Entries for September, 2004
September 1, 2004 , 07:49 AM
PumpkinSeed
"You’re my vitamins because I’m like you."
~Kurdt
Currently Listening to: Nirvana - Drain You
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: hyper
Whadduya feelin?
September 2, 2004 , 12:36 PM
PumpkinSeed
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
YOU WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!
THE CANADIAN MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE CANADIAN MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE CANADIAN MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE CANADIAN MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE CANADIAN MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE CANADIAN MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE COUNTRY OF CANADA IS UNTAPPED!!!
NORTH AMERICA IS UNTAPPED!!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
YOU WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!
YOU WILL HELP THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE!!!
YOU WILL FEAR NOTHING!
YOU WILL FEAR NOTHING!
YOU WILL FEAR NOTHING!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME???
LOOK AT ME!!!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME???
YOU DON'T FEEL IT!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
LET NEWARK GROW!
BUILD YOUR BUSINESS ELESEWHERE!
...EVEN NEWARK!
BERGEN COUNTY NEEDS YOU!!!
HUDSON COUNY NEEDS YOU!!!
OTTAWA NEEDS YOU!!!
ONTARIO NEEDS YOU!!!
YOU DON'T HAVE COMPETITION, YOU HAVE SUPPORT!!!
YOU DON'T HAVE COMPETITION, YOU HAVE SUPPORT!!!
YOU DON'T HAVE COMPETITION, YOU HAVE SUPPORT!!!
YOU DON'T HAVE COMPETITION, YOU HAVE SUPPORT!!!
YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOU!!!!
YOUR DAD NEEDS YOU!!!!
THIS ISN'T A GAME!
DO YOU HEAR ME??
THIS ISN'T A GAME!
YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE THIS WORLD!
YOU'VE BEEN A BAD STEWARD WITH WHAT'S BEEN GIVEN YOU!
PRAISE GOD!
YOU ARE LOVED!
YOU ARE ACCEPTED!
YOU ARE RESPECTED!
YOU ARE SUPPORTED!!!!!!!!
YOU CAN GIVE 100%
YOU WILL NOT BE A BURDEN ANYMORE...A GRIEVANCE.
YOU WILL BE A BLESSING!!!
YOU ARE A GREAT MAN!!!
YOU'RE NOT A BOY ANYMORE!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
THERE ARE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN NEW JERSEY!!!
THERE ARE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN NEW JERSEY!!!
THERE ARE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN NEW JERSEY!!!
THE NEW JERSEY MARKET IS UNTAPPED!!!
there was some more to it, more like a conversation... including some praying, and praising!
-----
Lata, mum was talking with me about staying in college for this semester....how I should be getting a degree.
"A DEGREE MEANS NOTHING TO ME. IT NEVER HAS."
she told me how it provides you with greater ..or more opportunities...
"I HAVE THE GREATEST OPPORTUNITY IN THE WORLD!!!"
...it'll give you a backup!!
"I DON'T NEED BACKUP, I NEED TO WAKE UP!"
---------
YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH!!
YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE!!!
"OH, I CAN BE NEW!!!!!
YOU UNDERESTEMATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!"
I wonder now if I lied when I wrote "I WILL help thousands of people."
will it be millions?
but...
I can't do anything alone!
I need you!
"Individuals don't win games"
~Fran Tarkenton
I already have your love, acceptance, respect... you even CARE about me!
I THANK YOU ALL!
but I'm gonna be doing things a little differently. I hope your support continues!
I've been afraid to loose you, so I've been playing small.
I've got big things ahead! I hope you come with me! I won't let any of you stop me, so please spare me.
I'd love to reach my heights with all of you by my side. I'm such a fool to think I could do anything alone. It'll be with support. Hope it's yours!
don't think for a second I'm being greedy here either!
I want you all to win and reach your dreams as well! and I know you can't reach your's on your own either! we gotta do this together! Or no-one wins!
that's just how it works.
maybe it won't be US together - but it's gotta be someone!!
am I sounding confusing now?
I better stop
heh heh
love you all
~Seed
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam-Hail Hail (singin it louder than ever!
Currently Reading: P.P.L.S.I.'s "Getting Started Right"...again ;)
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: FIRED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whadduya feelin?
