enough
Currently Reading: scarletf's tabby
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: better
Whadduya feelin?
December 1, 2004 , 01:43 AM
PumpkinSeed
when the tears flow
when no one sees, feels, or understands
never forget
you have a friend
who still longs to be that face to run to
that shoulder to cry on.
that ear to listen
those eyes to comfort.
=======
I feel I haven't been there
I haven't acknowledged all you have shared.
Konw I still see.
I long to be your friend at all times
"...endureth all things..."
not just the rough moments...
and no way on earth, just in the enjoyable moments
I want to be there for both.
----
and when it seems I'm not there....
...I just may be there....quietly...
quietly Waiting. Praying. Missing. Living.
perhaps thinking it's best for you that I stay quiet.
perhaps afraid to speak... not knowing the perfect thing to say
unable to hug the way i wanna.
and sometimes...yeah - I'm still a guy.
sometimes I won't get it - I wont be there
I may even say something hurtful - I'm still a guy.
tell it to me straight. I'm cluelss too.
when it looks like I don't want to know - when I dont wanna hear it - when It looks like I dont care anymore
let me know that's what you see in me.....can you do that?
let me know in plain words to REMIND me where yer at.
remind me ....how I FORGOT that I wanna be there with you.
yeah - I'll forget. I wanna lie, and say "I'll always be by yer side"
can U remind me?
---
and when I'm gone
when I'm stubborn
when I'm blind
remember always
I'm just a man.
Sometimes I've done my best
sometimes... I'll be a real screw up.
I'm one of those freakin men.
---
so when I'm lost
and my walls are up
or I can't be found
can you still love me the same?
---
and can you do me a favour?
can you go to your Father
and pray for me
that I may be humble....and feeling again?
that I may be loving, and respecting again.
I'd appreciate it.
and you know what.
stay there with Him for a while.
He'll give you what I can't.
He wants to all the time.... not just when I'm M.I.A.
and when yer there....
teach me a thing or two that ya learned with Him.
I'm sure I could use it.
I want to be perfect for you.
dang.
I want to be
yer perfect friend.
I love you.
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Of The Girl
Currently Reading: dan's resume
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: incomplete
1 insights Xpresed
December 1, 2004 , 11:44 PM
PumpkinSeed
but I know he's better than what we got
I know he's better than what the democrats could scrounge up (too bad no one supported Rev. Al)
Ed
Vedder and Gary 
Null both refuse to run for office.he's got more respect than any indipendant....and for the most part, he's somewhat respected by non-americans
and he actually understands the concept of diplomacy.
he seems to actually listen to some people
and have some sence of judgement/wisdom.
He was smart enough to resign from the Bush Admnistration - I guess it was going too much against his concioence/integrity/reputation.
I got 2,030 google search results for "Powell for President", so I'm not the first to think of it.
I know he screwed up big time with the Iraq WMD report, but i can't think of any other blunders.
Got any better Ideas?
I love this photo:
perhaps he just needs to change his first name....
Colin Powell for President????
Currently Listening to: Pumpkin Seed - Not Enough (Van Halen cover)
Currently Reading: Charmander Template Edit
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: patriotic & curious
Whadduya feelin?
December 3, 2004 , 02:51 AM
PumpkinSeed
no biggie, right?
so I thought I'd find where i left off...where was it???
turns out to be November 17th
wow - ok more than a few days...time flys when yer being obsessive over something or someone else besides READING tabulas....
so let's see.. - I had to click "EARLIER" like 23 times to get to "Jump193.html"
dang, you people write a lot!
=)
and I love reading ya's so much. Perhaps I sholud move to the philipines so I can get a call center job so I can get paid to read tabulas! hmm....
I miss you'z.
~luvseed
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Long Road
Currently Reading: Jump193.html
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: bed time!
7 insights Xpresed
December 4, 2004 , 12:33 PM
PumpkinSeed
I lie in bed...
...the few tears begining to dry...
