Entries for October, 2004
October 2, 2004 , 01:09 AM inside the outside, Living life :)
PumpkinSeed
I owe more than just hugs lately!
just thought I'd toss a lil update yer way.
Life is good.
I'm lovin it! I'm still hard on me....but geze, I'm lovin my mistakes too! I'm freakin livin (tho not constantly, but hey- i'm new to this!)
I'm lovin, and caring for people....and doing something about it for once!
eh - still not caring for my body enuff....2day I couldn't get outta the stupor of sleep. I woke before 10am, then decided to pray...but I kept fallin asleep and dreaming.
finally got up past 3pm...was supposed to go jogging with my bro....but I got "caught" in a nice long "conversation" with mum. I was mostly listening. Dang, she's pretty insightful/wise/caring/etc. when she's not buzy freakin out or repeating herself.
yes, mum, that's a complement!
I guess someday my parents will find out, and read my tabulas.
perhaps.
I guess that's up to me. hmmm.....
well I FINALLY went for my walk/jog/run.
I found it pretty scarey to discover how short a distance I could run uphill.
Found it even more scarey when I finished my sprint back to home base....my freakin insides were burning
, pounding, throbbing,
and some other stuff that freaked me out
. I just stood gasping as I leaned forward on our brick wall
, waiting for Dan to unlock the door.It's called a clue: Gotta excersize MORE! Wish I had a PAIR of wrist weights to strap on while walking & jogging. Guess I could use my ONE.
(Note: I fell asleep again round 5pm.)
---
Came back from VEGAS on Tuesday morning. Was great to feel welcomed back warmly from ya's (Cai & Aleea)
Vegas was cool. I mean - It was hot...but I enjoyed myself there. It wasn't the BEST PPL convention I've been to, but perhaps the most important one for my personal business! I came outta that one with the closest thing I've ever had to a RESOLVE to do my part to make this thing work.
One lil tid-bit I got from there, was we could use more than just a "WHY" to be successful. It helps to have a "WHO".
I couldn't help but think of you.
sigh
---
Upon my brother's persistancy, we went to go shoot some gunz @ a shooting range! GOOD STUFF!
That very morning, in my "Life's Little Instruction Book", I read something like "Learn to properly operate firearms." After reading that to my brother, he was flippin on me saying it was like an omen that we now HAD to go do it. So I gave in - the book made me do it
Yeah, I'm a Chun-Li Wannabe
It was fun, and a good learning experience.
They didn't have an "AUTO 9" (Robocop's gun), so I settled for a Semi-Auto 9mm. We started each with a 22 calibur, then upgraded to the 9mm.
---
When we 1st got to Vegas, It was party time with the Melia's (as always!) I made sure not to wear my painfully uncomfy shoes...but rather my sneakers.
After maybe 20 minutes, one woman I met on the dance floor @ "Hotlanta" invited me out to dance again. I thanked her, and let-er-rip!
I DANCED.
I DANCED HARD.
I DANCED...Pretty good!
For those who don't know, I love to dance....dancing is a RELEASE for me
.....ALONE, and in secret! But this was a risk/struggle for me. ESPECIALLY when people can see me. ESPECIALLY when dancing WITH another woman/person.
I feel I dance best when I close my eyes, zone out, and feel the music.
I did my best this time to keep my eyes open 
...my head up
, keepin some eye contact
, not loosing my smile
, and heck even occasional physical contact with other humans time to time!
Usually the most physical contact I make with others while dancing, is stepping on them or bunking into them, or wacking them with my flailing arms!:"
sorry...sorry...sorry......"I did much more contact with others while dancing @ "Hotlanta". This time I found myself keepking a distance more. I'll still only touch another if THEY invite/initiate it.
well.... this time, more than others, I found people taking notice of me. Perhaps 5 or 6 women wanting to dance with me. Men and women were throwing their encouragement & complements my way... I wanted to run
....shut my eyes
....go away
....at least zone out
.but I stayed there....in reality....with people.
ouch.
and I saw the look on one elderly woman's face as we danced, facing each other to Madonna's "Cherish The Love"...and I looked into her eyes.... and I thought...God, I'm making a difference in other people's lives!!! I'm freakin making a difference!!!
I Danced.
I danced gently, but inside I was dancing hard.
...and while I danced....I couldn't help but think of you.
sigh
My Mentor, Jerry Joyce called me "Twinkle Toes", and kept commenting how I was captured with photos...that my secret was out!