September 2, 2004 , 03:49 PM favorite
PumpkinSeed
"I know good from evil, and i know right from wrong. I know when somone is trying to help people, and I have studied Pre-Paid Legal Services. I am convinced that this is one of the greatest ideas for the law business I have ever seen."
~Mike Moore, Mississippi Attorney General (who prosecuted the largest case in the history of the world, a 246 Billion Dollar Settlement against the tabacco industry)
"I have wallstreat shaking in their boots" [Speaking of Mutual fund Fraud, and Corporate fraud]
"You give access to the legal system for working men and women. Pre-Paid Legal is one of the nation's premire companies."
~Elliot Spitzer, Attorney General of NY ("the most feared man in the finantial world living today")
"Injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere. Sell Pre-Paid Legal Memberships"
~Mark Shirtlift, Attorney General from Utah (Owns & uses the PPL Membership
and lastly, one quote I saw on Jay Leno...
"It's one thing to have justice
It's another thing to go overboard with justice"
~George W. Bush
(August 2004)
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Hail Hail
Currently Reading: Mark, Chapter 9
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: Just
Whadduya feelin?
September 3, 2004 , 09:37 AM
PumpkinSeed
I felt a need to address some things in my life that I thought I forgave myself for...but the more I thought of my past, the harder I was on me, and the more regrets I felt.
I thought I had to forgive me.
I remembered an excersize Mike Melia guided us through in "Hotlanta" a short while back, and thought it might be good to try it on myself. I pulled out my notes, and did it....well a variation of it - customized for me...by me.
I was expecting to forgive me.
I didn't.
I found myself seeing the "good" and "bad" of my past - differnt people, opportunties, and actions.
seeing where I made a difference for better, for worse, and where I let life pass me by. - not making a difference.
I was expecting to see a lot of where I screwed up. I saw some, but it didn't overwhelm me like I expected.
It was all in my past...and it really didn't matter that much..
why?
because right in front of me is so much...
new people
new opportunities
old opportunities I'm fortunate enough to get a second chance at....to right my wrongs.
but if I look @ my past, the thing in front of me will immidiately be in my past...and I'll have missed out.
so I look at the here and now, and embrace it
love it.
live it.
and let it go.
why must I let it go?? because if I don't I'll miss out on:
new people
new opportunities
old opportunities I'm fortunate enough to get a second chance at....to right my wrongs.
that are heading my way in a few moments.
If I don't let go....if I look to my past....I'll live in regret of today and tomorrow that I let pass me by.
I love you.
I appreciate you.
I hope you're in my life tomorrow.
but I let you go, so when tomorrow comes, I'll be there for whoever is there...perhaps you
so do I forgive me?
what is forgiveness?
if it's letting go of my past, then...
I'm forgiving me every moment I'm living and loving for today, and tomorrow.
I got up. I opened my eyes.
I heard my mum coming up the steps.
She thought she was coming up to do something....
She was coming up so I could hug her.
Love you.
~Seed
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Present Tense
Currently Reading: Mark, Chapter 10!! =)
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: in the moment
2 insights Xpresed
September 6, 2004 , 03:26 PM
PumpkinSeed
Currently Listening to: Sara Groves - All Right Here -01 Less Like Scars
Currently Reading: Juno Sent Folder
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: a healthy healing,stength
Whadduya feelin?
September 15, 2004 , 10:16 AM favorite
PumpkinSeed
--------- Forwarded message ----------
From: PumpkinSeed@juno.com
To: feedback@juno.com,support@juno.com,spamdesk@support.juno.com, President@Juno.com,announcement@support.juno.com
Date: Wed, 15 Sep 2004 12:54:32 -0400
--------- Forwarded message ----------
!!!
I LOVE JUNO!
I was one of the very first Juno members when Juno first started. Juno has been a huge part of my life.
I will never forget it. The day I received my floppy disk in the mail. Showing it to my dad! Look! I'm gonna get e-mail!!!
The phrase I saw on my screen every time I sent and received e-mail:
"E-mail Was Meant To Be Free"
such an amazing but simple concept. I have told sooooooooo many friends about Juno.
Soooo many times I told my friends about my other e-mail accounts, but when I referred to Juno, I said how that's the one I'll have for life. You can always get me there. That's the one rock solid e-mail service I have always had, and always will.