...my mind racing (as usual)
...listening to Erasure....”wear no disguise for me, Come into the open”....”Always, I wanna be with you, and make belive with you and live in harmony harmony, Oh giliw!"...."Hold on to the night, There will be no shame"
and I blurt out,
“Oh God!
”...and I IMAGINE a soft reply.......
“Peace be with you...”
...........oh yeah - that’s what He wants for me........
“Just hand her over
live for me
trust me
and I’ll take care of you
I’ll take care of your giliw
I heard yer voice
I’ve heard your cries
trust me
I love you too.
I have been there
I feel what you feel every moment
for all my children I love more than you can imagine....how they turn from me.
you know how much you want her...
that’s just a fraction of how much I want you.
but I can give you the desires of your heart....
...as you trust me.
you are mine, child. And I just wait for you to let me take care of you....
...even carry you.
I’ve died for you, what else can I do to prove to you I’ll do anything for you.
ask me....but trust me.
I love you. I’ve been waiting so long for you to accept my love.
I will wait for you to trust me.
I am proud of you, son.
---
now go on. Get up. Do what I have asked of you. I’ll take care of the rest.
trust me.
hugz??
Andrew.... I love you, and I miss you.
Currently Listening to: Erasure Always; Mark Schultz - I Have Been There
Currently Reading: Intuition.pwd
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: time to sieze the noon!!!
Whadduya feelin?
December 5, 2004 , 12:14 AM
PumpkinSeed
all I really got outta it
wuz that ya know what - our past is just that.
it does't make a difference in determining yer future when yer SET on dictating it.
Good film too.
eh.
=)
guess I'll go to bed before 3am - gotta get up round 7.
Alwayz a pleasure,
nite nite
:*
Currently Listening to: Hoi Polloi - So Far Away
Currently Reading: My 8th Grade Reading Journal on Dracula ^w^
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: almost peaceful
1 insights Xpresed
December 14, 2004 , 11:56 PM
PumpkinSeed
You Are a Dreaming Soul |
 Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul |
===========
hmm - I got this next result when I left #6 blank
when I tried different answers for #6, I got different results.
I don't even know what the answer to #6 is!
You Are From the Moon |
 You can vibe with the steady rhythms of the Moon. You're in touch with your emotions and intuition. You possess a great, unmatched imagination - and an infinite memory. Ultra-sensitive, you feel at home anywhere (or with anyone). A total healer, you light the way in the dark for many. |
===========
ok - I just did a google search to find out the answer to #6, so here is my new result:
You Are From Mercury |
 You are talkative, clever, and knowledgeable - and it shows. You probably never leave home without your cell phone! You're witty, expressive, and aware of everything going on around you. You love learning, playing, and taking in all of what life has to offer. Be careful not to talk your friends' ears off, and temper your need to know everything. |
===========
You Are the Individualist |
4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. |
Others know how I feel?
hmmmmm....
some do.... well - now you do thanx to tabby!
===========
Your Dominant Intelligence is Musical Intelligence |
 Every part of your life has a beat, and you're often tapping your fingers or toes. You enjoy sounds of all types, but you also find sound can distract you at the wrong time. You are probably a gifted musician of some sort - even if you haven't realized it. Also a music lover, you tend to appreciate artists of all kinds. You would make a great musician, disc jockey, singer, or composer. |
===========
ok -
hmm - I don't feel like soaking up my pillow anymore....
guess I distracted myself for the moment.
sigh
nite nite
I love you all.
and that aint some BS bla bla bla.
sigh
~Seed
Currently Listening to: MxPx - Andrea
Currently Reading: theo's term paper on her tabby
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: distracted...I'll be back
2 insights Xpresed
December 19, 2004 , 10:30 PM
PumpkinSeed
I see a life.
I see a life held back from being
a life screwed over time and again
a life that once trusted....blieved...dreamed.
I see a life.
I see a life that once trusted in people...
a life as foolish as my own these days.
