Entries for November, 2004
November 2, 2004 , 02:53 AM
PumpkinSeed
hoot hoot!!!
well it helped to have set a personal record of 21 entries last month! (5 that made it to my "favourites"!!)
what a nice way to be doing it: sittin ...listening to Pearl Jam - Live At Benaroya Hall
feeelin...peaceful
thanx yet again to Theo and Gwetchie for introducin m to this Tab thingie. Me forever greatful. Surely has impacted my life greatly.
I guess this might techinically be the 103rd entry if U count the infamous "Lost Entry", and the 2 I never finised writing yet that are sitting in my
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reciently thinkin....how wow - I'd rather be with someone who had the same direction in life, than be with the one who loves me, and whome I love.
weird, huh?
but I imagine... well.... surely I can have both.
I trust God will sort it out.
finally.
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!!! Pearl Jam just started playing "Immortality"!! 
...excuse me as I zone out into the headphones....
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ok - I'm back.
heh heh
I'm relly happy how the _Grow_Feel_Live_Love community I started has taken off! THANX EVERYONE!!! 29 members & 109 entries in just over a month! I'm surprized, and greatful! The entries in it really are great stuff. I learn so much from everyone, and it's great to get to know ya's!
ooo! PJ's even playing "Around The Bend" this is really a unique concert! This song reminds me of when I'd write letters to a gal I liked in the late 90's...well we liked each other. Hope she's doing well. It's been a while since we've written. In fact I have a letter I began to write to her in 1998. Every few years I add to it. I think it's at like 12+ double-sided college-rulled pages now....but now I feel questionable to send it to her since ...well she's married now, and my feelings since then have...matured. What do you think I should do? Toss it? Write a new letter instead? Ask her?
I feel weird tossing the unsent letter. Eh.
I guess I'll just send a new letter 1st. Then see how things go.
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This concert is great!!!
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Yesterday, I visited Le Q General Meeting today for the 1st time since last semester! Was great to see a lotta new faces! Perhaps even greater to see a few old ones
I Miss Le Q! 
Next semester, they're planning a RoQ Qoncert on the other campus with our "sister station". I hope to get sumthin together where I can sing there. Perhaps a WFDQ Rock band or sumthin. Fernando and Dov seem down with the idea, but we aint doin nuthin about it yet. I gotta get me to write some tunes.
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eek
freakin 4:32am
so it hasn't been the most elaborate, long, short, beautiful, poetic, laser, loving, open, funny, artistic, or otherwise unique entry....but this is the 100th entry.
TADA!
oh yeah - I remember what I wanted to say for this entry!
VOTE!
freakin I have hope every election!!! Cuz I know all it takes for the under dog (a 3rd party) to win is for everyone who doesn't normally vote to really vote with their heart! THAT'S IT! THAT'S ALL IT TAKES!
If all the people who GAVE UP on democracy would give it a shot...well - then there'd be something to be poud of again with this nation's electoral process!!
Please vote.
oh - and by the way, I take back what I wrote Janurary 20th, "Right now I'm tempted to go along with the lines of the bumper sticker: "Anyone but Bush 2004!"
The democrats managed to find someone even more scarey than W Bush. That's no easy feat!
Good grief!
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"I know someday you'll have a beutiful life.
I know you will be a star
in somebody else's sky.
But why, why why,
can't it be,
can't it be in mine?"
dang that gives me chills!
dang.
luv you.
~Seed
"HEY! You don't have to hide your love away."
Of The Girl, Low Light, Thumbing My Way, Thin Air, Fatal, Nothing As It Seems, Man Of The Hour, Immortality, Off He Goes, Around The Bend, I Believe In Miracles, Sleight Of Hand, All Or None, Lukin, Parting Ways, Down, Can't Keep, Dead Man, Masters Of War, Black, Crazy Mary, 25 Minutes To Go, Daughter/(You Know My Name)/(You've Got To Hide Your Love Away), Yellow Ledbetter
Currently Listening to: Bob Dylan - Masters of War (performed by PJ)
Currently Reading: Complete Jewish Bible
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: not as relaxed as I did
Whadduya feelin?
November 2, 2004 , 03:58 PM
PumpkinSeed
I voted.
If U don't like how I voted....well U still got a few hours to undo my damage!