I don't know how many thousands of e-mails I have stored in my Juno on my computer. It's an archive of so many great moments in my life. It's the one place I don't have to worry about loosing an e-mail. It never corrupts, and never runs out of space. It's not on a server that can go down, and I can back it up.
I never imagined this day would come. Soooooooo many other free services have come and gone on the Internet....but Juno always stood strong.
When I had to pick a permanent e-mail address for my home-based business, I knew it had to be Juno.
I have a great e-mail server with my company, with no limits, but I choose Juno over that. I knew Juno's servers were more reliable, and knew I could depend on Juno as a database for my business e-mails.
In my household alone, me and my brother each have 2 Juno accounts, and my father has 1, and I was about to sign up my mother - she's finally ready to use e-mail for herself.
That's $60 a year to use Juno MegaMail. Money has always been tight in our household, and while $60 isn't a fortune, it's not easy.
If Juno was $10 a year, back in 1996, I'm sure I would have never started using Juno, and neither would have the rest of my family.
I can't complain, but I can share my disappointment. Juno will always be dear to me - the great service, the great concept/philosophy, and the great memories.
Times are different now. I understand that. It has been a great 8 years or so, and it's time for change. I understand that.
My initial thought is to have the old Juno supported by donations so some people could still use it for free.
Is there a way to get multiple accounts covered under MegaMail?
I'm upset, but not angry.
Thanks for 8 years of the best free e-mail in the world!
I wish U continued success, and will always recommend Juno to friends & business associates in need of a solid e-mail server and software.
Your proud, but saddened member,
~Andrew Jacob Sahagian
"E-mail Was Meant To Be Free"
PumpkinSeed@Juno.com
AJS-PPL@Juno.com
"NO SHELL SHALL STAND IN MY WAY TO ÄÑ¥ SEED!"
GOD RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://PrePaidLegal.com/hub/ASahagian
Session Start (PumSeed: Fernando: Wed Sep 15 12:55:14 2004
[12:55] PumSeed: 2day is a sad day
[12:55] PumSeed: just got news in my email
[12:55] Fernando: what happened?
[12:56] PumSeed: Juno - as I've known it since 1996 will no longer be free
[12:56] PumSeed:
[12:56] Fernando:
[12:56] PumSeed:
Dear Juno Member,
We are making some IMPORTANT CHANGES TO OUR EMAIL SERVICE for free
members. As of December 1, 2004, Juno Free members will be required to
use Juno Email on the Web to access their Juno email.
THIS CHANGE WILL AFFECT YOU if you are a Juno Free member and you
currently download your email to your computer using Juno, Outlook
Express or other “offline” email software. These changes to Juno email
will not affect Juno SpeedBand, Platinum, or MegaMail members or Juno
Free members who already exclusively use Juno Email on the Web to access
Juno email.
[12:57] PumSeed: looks like I'm gonna spend $10 a year for PumpkinSeed@Juno.com
[12:57] PumSeed: and $10 for AJS-PPL@Juno.com
[12:57] Fernando:
[12:58] PumSeed: the times, they are a changing
[12:58] PumSeed: I love my juno
[12:58] PumSeed: heh heh
[12:58] PumSeed: I have a great email server from my company:
[12:58] PumSeed: ASahagian@PrePaidLegal.com
[12:59] PumSeed: but ...it's not the same
[12:59] PumSeed: Juno is all I've known
[12:59] PumSeed: I remember being like 12 years old
[13:00] PumSeed: sending away for the Juno floppy disk before the company started the service
[13:00] PumSeed: I saw the advertisement in PC world
[13:00] PumSeed: and getting the floppy in the mail
[13:00] PumSeed: running down my Ally in Jersey City to show my dad
[13:00] PumSeed: installing the program
[13:00] Fernando: ahhh
[13:00] PumSeed: wow
[13:00] Fernando: groove
[13:00] PumSeed: free email!
[13:00] PumSeed: who will I email?
[13:00] PumSeed: i dont know anyone?
[13:01] PumSeed: !