I see a life.
I see a life that brimmed with experiences beyond my imagination,
- beyond my comprehension - beyond...me.
a life that is worn.
a life that is dissapointed.
I see a life.
I see a life that was lived
- a life of giving...giving more than you could have possibly known at the time.
a life that gave of itself
a life that gave up it's life....piece by piece.
I see a life...fighting...to live.
I see a life.
I see a life wondering...what else is there?
a life that belives there is nothing more...
nothing more worth fighting for
a life that has given up time and again......but...
I see a life.
I see a life that in spite of everything...still has a spark of hope.
a life that chooses to live...but not for itself,
for of itself there is nothing left.
a life full of pure love...for others
knowing the life of others can be better.
a selfless life making a positive difference...refusing to bring others down.
I see a life.
I see a life a life who can fool the best of them....who can fool even me.
I love this life....this soul.
But I am no love fool.
I see a life.
I see a life who DOES love themself....but
the self love waivers
and when a life can't believe it's loveable
all other love is impenetrable.
I know this well.
I love you.
I....no one can take away your sadness.
but I am your friend.
and true friends stick together no matter____.
I love you.
I wish I could have loved your missing pieces.
but that may be too late.
but I see a life.
a life I adore....a life I will cherish even if only there were one piece remaining.
a life that I mourn for every piece I discover missing.
---
...but I've heard of a great physician.
He works wonders...
I've seen His work all my life.
I never understood Him.
I've heard stories - I've met his patients.
They all say the same thing.
He works for free...
well....He needs two things: That we trust Him, and follow what He prescribes. (is that any different from any other physician?)
I've actually had a few consultations with Him myself....but I didn't make the best of them.
For some reason, I have trouble with those 2 things.
But I did trust Him a little....and I'm amazed at the results.
I've shown him my wounds...my scars...my missing pieces....how f'd up I really am....
and I'm healing now. I'm growing too....even growing back my mising pieces.
He makes all things anew...
that's His specialty - I know it well.
---
Perhaps yer right - yer not in disguise...I'm just waiting for you to grow yer missing pieces back.
We both can be made whole again.
I love you.
Currently Listening to: Led Zeppelin - Houses of the Holy - D'yer Mak'er
Currently Reading: Revelation 21:5
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: like a true friend...hurt
Whadduya feelin?
December 21, 2004 , 02:29 AM
PumpkinSeed
so I steal all 3 and put em here!
This 1st one I found at veder_stupor's blog....
=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=
T he La st Pe w
Walking through those doors
People point and stare
Why'd I even come here?
Is this a church or Satan's lair?
On the last pew I sit alone
Thinking I'd rather be at home
I came just the way I was
And people looked down on me
If this is what God is about
I don't need Christianity
I was alone on the last pew
Lip syncing praises to You
Afraid if I opened my mouth
They'd tell me to get out
Preacher gave me the evil eye
Made me out to be a bad guy
I felt unwelcome
I was labeled a freak
After that day I knew
I wouldn't be back next week
I prayed to God,
"Help me find something better."
The only love I felt
I found in the red letters
We must not judge others
That's for God and God alone
Lots of churches judge by looks
So most people stay at home
Think about if it was you
All alone on that last pew
The Lord looks at a man's heart
Not the clothes that he's wearing
So instead of showing hatred
We need to love and start caring
It's churches like that
That draw people from Christ
They go there for help
And see hate in your eyes
They leave that day
Feeling worse than before
And that may be the last time they step through church doors
by Shane Jensen
=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=
Soo that reminded me of this cool tune:
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For Who He Really Is
by Steven Curtis Chapman
(Matthew 5:13-16)
"Too many hypocrites,
" I heard her say, "I even saw it in the headlines today;
How can I follow God when His own people turn away."
She said, "Nobody’s perfect but I just want to see
Somebody living what they say they believe;
If they’ve got all this world needs like they say,
I wonder why won’t they give some away."