In other news, perhaps one of the best writers on tabulas, Oryza has left blogging to persue her callings elsewhere. She's left some archives in her "content" section. I'm really glad for that cuz I still haven't read too many of her postings.
When I woke up this afternoon, I heard some dude yellin and cussin about almost getting hit head-on. Dude sounded like he was gonna pop. I thought to pray...but I didn't. When I looked out the window, I just saw a black SUV on the corner. Then a woman started yellin for somebody to call the police....so I dialed 911.
Like a minute after leaving my report, they called me back, saying an ossifer was wanting to speak to me outside, and I hear my doorbell ringing. I put some clothes on, and headed out. I saw a few police vehicles, and like 4+ ossifers. They start questioning me, then they question my mum, and the neighbors. They wound up sticking around for hours. I imagine if this was in Jersey City, one patrol car would come by, slow down to 2MPH, then drive off after 7 seconds when he didn't see anything.
I miss JC.
Road rage sux. Pointless crap. You didn't get hit, so drive on. Geze.
I imagine stuff: Like that the dude might take out his vengance on his kids when he gets home; and the terrified woman won't be able to have sex for months from the trauma of a dude yellin and cussin in her face while she's yellin for police.
good grief.
I shared with mum how I voted. I'm gettin the talk of "unamerican", "unchristian" and "wasted votes".
I won't get started, but hey - I voted.
"A true patriot must always be willing to defend his country against its government."
~ George Washington
miss u.
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Corduroy
Currently Reading: Wrote a lot in my dream journal today.
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: idealistic
2 insights Xpresed
November 4, 2004 , 10:59 PM
PumpkinSeed
The thing I want U to read the most, I'm creating a CONTENT page for it, so click below to read it, okie?
It's a really great lil Essay I found on hundun's blog by a dude. I found a lot of it hit home from my recient experiences, and hope it can guide me for my future ones:
Partners and Marriage by Kent Nerburn
it sux how we only learn so much from what we read....it's experiences that really teach us to a point where we remember the lessons learned to guide our path....but just once in a while we can remember something we read to guide us.
now If you dont have much time, read that instead of the rest of this entry, okie?
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Aight....so here's the thing.
I'm sitting on my bed!!!!
my own freakin bed!!!!
heh heh. for those who don't know, I haven't slept on my bed since like.....March or so.
lets see if I can keep this brief:
I wuz told to move from my old bedroom on the 1st floor to the guest room on the 2nd floor so my parets could use my bedroom to extend theirs, but I kept putting it off....
One day in March or so, I decided to take all the clothes in my bedroom,
and fold them, sort them, and put them away....so I threw all the clothes on my workbench: My BED! But I got distracted, and when it was time to go to bed, I wasn't about to clear off my bed, so I just slept on the couch. Day after day, I didn't feel like bothering to deal with my clothes, so I kept sleepin on the couch!
Before I knew it, I developed a new scheduel, and all of a sudden, my life was better! I was waking up earlier, getting outta the house sooner, almost showing up on time for school, and just getting outta the house a lot! My life was good. I was out - I was livin....and I credit part of it to Pathways Advanced, and...sleepin on the couch! I no longer felt the trapped, stuck feeling I had when I slept in my bedroom...and woke in my bedroom...and just wanted to sleep more, or otherwise occupy myself in that room. So this went on for months.
Eventually I got motivated one day to work on the new bedroom upstairs. I moved all the furniature out, and cleaned the floor...and was happy to have my own bedroom again.
....but no bed!! So I began using my sleeping bag! It wasn't so bad, but my back wasn't too happy either.Eventually I got a burst of motivation again, and decided to Paint my room....so I had to clear out the sleeping bag, and lil furniature I had.
Painting took ...what was it? A month or so?
So all that time, I was back on the couch!
Of corse all along, sometimes I'd sleep @ 'Becca's house, or even @ FDU once! Last semester, I'd often sleep on campus, or sometimes in the car...sometimes just dozing off @ The Coach House.
Then I got another burst of motivation, and I finally put the tiles on my floor! =) =) NOW! I CAN SLEEP IN HERE AGAIN! =)
So what did I do? Bring back the sleeping bag, and a full-sized massage pad I bought at a flea Market. Eventually I switched to just using the massage pad, and a blankie.