[13:01] PumSeed: using my 2,400 baud modem
[13:01] Fernando: ah i dunno
[13:01] PumSeed: dialing the juno servers - taking forever to send text
[13:01] Fernando: ahhhh
[13:01] PumSeed: subscribing to a Grunge Mailing List
[13:01] PumSeed: good times
[13:02] PumSeed: my brother and I fighting to use the pone line
[13:02] PumSeed: he'd pick up to make phone calls with his friends, and interrupt my email transmissions
[13:02] PumSeed: ~sigh~
[13:03] PumSeed: good memoriez
[13:03] PumSeed: the best freakin email in the world
[13:03] PumSeed: 8 years at no cost
[13:03] Fernando: ya
[13:03] Fernando: absolutely
[13:03] Fernando: groovy
[13:03] PumSeed: before Yahoo mail, and hotmail
[13:03] PumSeed: before onebox
[13:03] PumSeed: and mail.com
[13:03] PumSeed: iname
[13:04] PumSeed: before the DOT Com bubble
[13:04] PumSeed: ~sigh~
[13:05] PumSeed: the email address I knew I'd have for life
[13:05] PumSeed: unlimited local storage
[13:05] PumSeed: thousands and thousands of emails stored
[13:06] PumSeed: probably over a thousand unread!
[13:07] PumSeed: with no worries
[13:07] PumSeed: cuz I can get to it later
[13:07] PumSeed: it's not goin anywhere
[13:07] PumSeed: sorry - had to vent
Currently Listening to: Sara Groves - Less Like Scars
Currently Reading: Juno Sent Folder
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: retrospective: good times
Whadduya feelin?
September 16, 2004 , 07:23 PM
PumpkinSeed
I did the part I was afraid to do for so long....I spoke.
now what?
true love is selfless...and all I REALLY want is what's best for her....but then there's that something else.
Yeah - there's love....but then there's longing too. longing isn't love. It can enhance love...keep love strong, and people together....but right now I'm letting it create distance. Longing for the one I love is stopping me from living my love.
argh!
She's not mine. Deep down, that's ok with me.
I respect her...them. I won't get in the way of anything, or be self imposing. But I can still love.
I refuse to live with passive love anymore. I have so much I want to give to her...........to them, if that's what it becomes.
It's just the next fear...anxiety to battle. The NEW set of "what if's".
All it comes down to is I don't want to hurt her....them. And I know I don't have to go away. That's not necesary.
I will not hide again.
I want to be a true friend.
I am a true friend.
I will love.
I will....
Ang pag-ibig....
Charity.
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Love Boat Captain
Currently Reading: 1 Corinthians 13 (KJV)
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: PAIN: for her stmach ache
8 insights Xpresed
September 18, 2004 , 08:11 PM
PumpkinSeed
brought me back my fantacy
one more realization of what I've been missing
one more rememberance of what's possible.
VIDA!
I forgot...it was possible to ....
to be
held.
the joy i see in other relationshps...
it's possible for me!!!
I look at yer smile...with him.
and I see you en vida!
I look at your reflection
and I see the beauty I've been missing for 10 years...
la vida.
I've had hopes and dreams, and beliefs of the future...with no vision.
no vision........................................no passion.
no passion............................no drive
no drive...............no action
no action....no vida.
I love you.
I am indebted to you more and more each day.
just for being who you are.
but you went beyond that.
and bit by bit you lived who you are...you expressed love.
heck, you've expressed all kindsa stuff.
you let me see.
a glipse of you
I don't know what He has for our future.
but for now
Your love is helping me get the courage that I need to live.
you are my teacher.
I feel you.
I don't know you
but you saw me.
I felt it.
I feel it.
but again you went beyond.
I am and will be forever humbled.
~~~~~~~~~~
how many times will I wake up?
how many layers are there?
how can it be I've had so many "awakenings" in less than 6 weeks?
How asleep can a living human-being be?
I PRAISE YOU, LORD!!
~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel so hugged the past few days.
by so many people.
and my mum & Kari were the only ones who actually gave me a real one!
well...besides a few self-hugs...thanx Arlene
Thank you, Aleea!!
Thank you, mum.
Thank you, Kari.
Thank you, Andrew.
Thank you, Clarisse.
Thank you, Pavla.
Thank you, Maggie.
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Scott.
Thank you, Granny D.
Thank you, LuvJen.
Thank you, Chris.
Thank you, Jennifer.
Thank you, Jacque.
Thanx, dad!
Thanx, dan.
Tannx, Unca Jim!
Thank you, to everyone who really cares about me...and had the guts to show it in one way or another.