Can she see God for who He really is
In what she sees in you and me.
Can she see God for who He really is,
For who He really is is all she really needs to see.
He slips into church and he puts up his guard;
They look so happy but his life’s been so hard.
He keeps his distance so they won’t see the scars;
It’s just a religion that’s all dressed up in white,
And God is love as long as you’re living right.
But does he know that Jesus also has scars,
And His love can reach Him no matter how far.
Can he see God for who He really is
In what he sees in you and me.
Can he see God for who He really is,
For who He really is is all he really needs to see.
The skeptics are watching to see who will fall,
While those disillusioned search for the Truth in it all;
Maybe today we’ll cross their paths unaware,
And they’ll stop and look at us. What will be there?
Can they see God for who He really is
In what they sees in you and me.
Can they see God for who He really is,
For who He really is
is all they really needs to see. 
=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=
so then I came across † krista's † entry, and thought I'd pass it on, being late December and all....
=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=
Why Jesus is Better than Santa Claus
Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then
enters your heart when invited.
You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is
"Hi little boy or girl, what's your name?" ...
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only
does He know our name, He knows our address too. He
knows our history and future and He even knows how
many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."
Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts,
repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.
It's obvious there is really no comparison. We
need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in CHRISTmas, Jesus is
still the reason for the season. Yes, Jesus is
better, he is even better than Santa Claus.
=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=*=~=^=
I don't feel like sorting through 130 google search results to discover the author of that.
maybe sometime I'll share about the real Kris Kringle - how he's cooler than Santa Clause.
whatever - I'm cold - I beter hurry up and post this so I can take a nap before waking up.
Usta, baby!
~luvseed
Currently Listening to: Steven Curtis Chapman - For Who He Really Is
Currently Reading: tabby friends, etc.
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: a cold nose!!!!!!
2 insights Xpresed
December 25, 2004 , 02:44 PM
PumpkinSeed
been a while since I just blogged naturally
but even this time it's quite a bit pre-meditated.
just wanted to share a few things that been happening very reciently
I guess I'll start with the one that impacted me the most a few hours ago, Christ mas eve, @ my granny's house (as always)
But this time, Jennelle was there - she brought her young child, her little "ham", Tatum. A cute lil gal
- less than 2 years old - I think older than 1. And after some time, Jennelle asked me if I would hold her.huh? hold a child? a baby?
but you see - you don't know me - you don't know how significant this is to me.
Andrew doesn't hold children - he doesn't like to be near babies - he doesn't want to have one of his own (perhaps adopt one)
I'm just starting to be able to touch other humans - hugs, and pats, and the such. I've come a long way over the past year....
but have I ever held a baby in my life? I think I did once or twice over the past 3 years. It's always been this big deal - like I'm handling a bomb or sumthin.
But this time - I really wanted to. I mean - more than just the challenge of it - more than knowing it's something I gotta get over.
For some reason - I wanted to hold this child.
weird.
=)
so I took the offer - siezed the opportunity. I let Jennelle know I didn't know what to do -so she gave me some basic tips.
I told her I've held some cats [and dogs] before. I've learned they always ea [**fell asleep typing on my bed**]
=================
gud afternoon!
15:21
So I've learned these aminals like to feel supported on their bottom (tush) and feet when carried - so I was guessing it was the same for babiez.
...apparently not!
Tatum was giddy as all hell as swung around, held single-handedly by her mummy, flung this way and that, and my draw like dropped.
I was freakin out!
How can this kid be trusting her mum that much? Being held in one arm - flung at high velocities with no support on her tush?
So my guess was it was a trust developed with her mummy.
Jennelle told me otherwise....this weird concept that her daughter would trust other people...even me!
huh???She just trusts people.
Wha??
How can that be???So is that how we start? Is that how a life starts? Trusting others? Many others?...till that one hard fall I guess?
What Joy...what freedom...what vounerability...what possibilities....for fun!....to be....loved(v.).