Soon I realized, the massage pad wasn't the best idea ...It had these hard lumps in it (the electric massagers) that were applyng pressure in parts of me that...well weren't making me feel good.....and it started getting pretty dirty from being on the floor, so I went back to the couch often! Now I didn't always want to sleep downstairs, so sometimes I'd sleep in the back , sitting on the chair, with my head on the desk...someteims with a pillow and even a blankie. Other nights, I'd fall asleep in my bedroom on the Nylon Lawn Chair in crazy positions.
All along, I've had much luv, and support from Pavla
and my Leadership buddies to get this job done. oh yeah - my brother, and parents too!So for a few weeks, my parents have really been on my case to get the bed upstairs....but I kept puttin it off...more. Then this past week, even my friend, Nyssa
was on my case. She gave me a concept I never thought of! She said to just toss all the clothes off the bed so I could sleep on it in the old bedroom! 
why the heck didn't I think of that? I guess I just never wanted to ever sleep in that room again!Well finally that night, my brother helped me by clearing off the bed by tossing all the clothes into a plastic bin. The next day, dad took the mattress and box-sptring outside to air out.
My mum sprayed vinegar and vacumed the mattress, so later I took them in & vacumed the box-spring (using headphones so my ears wouldn't ring again). So I decide to carry up the box-spring....and I can't get it around the turn at the top of the steps, so I leave it on the stairs! So another night I stay @ Becca's house. I come home round 6am to see that pop got the box-spring in my room!!
So I bring up the mattress and toss it on top!WOOHOO!!
I step back....and I look.....
and I notice what I'm feeling
"I feel freedom."
freedom??? huh? Why do I feel a sence of freedom from looking at a bed and box-spring?
freedom...to live in my room? to not be lost?
security?
hmm...
And what's the first thing I do when I'm on my bed again? I lay on it face down, and start drumming on it with my hands, like I've always done. It's been so long!
well - I slept on my bed Election Night!
So yesterday, inspired by Kaith, I blast, and
along with Silverchair's "Freak Show" album, and realized I musta only listened to it once, cuz many of the songs seemed new to me....not a bad song on the album! Thanx, Kaith!!! So after feelin the music, I get another burst of energy and motivation, I get some scented candles burning in my room, and across the attic, and I setup my bed-frame, 2 nice speakers, and my old Tube amp
up in my bedroom, plug-in a cd-player, and again, BLAST FREAK SHOW!!! +) USTA!So now I'm set. I got a bed, a sceneted candle, and music I can FEEL!!!!!
The high life!
now if only I can get myself outta my bedroom.......
Currently Listening to: Silverchair - Learn to Hate
Currently Reading: I almost read a book today!
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: Freedom!!!
Whadduya feelin?
November 5, 2004 , 12:38 AM
PumpkinSeed
You Are a Pundit Blogger! |
 Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read. Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few. |
Currently Listening to: Whitney Houston - The Greatest Love Of All
Currently Reading: umm - oh yeah
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: guilty for not working
Whadduya feelin?
November 8, 2004 , 12:57 AM
PumpkinSeed
asdfb'lsd
a
gnsvasd
a
avma
SNARF!
eh - time for bed!
========
freakin thinkin too much again
blash blahslbafoiba
abslbls
ned to cleanse
my day of rest - should be a day of rest of thinking, eh?
-_-
USTA!@
PUYA!
too much analitical crap.
blkawonb us pfsecvs
scnle
E
ejp j
I dont need to have a perfect enmtry every time
i can make mistakes
I am free of your judgements
b;ah!
but I still love you.
and dang, I miss ya.
nite nite
slhehwec
a
awei ff "Seed"
seedling
I'm growing now , ya know.
I'm a freakin seedling.
papooch!
sick of christians being moralistic judges
sick of the condemnation from men.
but fear not.
the times, tehy are-a-changin
the time has come for His work to flourish again. HE's been waiting.
HE freakin loves you.
HE has a plan for you.
HE wants your joy.
HE wants your peace.
HE wants to take care of you.
HE wants you.
Currently Listening to: Mark Schultz - I Have Been There
Currently Reading: TAB FRIENDS
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: that I'm a puyatero
7 insights Xpresed
November 9, 2004 , 12:48 AM
PumpkinSeed
I taste like Bread.
I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends. I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?
Currently Listening to:
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: that I miss U
Whadduya feelin?