His wife, my other mentor, DeAnn, told me had I put that much energy into my business, I'd surely be successful already. I told her how dancing is one area I'm learning to give my all....it's excersize so I can feel free to give in other areas as well.
My brother told me, people were refering to him as "Andrew's Brother".
On and on throughout the weekend, I heard comments about my dancing from different people.
Later that 1st evening...heck - it was past midnight, so that MORNING, one of the top Executive Directors came up to me while I was shopping for water in Wallgreens, and he asked me my name.
"My name is Andrew Jacob Sahagian"
He told me his name. I said I already knew his name.
He commented about my unique energy or presence, or something like that. I thanked him, and told him how it was a risk, and a growing experience for me. I told him how I was still a ZERO when it came to my business.
He then told me how he WAS a Computer Programmer for Microsoft. I told him, "I remember." (His wife smiled, and commented.)
He then told me that if HE, a computer programmer, can be successful at this business, ANYONE CAN!!
Thanx, Steve! Before leaving the Stardust hotel, I spoke with one of the women who danced with me. (note: I refused to dance with her to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
) And she was telling me of her youph...dancing all Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights long.CLEAN fun. Dancing till the BAND dropped.
She gave me her thoughts and method of dancing.
"Step...and step...and step...and step!"
She asked me where all the DIRTY dancing and dressing came from. Why is it so prevelant in our culture now? Surely it wasn't from her generation's influence, right??? I gave her the easy, but honest answer. I think a lot of it comes from young people being brought up BY television.
I mostly dance as I FEEL music.
I have to believe most people dance as they've seen other's dance....and I believe the 1st place new dance moves/stlyes/methods are seen...is on TV! Of corse it spreads by other means....like by what ya see on Dance floors....but I belive that's likely the main source. Enlighten me otherwise if ya want.
eh.
Well later that weekend....at the conclusion of one of the main conference sessions....I saw her again....she was layed out on a stretcher...being wheeled out.
I felt to run after her....but I stopped myself, and began to freakin THINK instead! 
I had to freakin RATIONALIZE a reason to care enough to rush to check on her. Anywayz, fortunately I came up with a good excuse to care: "she's my sister in the Melia family, so I should care.". I rushed to one of the medical aids and asked if she could tell me what's wrong with her. She told me she was sorry, but she couldn't tell me.I looked at her.
Her eyes closed...hands crossed over her tummy and purse...looking peaceful....I think she was alive...Then it hit me.
Life is good. life is precious. She has made a difference in my life. And perhaps...the differnece I made in her life...may have been one of the last.
But for a moment, we were there for each other. Supporting each other to be happy....to enjoy ourselves....feel heard....feel FELT....LIVING LIFE!!....and knowing...perhaps for but a moment, we're each important to each other. We made a difference to each other.
Thanx for the dance!
I can't hide anymore. Never again.
DANG.
-----
SUPERJOY!! mum signed up for Pathways' BASIC at the local Guest event on Tuesday!! (She didn't pick a date yet tho.)
I'm a lil dissapointed that none of the 24 peeps I talked with came, and 15 other peeps still never called me back after I left a voicemail or message just askin them to get back to me as soon as possible.
oh well...I'm just amazed that I got myself the ballz to call 39+ people!!! That's so unlike me. But for once, I made the effort for some of the people I care about, and wish for them to better their lives, and the lives of those they impact!! Cool!
heh - at the end of one of the phone calls, I got WACKED with a very unexpected "love you!"
I don't recall how I replied, but she responded with somethin like "You're supposed to say, 'Back at ya!'" Still dumbfounded, I blurted out the excuse, "sorry - I'm still new at this......" refering to my new-found abilities to feel & express love. What a lame excuse. hmmm......
hmmmm......
ok....umm.... NEXT SUBJECT PLEASE!!
hmm....
spent a LOTTA time Thursday on tabulas and the such....but it payed off in that after some searching for the Community I wanted to join....I discovered it didn't exist!
So I decided to make it! 
I hope it goes betta than planned. We'll see! It's up to us!
---
Wednesday was interesting too. For the 1st time, I went to our church's new "Teen Xtreme: Velocity" group. I'm super glad they started sumthin up for the youph again! I wanna support it however I can. I feel that's where I should be doin stuff. When I was there, I felt freaked out
a bit by the yungins being rude, and yellin, and jumpy and stuff.