So I held the child...Tatum. And none of my worries came true.
I didn't drop her
she didn't puke, piss, poop, drool, or otherwise excrete
she didn't throw a tantrum fit
she didn't cry or flail in any way
she wasn't too sticky or wet
I didn't "almost" drop her
she wasn't pissed cuz I was a stranger
she wasn't begging for mommy or anything else
she just....hung there - in my arms...looking down...eyes open, and shut...peaceful....comfy...seemingly enjoying just...being held.
wow.
I can do this!
=) (+
and it felt so great - just to hold her. I felt like I was doing something important. I moved around a lil - tried a few variations on the hold, and .....no complaints from the little one. WHAT?? Is there something wrong with this kid?
I was asked by my dad and cuz to help move a heavy folding table. I didn't really say much but a few mutterances of excuses...
and I was thinking - can't they see I'm busy? can't they see I'm already holding something that can't be let go of?....then I realized Jennelle was right beside me. Oh. I guess what I'm doing aint so unique. Her mum does it all the time. - I can simply hand her off back to mummy........but no - I held on - and watched as my cuz struggled with the table. Sorry Cuz.
I've helped carry many tables in my life - this time I felt I couldn't. Maybe next time.
======
Human touch - is that what I've been lacking for so long?
======
eventually Tatum found her way back into her mother's...arm, and was flung around some more.
and I was soon given a second chance.
And I just held her as I sat on the couch. So peaceful again.
remembering back to about a half hour before, when I told Jennelle how I was begining to see Tatum, not as a baby, but as a person. Not an "it" but a "her". =)
A precious soul...needing all love and care ....that we all do.
and I held her...embraced her...wanting her to know she was cared for......
and for the first time in my life...no- the second time in my life, I willingly kissed a fellow human!.... Right on her lil big forehead. I don't think I woulda done it if I knew someone was looking....but I did it!....twice, I belive!
and eventually she looked at me
...and I saw her...and I think she might have seen me too. Through the shells.and I held her. And she smiled a lil and looked away. and I held her.
wow.
yes - a gift. each soul is a gift...entrusted to people...what do we do with these souls? How will they be scarred?
May I never be one to ever scar another soul.
Currently Listening to: +LiVe+ - 'Run Away' & 'Simple Creed'
Currently Reading: someone's journal
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: trusted
2 insights Xpresed
December 25, 2004 , 11:50 PM
PumpkinSeed
not that I did much recieving this year either. hmm.
I had something in mind to share with you, my tabby buddys....something I was working on....
but I wasn't happy with it - I tried a few times, and didn't get it right....maybe in a few days I'll get it right.
actually it was a song i was recording of me on the piano - I aint into christmas hooplah too much, but I wanted to get a nice rendition of this one tune....the best one I got was too long - so If I aint happy with it, no one hears it.
so ya got nuthin.
hmm
well - I thought I could at least give you a good laugh:............................
heh heh - now this, my friends, is why USUALLY I wear a fuzzy hat after taking a shower....before bed.
believe it or not, this is one of the better pictures taken with my cheap new digital camera - I think I gotta return it, and save up for a decient one.
Merry hooplah Christmas
~Luv Bonk!
Currently Listening to: Bonk's Adventure's theme songs
Currently Reading: blog.pwd
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: ...behind
12 insights Xpresed
December 29, 2004 , 09:55 PM
PumpkinSeed
I was thinking of xmas gifts, and I remembered that I wrote on Tabby that I didn't get much this year.
I got $150! ($50x3)
I got to carry Tatum!..hold her.
I got to reconnect with a friend
....no! 2 friends +)I got a "merry christmas" from Cai, and Chester (yer name's chester, right?)
...and from Normi, jam_tae, Theo, Kelley, Scarlet, aNn, etc.
I got the gift of hearing that my 2 cuz'z visitin g my tab
, and heard my performance of 'ONE'. 