I know I'm missing some.
some I forgot
some that I didn't accept.
many who were just out of touch, but I'm sure thought of me.
and I'm sure, many I just didn't feel
There are those who care...but don't show it in a way that I'd notice it....or find it difficult to believe, accept, or feel.
sometimes it's shown in a way that I find annoying...distancing....even hurtful!!
and dang, then there are those too busy to show they care.
those who don't let it be important enough to show, or who are too embarrased....afraid of silly crap to show they care. That's my tendancy, and it sucks to think anyone else has that too!
I sure owe a lotta people a lotta hugs!
What a shame.
There are those who don't even realize they care!
Then perhaps worst of all....those who deny it!
I can't hold it against them, but DANG, they're sure missing out! Missing out on giving & recieving luv.
Didn't mean to let this entry go into this topic....but what's being held without hugs and caring? I don't want that.
***HUGS!!***
~LuvSeed
Currently Listening to: Son By Four - A Puro Dolor (Bachata & Spanglish)
Currently Reading: Still in Mark.
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: a spark of passion.
Whadduya feelin?
September 19, 2004 , 12:06 PM favorite
PumpkinSeed
67% Battery Life....12 hours since I got unplugged.
I...I want to look at you.
more than that, I want to hold you...comfort you.
I want to hear your voice...again....and this time listen.
I want to see your face...again...and this time see.
I long to to know your physical/mental/emotional struggles.
...and I would love to know your spiritual struggles!
I already know your your nationality
your ethnicity
your age
your marital status
if you have a boyfriend
if your a virgin
and none of it matters one bit.
I still long to know....all you think about me,
I dont want to hear how busy you are
but instead what your job is....if it's your passion....or your pain.
I know bits of your "history", your decisions...your mistakes...your lucky moments...the "good" that you've done...the "bad" too!...
Mine didn't matter, and neither does yours!!!
I'm still curious of your hobbies...your financial status, your style of clothing...favourite book...
(By the way, you got impecable taste in music)
I know my love is real.
I'm sorry I judged you.
I want to know you.
YOU! YES YOU! Y. O. U., YOU!
because when I know YOU....there's no way on earth that I could possibly judge you....and not accept you.
When I know YOU, I can't help but to love you.
I always have.
I'm afraid something is getting in the way of that love.
the stuff
the distractions
the things I like and dislike....the things I falsly associated to mean or reflect YOU.
I dont mind being physically attracted to you anymore.
That's right - I still love you even though I like you!!!!!!!!
But cuz I liked you...I idealize you...dreamt about you, and wished for you, and made you into this potentially perfect.....Galatea .....a fake...love.
I missed out on
you.
But I still loved you.
59% 2:34pm....
you're worth it. even if I were never plugged in again...!
YES YOU!
58%
57%
I did my best...
but still fell back a little.
to where I saw you as __ and__.
when I thought you ____.
when I heard you, but couldn't listen.
when I labeled you as______.....one of THEM.
when I believed you didn't feel what you said you did.
when I believed I didn't really matter to you.
when I believed you were better than me
when I believed I was better than you.
when I envied you.
when I pittied you.
when I believed your lies to youreslf.
when I believed my lies.
when I didn't trust God.
when I took you for granted.
when I didn't love myself.
when I dismissed you.
when I obsessed over you.
when I couldn't get enough of what I thought was you.
when I labeled you as just possibly THE ONE....
all along just trying to know you, and be known.
55%
I'm not sorry that I trusted you.
I'm not sorry that I still do...
-----
54% 2:50pm
I'm not sorry I was finally able to read your entry and feel it. I always wanted to.
to visit
to understand
I'm just starting to understand you, and what you felt....so that I can one day genuinely say "I undestand you", and you can take comfort in that reassurance that wow - someone understands me!
53%
there's more....
I love you.
I'm online to post this even though I need to take my medicine....it's already 40 minutes late.
I accept you.
I'm in Rutherford now. parked where I could find a WIFI internet signal. it's a low signal...
but good enough.
I respect you.
I might even enjoy my day.
I miss you.
52%
sitting in the shade of the morning sun. feeling the most awake in my life.
I feel you.
Copying...pasting....
I caught a glimpse of you.
50%
adding final touches
I thank you.
Currently Listening to: Benjamin Gideon-I Want To Know You(by Andy Park)
Currently Reading: http://www.tabulas.com/~Autumn_Star/475702.html
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: a little less thana 59
4 insights Xpresed
September 21, 2004 , 10:31 AM
PumpkinSeed
cuz when I didn't....
it was just too easy to love blindly...without substance.
and I got a glimpse.
a glimpse of what people are really like...outside of my head and assumtions, and pre-judgements.