I felt freaked out...just like a few years back when I was a teen arround such kidz. I felt to go into my old pattern of judging them
, and slipping into my own world. Heck, I wanted outta there!
But I did my best not to. That's never benefitted me or anyone. I gotta rough it out, and stay who I really am
, and be caring, and supportive.eh - besides singing
, I was pretty quiet most of that nite.Earlier I got to hang with a "long lost" friend.
Was nice not feelin alone. We didn't open up much, but it was nice. And later that evening....geze...another night of massive sharing with 'Becca! Left her place past 6am! It'z amazin how much we have in common.
At the same time, we're able to give "opposite" perspectives/insights to each other that we just can't see on our own. Thanx again, 'Becca! Alwayz a pleasure! **hugs**---
Last night I dreamed a dream... A dream I had been longing to dream for so long...
...and while I dreamed....I couldn't help but grab and hug you.
Whoda thought it'd be after all we been through?
well....
I don't like writing entries this long....but so be it.
There's plenty of crap I left out....espeically the lame crap I'd rather not admit.
Lata folx!
"It's high time I razed the walls that I've constructed."
Currently Listening to: REM - World Leader Pretend & The Wrong Child
Currently Reading: 'Yesterday I Cried'
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: out there...in here
2 insights Xpresed
October 3, 2004 , 01:19 AM Ang pag-ibig
PumpkinSeed
In the secret, in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there
In the secret, in the quiet hour
I wait only for You
'Cause I want to know You more
I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more
...
I am reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize
Pressing onward,
pushing every hindrance aside
Out of my way
'Cause I want to know You more
I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more and more
...more and more and more...
CLICK TO LISTEN to Benjamin Gideon's performance of this song.
In The Secret (I Want to Know You)
By Andy Park
© 1995 Mercy / Vinyard Publishing
Currently Listening to:
Currently Reading: ...
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: self doubt...am I wrong?
Whadduya feelin?
October 4, 2004 , 04:10 PM favorite Ang pag-ibig
PumpkinSeed
I need a friend.
-------------------------------------------------
Your soft words warm my heart
grant me peace...
give me hope.
Let me move on.
your words are true.
this I know.
---------------------------------
I don't trust you....
to find yourself
to reach for your limitless limits.
to care for you.
to find what's meant for you.
I refuse to move on till I know you'll be ok without me...
...is my not moving on keeping you from living?
---------------------
proove to me beyond words
that you're important enough to you.
that you will do whatever it takes.
that you will live.
-----------
I'd say to do it for me.
but when I'm gone
who will you do it for?
------
don't you miss you too?
---
I will move on.
I pray to find another love as pure as yours.
I trust I will.
I will move on.
but I will never let you go.
-
Currently Listening to:
Currently Reading: intuition.pwd
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling:
3 insights Xpresed
October 6, 2004 , 02:30 AM Ang pag-ibig
PumpkinSeed
songs filtered through your heart...
distilled.
pure.
potent.
---
life and all it's ventures....don't stand on their own...
they're held up to you...
what relevance do they have in relation or comparison to you,
my love.
?
---
I long and FIGHT to get out...
out of my head: with people...taking action.....making a differnce
...out to the unknown...happiness...growth
!
but I can't go far without going into my heart...where you reside
and everything else....everyone else....seems to fade away....
time fades away...
out of heart: out of sight.
---
and I stand alone...
warmed...
not alone.
embraced.
accepted.
and other words....words I don't want to admit....
words...feelings I can't accept.
dang.
just
---
and I cry.
I weep.
and I can't explaine it.
and I love it.
what the heck is it? I never done this before.
it feels so great...and I don't want to stop crying.
took me near 20 years to learn how to cry again.
dang it feels good.
don't even wanna wipe em away.
---
---
and eventually...everything else...everyone else begins to fade back in...
...time catches up...
and there I am...alone...but not.
time to resume the other parts of life.
---
dang.
---
Why are they separated? Why is living just a portion of my life?
and what's this on my glasses?? never seen this before!?!?
Love Actually
---
your songs running through my head...
...through my heart...
...our songs.
!
dang.
Currently Listening to: Hoku - You First Believed & Keahiwai - Falling
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: I'm the luckiest seed
3 insights Xpresed
October 8, 2004 , 03:18 AM Living life :)
PumpkinSeed
life iz good.
thanx to all the participants!
