PumpkinSeed
been a while since I just blogged naturally
but even this time it's quite a bit pre-meditated.
just wanted to share a few things that been happening very reciently
I guess I'll start with the one that impacted me the most a few hours ago, Christ mas eve, @ my granny's house (as always)
But this time, Jennelle was there - she brought her young child, her little "ham", Tatum. A cute lil gal - less than 2 years old - I think older than 1. And after some time, Jennelle asked me if I would hold her.
huh? hold a child? a baby?
but you see - you don't know me - you don't know how significant this is to me.
Andrew doesn't hold children - he doesn't like to be near babies - he doesn't want to have one of his own (perhaps adopt one)
I'm just starting to be able to touch other humans - hugs, and pats, and the such. I've come a long way over the past year....
but have I ever held a baby in my life? I think I did once or twice over the past 3 years. It's always been this big deal - like I'm handling a bomb or sumthin.
But this time - I really wanted to. I mean - more than just the challenge of it - more than knowing it's something I gotta get over.
For some reason - I wanted to hold this child.
weird.
=)
so I took the offer - siezed the opportunity. I let Jennelle know I didn't know what to do -so she gave me some basic tips.
I told her I've held some cats [and dogs] before. I've learned they always ea [**fell asleep typing on my bed**]
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gud afternoon!
15:21
So I've learned these aminals like to feel supported on their bottom (tush) and feet when carried - so I was guessing it was the same for babiez.
...apparently not!
Tatum was giddy as all hell as swung around, held single-handedly by her mummy, flung this way and that, and my draw like dropped.
I was freakin out!
How can this kid be trusting her mum that much? Being held in one arm - flung at high velocities with no support on her tush?
So my guess was it was a trust developed with her mummy.
Jennelle told me otherwise....this weird concept that her daughter would trust other people...even me!
huh???
She just trusts people.
Wha?? How can that be???
So is that how we start? Is that how a life starts? Trusting others? Many others?...till that one hard fall I guess?
What Joy...what freedom...what vounerability...what possibilities....for fun!....to be....loved(v.).
So I held the child...Tatum. And none of my worries came true.
I didn't drop her
she didn't puke, piss, poop, drool, or otherwise excrete
she didn't throw a tantrum fit
she didn't cry or flail in any way
she wasn't too sticky or wet
I didn't "almost" drop her
she wasn't pissed cuz I was a stranger
she wasn't begging for mommy or anything else
she just....hung there - in my arms...looking down...eyes open, and shut...peaceful....comfy...seemingly enjoying just...being held.
wow.
I can do this!
=) (+
and it felt so great - just to hold her. I felt like I was doing something important. I moved around a lil - tried a few variations on the hold, and .....no complaints from the little one. WHAT?? Is there something wrong with this kid?
I was asked by my dad and cuz to help move a heavy folding table. I didn't really say much but a few mutterances of excuses...
and I was thinking - can't they see I'm busy? can't they see I'm already holding something that can't be let go of?....then I realized Jennelle was right beside me. Oh. I guess what I'm doing aint so unique. Her mum does it all the time. - I can simply hand her off back to mummy........but no - I held on - and watched as my cuz struggled with the table. Sorry Cuz.
I've helped carry many tables in my life - this time I felt I couldn't. Maybe next time.
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Human touch - is that what I've been lacking for so long?
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eventually Tatum found her way back into her mother's...arm, and was flung around some more.
and I was soon given a second chance.
And I just held her as I sat on the couch. So peaceful again.
remembering back to about a half hour before, when I told Jennelle how I was begining to see Tatum, not as a baby, but as a person. Not an "it" but a "her". =)
A precious soul...needing all love and care ....that we all do.
and I held her...embraced her...wanting her to know she was cared for......
and for the first time in my life...no- the second time in my life, I willingly kissed a fellow human!.... Right on her lil big forehead. I don't think I woulda done it if I knew someone was looking....but I did it!....twice, I belive!
and eventually she looked at me...and I saw her...and I think she might have seen me too. Through the shells.
and I held her. And she smiled a lil and looked away. and I held her.
wow.
yes - a gift. each soul is a gift...entrusted to people...what do we do with these souls? How will they be scarred?
May I never be one to ever scar another soul.
Currently Listening to: +LiVe+ - 'Run Away' & 'Simple Creed'
Currently Reading: someone's journal
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: trusted
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Autumn_Star
by the way ... i love those lil falling stars :)
PumpkinSeed
hmm
I need to hang round them more.... round people more.
I never felt like that before - made me almost consider being a father as something not needing to be feared.... maybe there's some truth to those who have told me I'll make a great dad? I used to blow it off **pfft! yeah right!**
I imagine perhaps this is something I needed to experience before going to work at the orphanage? (if they hire me)
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I stole the lil stars from Seafoam_Green 's Tab - i asked her if she would mind if I took them for a few days ....maybe I'll keep em longer than planned ;)