I caught a glimpse...and still love in spite of it all....
I'm begining
to grow up.
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Corduroy
Currently Reading: us.
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: real.....
Whadduya feelin?
September 21, 2004 , 11:21 PM
PumpkinSeed
5:26am, 9:35am, 2:40pm
hmm...
I spent a lot of time re-reading my tabulas.
I coulda spent that time reading yours!
I spent a lot of time thinking what to say.
I coulda spent that time speaking from my heart.
I spent a lot of time watching you.
I coulda spent that time with you.
I spent a lot of time listening to music.
I coulda spent that time creating music.
I spent a lot of time journaling.
I coulda spent that time living.
I spent a lot of time listening.
I coulda spent that time sharing.
I spent a lot of my life dreaming.
I coulda been living my dreams.
I spent a lot of time pre-judging you.
I coulda spent that time trusting you.
I spend a lot of time singing to my car.
Can I spend that time singing to you?
I spent a lot of time schedueling.
I coulda spent that time doing.
I spent a LOT of time taking pleasure in the fake.
I coulda spent that time getting to know the real you.
I spent most my life comfortably numb.
I missed out on feeling.
I spent a lot of time admiring traits of my heros.
I now spend that time bringing those traits out in myself.
I spent a lot of time believing my faith.
I coulda spent that time trusting & obeying.
I spent a lot of time home...alone.
I coulda spent that time....well, ANYWHERE, and with ANYONE...doing ANYTHING...LIVING!!
I spent a lot of time thinking of, and missing you.
I coulda spent that time reaching out to you.
I spent a lot of time thinking no-one understands.
I coulda spent that time telling you who I am.
I spent a lot of my mind judging you...ruling you out...rejecting you.
I coulda used my heart to see you...the real you.
I spent a lot of time.
I coulda SAVED a lot of time.
I spent a lot of time.
I coulda GIVEN that time
I spent a lot of time.
I coulda USED that time
I spent a lot of time waiting for someone to guide me.
I coulda spent that time seeking out mentors.
I spent a lot of energy to stay in the shadows...keeping myself alone.
I coulda spent that time ...caring for you...supportnig you...encouraging you...loving you.
I spent a lot of time in fear and protection.
I now live for love and growth.
Any you can think of that I missed??
~LuvSeed
Currently Listening to:
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling:
3 insights Xpresed
September 21, 2004 , 11:24 PM
PumpkinSeed
5:09pm
2day I woke
2day I ate
2day I did 4 squirts of cologne!!!
2day I got out!
2day I walked
2day I sang
2day I touched the stitch in my mouth for the first time with my tongue. ouch!
2day I jogged
2day I ran
2day I sang!
2day I remembered who I am, and what my purpose is.
2day I thought....a lot. (what's new?)
2day I re-read and felt...again sigh
2day I ate a lil more.
2day I admired God's gifts in nature...and thought as a child again.
2day I smiled as I leaned against the sign-post, looking at the people drive by, as I broke apart a dry branch into little pieces.
2day I tried throwing an acorn under the wheels of a moving car.
2day I thought of when you were happy...how I long for that day to come again...for that day to never end...to make both him & I proud.
2day I wanted to make those who love me happy.
2day I decided to be happy....enjoy life.
2day I .....crap!! I had to come home.
2day I relased some tension...and I weaped inside for you.
2day I prayed.
2day I prayed
2day I prayed yet again...yer my inspiration.
2day I accepted me. I accepted HIS gifts. I accepted you. I accepted what HE has for us.
2day I decided, once again, to let go.
2day I live in peace.
2day I wrote, and posted my Tabulas entry I had been waiting 46 hours, and 34 minutes to post.
2day I loved me.
2day I decided to find out a little more what it means to love HIM.
2day I loved you. (no surprise there, right?)
2day I downloaded a few mp3's
2day....
2day I deleted some mp3's from my Psion....and replaced them. I can't be listening to those anytime soon. They might just stir up some old dreams.
2day I had the house to myself for a time....a time to blast some music.
2day I head-banged, and "drummed" for the first time since my wisdom tooph was pulled
2day I DANCED. I DANCED HARD! I DANCED WELL, to "Neuroticfish - True Faith (philip steir re-order mix).mp3"
2day I slowed my dance as I looked into the mirror...