(:
~luvseed
Currently Listening to:
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: peace
Whadduya feelin?
October 8, 2004 , 10:13 PM favorite Introspections, Ang pag-ibig
PumpkinSeed
"leaving the one he loves for the comfort of the one who sees." ...for the one who loves him...
cares
adores
watches
listens
dreams
FEELS
UNDERSTANDS
comforts
touches
cherishes
encourages
inspires
the one I feel known by.
the one who fills my holes.
the one whom I wish to fill.
the one as lonely as me.
"No one understands me!" "no one ever has"He learns otherwise.
you met my emotional needs...
guided me to restore my vision of my future...not alone!
You nourished me...
"You're my vitamins because I'm like you."
But when I'm in it, how can I dicipher a friend from a mate?
I'm freakin emotinoally completed!!
recieving what I've never accepted before from anyone else...because I know you understand me....and I know you're love is genunie.
you selflessly gave to me.
and I accepted it, and held on for dear life.
and I tested you.
prooved to myself that your love is unconditional.
dang! It's real It's freakin real.
You're an amazing woman.
I want to tell you to NEVER settle for a man who can't see and appreicate that......but what does it take for a man to see and appreciate you? ALL of you.
.........................................................
Others have seen and pointed out the AMAZING ME before...but I didn't believe them cuz I didn't see it in myself.
The only reason I believed she didn't know I existed...is cuz I hadn't been myself arround her.
The only reason I couldn't accept that you all love and care about me...is cuz I knew you never knew the full me....because I've been afraid to show you all who I really am. What I'm really about.
I've been hearing for months how I have to let people in.
THAT AINT IT!
I HAVE TO BE LET OUT!!!
As I put myself out, others come in:
As I show myself to others....only then can I accept/believe their love for me.
As I give myself to others...only then can I feel them in me.
Thank you, Cai!
---
As I'm out there....
many won't understand me.
some may hate, & despise me.
some may mock me....make "fun" of me.
some may take advantage of me.
some may dismiss me.
some may just label me as "one of them"
but ya know what?
some WILL love and adore me, and I'll freakin believe them!
you've proven that to me.
and it's worth everything.
you're love is worth everything.
I love you.
VIDA!
***Driving to my J.O.B.
heading east on Rt. 46
in the middle lane
as PorQy squeaks at everyone in the left lane***
Thanx Theo!
Love you.
~seed
Currently Listening to: Hoku - You First Believed
Currently Reading: Granny D's Bible Study notebook from Geraldine
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: clearer
2 insights Xpresed
October 9, 2004 , 03:43 AM
PumpkinSeed
pumpkinseed17: I mean - I wish U didn't delete it
toxikaith: because?
pumpkinseed17: I have this thing against deleting journal entries
*SNIP*
pumpkinseed17: my friend, deleted her whole tab
pumpkinseed17: said it was the best way to vent after an arguemnt or fight
pumpkinseed17: I see it as a way to try to erase the past instead of dealing with it
pumpkinseed17: (neither is accomplished)
*SNIP*
toxikaith: i agree woth you...
toxikaith: but it could be her way of dealing with things...
toxikaith: i mean, we have different view on things
pumpkinseed17: yea...
toxikaith: only she would know the effect and the reason behind her action
pumpkinseed17: just I'm concerned for her that she just sometimes ignores problems, and says all is ok when it aint, and nothing gets worked out
pumpkinseed17: but that's just an assumtion
pumpkinseed17: (i make lots of assumtions)
toxikaith: denial....freud's defense mechanisms....
*SNIP*
pumpkinseed17: ya mean with his cocain addiction?
toxikaith: nope...
toxikaith: i mean that sigmund freud has these types of defense mechanism we study in school...
pumpkinseed17: I'm a psyc major, and never really studied freud
toxikaith: and one of which is denial..