....and they liked it! 
I got a pair of gloves I've ripped already
I got to wittness Zero's First Snowflake!!!!
I had time with family...time I almost appreciated. I'm workin on it.
I got some hugs.
got some chocolates.
got a lil sick.
got a better appreciation for my love(n.)...begining to think clearer again.
got a better appreciation for my love(v.)...accepting who and how I am...relieving the pressure...a step closer to accepting reality on all fronts. I love you...and yeah - that's good enough as it is. I don't need more. And again, I'm doing my best to give you nothing lesser....Doing my best to keep it pure again.
and once again seeing and accepting His gift....giftS. Why do I want anything else?
Currently Listening to: Madonna - Till Death Do Us Part
Currently Reading: intuition.pwd
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: gifted
Whadduya feelin?
December 29, 2004 , 11:36 PM
PumpkinSeed
I wrote part of this entry on 2'sday, sitting in a bathroom stall at my brother's job. Looks like I'll make it my 1 year Annaversary entry! Yup! one friggin year since my "Virgin Tabulas Entry"
It's kinda apprpriate as my annaversary entry....
=======================
A few days ago, I finally found Vs.! I was giving it a few listens, then this song hit me again as I thought - dang - this is how I feel about my tabulas buddiez.....
Troubled souls Unite!
We got ourselves tonight!
I am fuel
you are friends
we got the means to make ammends
I am lost! I'm no Guide....but I'm by your side.
I-AM-RIGHT-BY-YOUR-SIDE!!!
Young lover I stand
It was their idea
I proved to be a man
Take my lucky hand
It was their idea
I proved to be a man
Will myself to find a home
a home within myself
We will find a way,
WE-WILL-FIND-OUR-PLACE!!
DROP THE LEASH
WE ARE YOUNG
DROP THE LEASH
WE ARE YOUNG
GET OUTTA' MY LUCKY FACE!
DROP THE LEASH
DROP THE LEASH
get outta' my...my....
DELIGHT!!!
DELIGHT IN OUR YOUTH!!!
I cranked it up, and put it on repeat as I took a nap in the car....
great tune. I hope to be able to scream in key like that someday soon!
What a great tune! Go Ed! I feel ya, bro!
=======================
so what a year it's been.
who coulda imagined how much a freakin blog would affect my life?
who coulda imagined me impacting other people's lives through it as much as I have? I look forward to more.
Lately...as in for a buncha months, I've been spending too much time on Tabby....but so be it - It's a hellova lot better than my previous addiction, aye?
Lookin back at my my "Virgin Tabulas Entry", it looks like almost a "self-fulfilling prophesy" when I wrote stuff like,
"I'm on a journey - breaking open my shell - learning how to express myself, love myself, love others and get hurt! I'll do my best not to let this be another tool to avoid personal contact with others, but a tool for growth for me and for you! A place to exhibit my hidden abilities"
and in particular:
"Experience the removal of the shell with me!"
I don't think I had a CLUE what was in store for me. Over the past year, as I have been living out out what I wrote there, I had long forgotten what I had written! I almost wanna call it a coincidence! But it aint.
It was months after "removing the shell" that I looked back and saw that entry and thought "oh crap!"
I still struggle with my level of personal contact with others, but I'm finding that WHEN I do have that personal contact, it's a little more open & intimate....of a better quality thanx to stuff I've learned on Tabby.
I still struggle with luvin myself...but at least now I know what it is to love me - I've done it on and off over the past year. I've seen my loved one do it on and off, and realize how much it means to me...I've discovered what it means to her too for me to luv me...I now have a motivation for me to TAKE CARE every day.
I plan to exhibit more hidden abilities on and off tabby. I know I got a ton more. Stay tuned!
+)
sigh
Luv U guyz!
~Andrew Jacob Sahagian
**HUGS!!!**
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Vs. - Leash
Currently Reading: Tabulas.com
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: Phileo
Whadduya feelin?