2day I slowed my dance as I wondered if I was just covering up my grief.
2day I DANCED. I DANCED HARD! I DANCED WELL!!!
2day I slam danced to "WFDQ Rock Show - Waking - True Faith.mp3"
2day I jammed on the piano to "Waking - The Maze - 03 - True Faith.mp3"
2day I enjoyed the music of another soul....Benjamin Gideon!
2day I finall made my appointment to get that stitch out!
2day I finally called back my friend, to get her the info I promised.
2day I take a shower & shave....it's nearly time for our PPL Meeting!
2day I prepare for a long night!
Currently Listening to: Unashamed Love.mp3
Currently Reading: I got these 2 nice posters, you should see!!
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: tacky...showa time!
Whadduya feelin?
September 22, 2004 , 12:32 PM
PumpkinSeed
that's it! That's it! That's why I aint happeh....right?
it doesn't really matter what I do if it's all this solitude crap.
I woke alone
got out alone
walked alone
sang alone
jogged alone
ran alone
sang alone
ate alone
admired alone
smiled alone.
prayed alone
lived alone
loved alone.
decided, downloaded, and deleted alone.
thought, and longed, and freakin DANCED...alone.
showered alone....well that's ok.
I think U get the point.
driving home (alone) from the PPL meeting, I was pulling over to find a WIFI signal to post the last 2 entries, when it hit me...I'm just STARTING to grasp this....I want a friend in my passenger seat!! I'm FREAKIN LONELY!!
"But I have friends!"
I sure do! I got some of the bestest friends I could hope for...but there's something missing...
at first I thought it was cuz I need a buddy that sticks close....but even that wouldn't fully do it.
When do I feel the best, but after hearing a friend pour out their heart on me...and I on them. knowing we listened to each other!
"But our happiness needs to come from within...not from friends!"
true...
I know inside, I'm a really happeh guy, with life and joy bursting...especially thanx to God, and the peace and joy He gives me in my core.......but no one to share it with!
so is that it?
It's NOT just because I'm physically alone...
I have so many people who like me, and enjoy me...
"I'm not alone, and never have been. So many people care for me. What about my family? - I'm with them daily!"
It's partly becaues I'm not sharing....me.
It's partly because others aren't sharing with me.
I wanna blame some friends. I do phone calls, but many of them don't make the time to talk, or call me back, or hang out.
"But what about when we do talk for hours??"
I guess for some reason, It's just not enough?
I guess it'd be different if it were done in preson rather than on the phone or email?
I've decided to be happeh....this is just my exploration trying to think of the steps it takes.
"Conclusion?"
I feel the happehest just BEING WITH friends....when we're talkin openly....being ourselves....our true selves.
But most of my life, I saw myself as a "loner" the kid in his own lil world. I always kept my eyes open to encounter my soulmate....that other loner I'd bunk into someday wondering along some grassy knoll. The one I'd connect with and share everythign with. The one that would have the same odd scheduel, and just want to hang out forever....mozying here and there, and doing some crazy stuff time to time.
.......I miss you, Rachel
:')
I could really use someone close.
I think we should hang out more. Share from our hearts, and listen. Know we know each other.
"It is not good for man to be alone"
~God
Currently Listening to: Nirvana - Come As You Are
Currently Reading: Mark 13
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: beyond the numbness. :/
4 insights Xpresed
September 22, 2004 , 11:08 PM favorite
PumpkinSeed
You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope.
With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.
Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
You're blessed when you're content with just who you are--no more, no less.
That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God.
He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
You're blessed when you care.
At the moment of being "carefull,' you find yourselves cared for.
You're blessed when you get your inside world--your mind and heart--put right.
Then you can see God in the outside world.
~Jesus of Nazareth
Taken from "The Message" Paraphrase of Matthew 5
Currently Listening to: Joel Engle - I Bow Down
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: cared for & "care full"
10 insights Xpresed
September 30, 2004 , 12:26 PM
PumpkinSeed
(This white background has GOT TO GO!)
If not, at least leave some suggestions in the comments of this entry.
cool
thanx
~Seed
Currently Listening to: wow - there's no song in my head for once!
Currently Reading: buncha tabs on love & breakups
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: in integrity
2 insights Xpresed