*SNIP*
pumpkinseed17: I'm a lil uncomfy with my last entry...
pumpkinseed17: not used to being so open...especially when mentioning others
*SNIP*
toxikaith: i think i came across something in your post...but im not sure if i got it right
pumpkinseed17: ***trying to think just WHAT my simple message was***
pumpkinseed17:
toxikaith: i see stuff in your post
toxikaith: you love cai
toxikaith: she changed you
toxikaith: you're slowly liberated from the darkness you built for yourself because of her love...of your love
toxikaith: and it talks about how one should be changed by learning to love onself..
toxikaith: then he can learn to let other people in....
pumpkinseed17: cool
pumpkinseed17: heh heh - ok - didn't see all that
toxikaith: did i get it right?
pumpkinseed17: I guess my message is...
pumpkinseed17: freakin be open. & live in the love that comes from it...
toxikaith: well...yeah
pumpkinseed17: open and out there
toxikaith: i think you made that a little obvious
pumpkinseed17: ...and.....
toxikaith: and?
pumpkinseed17: our love for each other is a temporary fix for our holes....pluging each other cuz we dont love ourselves, or accept love from others....
pumpkinseed17: and dang, that aint what a relationship should be based on long term..
pumpkinseed17: tho it feels so great
toxikaith: yep....
pumpkinseed17: dang
pumpkinseed17: ...sumthin like that
toxikaith: why?
pumpkinseed17: cuz that aint gonna bring long term happiness...right?
pumpkinseed17: and a great relationship, I believe
pumpkinseed17: is 2 people complementing each other - having strengths and weaknesses the other doesn't have
pumpkinseed17: but the 2 people aiming for common goals
pumpkinseed17: the same direction in life
toxikaith: right
toxikaith: law of compensation
pumpkinseed17: 2 lonely people ....well they got the same weakness
pumpkinseed17: and if that's the basis, our goals can be completely different...but because "it feels so good", we can hold together...but never get anywhere
toxikaith: i agree
pumpkinseed17: and should anything happen to one of the 2 people....then the other feelz.....dead again
pumpkinseed17: I assume
toxikaith: like lovebirds
pumpkinseed17: a good relationship.... 2 people....very different....constantly challenging each other....growing...strengthening each other
pumpkinseed17: being each other's strength
toxikaith: awwwwwwww
toxikaith: that's good
pumpkinseed17: and by time they're gone.....yer more complete
toxikaith: yes....
toxikaith: growth and completion...the elements a relationship must not lack
pumpkinseed17: cool - I gotta save this chat session
pumpkinseed17: perhaps on my tabulas?
pumpkinseed17: heh heh
toxikaith: your call...
pumpkinseed17:
toxikaith: im fine with it
toxikaith: you know me....
pumpkinseed17: heh heh
toxikaith: i have nothing against posting stuff
toxikaith:
pumpkinseed17: for once in my life ....I was living in the moment....living...feeling....not thinking
pumpkinseed17: experiencing.....not rationalizing
toxikaith: good for you
toxikaith: im over those days already
toxikaith: im now rationalizing
pumpkinseed17: need balance
pumpkinseed17: both
pumpkinseed17: I just dived into it
pumpkinseed17: neither alone will get us what we want
toxikaith: its my turn to build my own walls to lock myself in
toxikaith: .........
toxikaith: i shall go now...i need to catch some rest
pumpkinseed17: me 2....been a pleasure!
pumpkinseed17: and I have dialup too
pumpkinseed17: I feel yer pain
pumpkinseed17:
toxikaith:
toxikaith: thanks!
toxikaith: bye now
Currently Listening to: U2 - Unchained Melody
Currently Reading: the un-deleted entry
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: almost awake..g`nite! -_-
3 insights Xpresed
October 9, 2004 , 11:24 AM
PumpkinSeed
1st day serving tables. Did 3 on my own!
Got to keep $30.94 (american)
Surprised to see someone tipped X dollars, and 63 cents! ....I think I found the 4th penny somewhere actually.
I did betta than I expected.... everyone's treatin me nice. even the impatient customers!
THANX!
kinda scarey poping a cork for the 1st time...they had me do it at the cutomers' table!
took me what felt like a minute....started freakin out when the cork started to crack....paniced...started pulling & twisting it by hand...remembeing the dude said to pull it STRAIGHT out....
phew! didn't spill it or have a flying cork!
---
So why a J.O.B.? Why THIS J.O.B.??
well honestly...the main motivation for being a waiter is that it's the job I'm terrified of!
It's everything I've never wanted.
It's exactly what I'm not....everything that I need to be.
I mean...I aim to be the BEST waiter. not just to get by.
I assume the best...(or most pitiful or attractive) waiters get the best tips, but I aint in it for the $. (that's just a bonus)
What's the big attraction?
2 B the best waiter, ya gotta....
be disciplined
a good listener
a good communicator
ask & answer questions
GET HELP FROM OTHERS
do team work
create friendships with staff & customers
handle criticism, rejection, anger, impatience, complaints, indecision, denial, etc. from customers
handle jealousy, greed, pride, competition, critisism, jokes, etc. from co-workers
stay alert
get a lil dirty
communicate en español!
Olé!!!follow instructions
work without being told what to do!!!
do yer part to make the customer feel important, cared for, welcomed, comfy, liked, happeh, etc.
have a neat & clean appearance
have a confident & energized presence
.....ALL THE THINGS I NEED TO BE GREATLY SUCCESSFUL IN MY BUSINESS, OF MAKING FRIENDS, & HELPING OTHERS!!!!
Currently Listening to: Kirsten Dunst - Dream of Me
Currently Reading: Order Pad for waiter #25
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: sorry:I need 2 email U :(
Whadduya feelin?
October 10, 2004 , 12:49 PM
PumpkinSeed
in longing for someone.
in wishing for more.
in being atached to the possibilities
in communicating truth
When dooes the peace leave?
when we set expectations
when we become attached to the outcome
no longer letting things be...seeing where things lead
no longer trusting: self, God, and them
I love you
~seed
Currently Listening to: Paul Baloche - Offering
Currently Reading: Acts of the apostles 28
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: back
Whadduya feelin?
October 10, 2004 , 11:14 PM
PumpkinSeed
nice...hmmm......
she ordered it using "On Demand" (sorta like Pay-Per View")
they're asleep now...
she said it's ok if I ordered and watch some movie called "Perfect Strangers" (said she'll watch it too before the 24 hours is up)
wish i had someone to watch it with....
I've heard good things about it from a friend....
hmmm.....
sigh
Currently Listening to: U2 - the song b4 and after the film :)
Currently Reading: book? it's movie nite!
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: relaxed,missing U,worried
3 insights Xpresed
October 11, 2004 , 04:03 AM
PumpkinSeed
umm...yea
hmmm...
Perhaps I'm slow....I feel like there's more to what I just saw than what I got.
thinking I'll process some more over the next few days.
---
So I just watched "Perfect Strangers" (the film)
for much of it I was leaning FWD with my eyes huge...oft in denial...seeing...but feeling I'm not grasping everything really going on...
wanna wait a few days before thinkig I've grasped it...
perhaps see it again 2day?
Currently Listening to: Hoku - You First Believed
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: sleepeh: just awple again
2 insights Xpresed
October 12, 2004 , 12:28 PM
PumpkinSeed
1. The one who's imperfect...but is perfect for me.
2. The imperfect stranger whom I created to be perfect in my head.
then the truely perfect one....
3. The perfect one who died so that we can all be made perfect in The Father's eyes....so we can be seen faultless.
Thank you, Lord!
Currently Listening to: Paul Baloche - Offering
Currently Reading: is Perfect Strangers out on book?
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: MADE perfect 3X over! +)
2 insights Xpresed
October 12, 2004 , 02:19 PM
PumpkinSeed
my credit union savings is just the $50 to keep it open.
My checking is in overdraft loan (which can only go up to $100)
I got about $26,000 in credit card debt.
my credit cards are set to auto-pay from my checking...so in a week or 2, they're gonna dip in the well and see it's dry.
my new J.O.B. only wants me to work 3 nights a week. (I'd say about $120 a week?), but they're so confused there, I wonder if it'll be a month till my 1st pay (besides tips) They better not send any $ to the gubment for taxes - I'll be due to get it all back anyway when I file.
no-one is signing up for the memberships on my business' websites.
I don't even know what happens when my checking account is atempted to be overdrawn repeatedly.
I think I'm skipping the "retreat" I planned to go to this weekend cuz I can't write the $8x check for it.
even sadder, I'm thinking, I'm might have to miss the concert next thursday w. PAUL BALOCHE AND SARA GROVES!!!!! $ being one of 3 reasons.
---
but at the same time, their is a freaky peace
cuz I know even if this gets worse than I see it now....it's all temporary
I'm freakin involved with the best business in the world, delivering the most needed services in the contenant, with the best commission structure imaginable.
I know I can earn $$$ if I get my but into gear, and do some transcription work for becca, or fix some PC's that have been waiting about a year.
I have a blind trust my parents will keep me from goin homeless or hungry.
and I know I have an appointment tonight where I just might make $100 or more...or less.
I reciently did some sneaky balance transfer maneuvers that may lead to me getting a "free" $1000 cash advance.
and most importantly...
I'm learning to trust God.
Currently Listening to: Paul Baloche - Falling :boys:
Currently Reading: Mark 16
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: a swift kick in the pants
2 insights Xpresed
October 12, 2004 , 02:38 PM favorite
PumpkinSeed
is anyone willing to help?
perhaps that's one of the hardest things for me: asking people...friends even, for help....FRIENDS, ESPECIALLY!
how about that.
I'm scared to ask my friends to help me...cuz I dont wanna be seen as trying to take advantage of them.
perhaps the sadest thing is....me not asking for help prevents people from feeling nice for helping...and worst of all, what I'm afraid to ask you to look at, may HELP you, or those you care for and love!!! but my fears are preventing others from being helped!
geze!
sicko.
eh...
AHEM!...
Hi there! =)
There's something I'd like to show you.
You may, or may not be interested.
It'll take about 15 minutes of your time.
can U do me a favour, and check this out, and let me know what you think of it?
can U get me in touch with anyone you care about that you think may need it?
http://PrePaidLegal.com/hub/ASahagian
thanx
~LuvSeed
Currently Listening to:
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: humble
Whadduya feelin?
October 17, 2004 , 07:02 PM
PumpkinSeed
headin out to a CONCERT! YEAH!
Just got back from my first Inter-Varsity event...
Gonna see Paul Baloche!
AND SARA GROVES!!!
oh yeah - and 3 other famous singer people...Don Sumthin, and 2 other cats.
but whatever...I'm tired....everyone I called (the last minute) who I thought might be interested....wasn't interested enough, and my bro didn't wanna go cuz of one lil factor: We don't know what time the Concert is, and dont know how to find out (no one answers the phone @ the location, and Paul & Sara's websites don't say)
My arguement is I assume most concerts start 7-8:30pm, so just aim to get there ASAP
So off I go....ALONE (surprise)
did I mention...I had only $4 cash, and I dont know if they accept Credit Cards, or bad checks? Also failed to mention I forgot my cassette recorder, and that it's about a 2 hour drive, and I've had minimal sleep the past few days.
my mum voiced how she didn't want me to go alone....the dangers of the road!! eek! ..and my bro insisted I drink the energy drink before leaving home, and before leaving for home, so I might stay awake on the road.
so let's see....the driving directions say to take the parkway, and make all these turns....but lookie here...Spackenkill Rd in Poughkeepsie, NY is right off of Rt9! Why don't I just take Rt 9 from Jerze Citi all the way up? that sounds simple!
heh heh
After about 12 minutes, I bypass the traffic going to the holland tunnel, & I manage onto Rt 1&9 YAY!
VROOM! :speeddeamon:
ok- that lasted all of like 1 mile.
Rt 1&9 I discover, is not a highway....nor a speedway by any means.
after some miles, and MUCH slowness, I decide to look at my map....hmm- this could take a while.
so decide to ask a few people for some directions and opinions...so off I go to Rt4 west to get onto either 17 or the Parkway North....
realize I may not have enough $ to pay the tolls on the parkway...checking the ashtray for coins...
oops - forgot about the construction on Rt.4West. After...much stopping, I decide to hop the nearest exit...oh look - I'm back near FDU!
...got to thinking of some missed friends... sighlets see...how do I wiggle through Hacky Sack to get to Rt 17 or Parkway?
Many twists, and turns, and asking directions, and stops later...I manage onto Rt 17! PHEW!
Goin south instead of north....some turns later...i find myself doin some illigal U-turn 1 town south of hackensack so I can hop on 17N....and the phone rings.
Oh hi, mum!...what? oh - dad doesn't want his car being taken to the concert?...ok- wish I knew that sooner..
....perhaps I shoulda asked? (U can guess why I didn't)
eh - so 2 hours, and 17 minutes after pullin out, I'm about a 25 minutes away from home, doing some more illigal turns to find my way back south...towards home base.
and so I pull over in Rutherford to write this. (where I know I can get a WiFi Signal)
moral of the story? I'm glad I tried. I don't have to live life with wondering WHAT IF I had tried, and had actually got to the concert, and found a way in, and was totally blown away, and blessed, and go to meet Sara and Paul, and hang out afterward?
I'm back. I can't live my life filled with the WHAT IF's. Been a while since I went out to do sumtin that normally I tend to put up excuses why not to bother. Even while traveling, a buncha times I had to convince myslf not to turn back. I had to shut out the dream-snatchers in my head... Yeah...once again, I didn't get to my goal....but ya know, once again, I learned a lot, and next time, just maybe I'll reach my goal. I know once again, I don't have to let opportunities pass just because things aren't in my favour....
....Next time....I just may be able to give her that hug.
I love you.
Currently Listening to: Sara.G.-Cave of Adullum & Paul B.-Take My Life..
Currently Reading: Philipians 2:1-18
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: so much I gotta tell U!
Whadduya feelin?
October 21, 2004 , 04:15 AM
PumpkinSeed
Currently Listening to: Alanis Morissette - You Owe Me Nothing in Return
Currently Reading: http://www.tabulas.com/~PumpkinSeed/299918.html
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: retro
3 insights Xpresed
October 22, 2004 , 11:59 AM
PumpkinSeed
maybe it's good I don't have a girlfriend, or I'd be
right now that I just lost her!heh heh
~luvseed
Currently Listening to: Sara Groves - Conversations...after a breathmint
Currently Reading: GMail :)
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: sumthin weird in my chest
Whadduya feelin?
October 26, 2004 , 01:26 AM
PumpkinSeed
eh
blah blah blah
--
so I just spent....um- hours browsing tab, and doin other nice...but not uber important things. sposed to be working on my transcription work.
Actually there is a ton of stuff I wanna blog about lately.
blah blah blah
---
blog blog blog.
--
lotsa great things happenin in my lil life lately....and when people ask me how things are going - WHAT'S UP? ...i usually go pretty blank, and feel almost embarased that I can't tell them I've been doing (get this) a JOB!
no job? no college? no money? yer still not successfl with yer businss? then what the hell are U good for??
heh heh - yeah - crap like that runs through my head even tho I KNOW I'm like in one of the greatest moments of my life! the past months have been amazing.
It's weird tho...
how can I explaine it? I feel super successful and super loozer at the same time...
all cuz of $, and socioty - can U belive that crap?
bleh.
my inital spur to get me to start this entry was just a lil note I wanted to pass yer way.
Just a note to say...I'm done just being a spectator.
yeah.
I got stuff to be doing...more and more...and it doesn't involve much spectating....tho it does involve a lot of listening. :rossperot:
I still got plenty of anxiety for the stuff I gotta do...but I got a peace knowing I'm on the right track, and I'm not the one in controll anyway....well less and less in controll.
It's not my call anymore.
Dang, that's hard. ...but I know He's got my best interest in mind. Just...learning to trust. He's always been uber faithful with the lil trust I've given Him. Now He wants it all. dang.
sigh
...scared a bit still.
dang.I love you.
----
I can type those 3 words lately. It's not so hard anymore.
2night, I was faced with them from someone on the phone....and...I couldn't respond with those 3 words back to them.
It's still so hard to get em outta my mouth....
still got risks 2 take - plenty of em.
I wanna close my eyes when I take my risks. It makes it easier...but now...I force my eyes open....to stay BIG. To fully embrace and see that which I'm so afraid of....to...fully acknoledge it, to get over it, and perhaps most importantly, to be IN THE MOMENT - REALLY THERE, experiencing life!
DIE, ANXIETY, DIE!
anxiety...is the death of all things love.
DIE, ANXIETY, DIE!
perhaps...I need to make a display of all the anxieties I've killed already. To show to others, and myself their true nature....lies.
perhaps....Tabulas is that display case?
thanx for browsing.
~luvseed
Currently Listening to: Lisa Loeb - Snow Day
Currently Reading: http://www.lisaloeb.org/
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: safe
Whadduya feelin?
October 27, 2004 , 12:02 AM
PumpkinSeed
Currently Listening to: The Who - Tommy
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: vounerable
5 insights Xpresed
October 29, 2004 , 09:40 AM favorite
PumpkinSeed
USTA! 
Currently Listening to: Silly Songs With Larry - I Love My Lips
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: :-P
8 insights Xpresed
October 29, 2004 , 10:44 AM favorite
PumpkinSeed
dang.
......someday......
usta!
thanx 4 being there.
Currently Listening to: Bream of Me
Currently Reading: Dream Journal.pwd
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: hugged...like for REAL!!!
Whadduya feelin?