November 9, 2004 , 01:03 AM
PumpkinSeed
The "Butterfly"
Who exactly ARE you? (AnImE PiCs)
brought to you by Quizilla
Currently Listening to: Mark Schultz - I Have Been There
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling:
Whadduya feelin?
November 9, 2004 , 11:25 AM
PumpkinSeed
Behind the shadows I lie again...with you. I am wounded with the shrapnel from your self-inflicted wounds. I almost put back up my shell. But still I stick by.
Vounerable.
Healing...Growing stonger than ever.
Waiting. Praying. Missing. Living.
Currently Listening to: Gloria Estefan - Coming Out of the Dark
Currently Reading: Dream Journal.pwd
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: time to get-a-move-on
Whadduya feelin?
November 10, 2004 , 02:17 AM
PumpkinSeed
dang what is it?
just thinking of what was missed....
not so much that "I missed out"....but..... i guess just standing on the outside.....knowing I was on the inside, and didn't sieze it.
perhaps I'm being too short sighted - like it's "the end".....but it doesn't have to be, right?
good grief - I BLOW things up in my head.
.....just wanting to be with someone.....not because I'm lonely....but that it just seems that's the way it's supposed to be, right?
everything in me for so long said so. And I've seen it probably hundreds of times....in my head. There's a reason for that, right?
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I grieve
I grieve...to not be in her life.
I can't explaine it
dont have to
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I mourn because....of the lack of connection
the missed fun
the missed growth
I mourn as if it were the end.
how foolish.
but it feels that way.
I know better
but for now...i need a few tears.
I'm here to be your friend....but I just dont know how to do it, so forgive me if I screw up.
I respect you, I do.
:')
Currently Listening to: Sludge Nation - Forgiven (on repeat)
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: better.............loving
1 insights Xpresed
November 10, 2004 , 03:01 AM
PumpkinSeed
:')
it's so nice to be able to blog from bed. heh heh
ahh - good day to ya'll!
perhaps someday I'll let someone see me cry, but for now Tabulas is the closest I've come.
perhaps someday I'll be able to let someone comfort me too! how about that concept!
interesting the stuff we can keep inside of ourselves....not knowing it's even there till we let it out.
I guess I'll be bloging more since I have a bed?
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I'm doing good. Thanx for asking. Perhaps later I'll fully mourn ovre Flashy's passing.
clear out the grief so I can get back on with living my life....being in the moment.....taking action again.
Dang - already 4:52am! I seriously gotta start waking up before 10am again. That was good when I was doing that in August & September. Got a good start to my days.
oh - by the way - remember that place I was a waiter at? well - that one day I Worked there...that was the only day. Scheduel conflicts, bad management, and my lack of discipline kept me from workingin again. Now it looks like the joint is outta business. I gotta get workin @ a place that I can work like 10am-6pm, weekdays. That should get me set on track in life, eh??
I've been doing more transcription work lately, but not being "on the clock" means I still screw arround too much.
=)
my life is good. see you in it later!
nite nite!
Currently Listening to: Sludge Nation - Forgiven(till the batteries die)
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: better...again ;p
Whadduya feelin?
November 12, 2004 , 06:30 PM
PumpkinSeed
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A Passive Independent
You are an independent thinker but you don't feel the need to fight everyone on it. You shake your head and quietly snicker when you hear all the propaganda, and you grumble to yourself when you hear the gossip. But hey, what are you gonna do?
Take the quiz: "Are you an independent thinker?"
(4 possible results)
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True Christian
You are humble, gracious, kind and extremely Christ-like. You believe in the bible as your law, but read it in its original language. Perhaps you're not a scholar, but you're not an armature either. You normally don't feel church is acceptable for your form of worship, and if anyone believes different from you, you might try to learn something from them.
Take the quiz: "WHAT RELIGION BESTS SUITS YOU?"
(14 possible results)
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yeah! you're a REAL kurt cobain fan!
YEAH dude! you rock! it's always great to meet another fan :D
IM me sometimes.
Take the quiz: "how good do you knowkurt cobain?
(hard questions)" (5 possible results)
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a sample of the crap I spend hours with when I'm not being obsessive with other crap....and I got my computer finally working again
atually these were like the 2 best surveys of like 15 I've just taken
bleh
USTA!
Currently Listening to: Evanescence - My Immortal
Currently Reading: Mark Ryden
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: USTA!!!!
Whadduya feelin?
November 15, 2004 , 12:39 AM
PumpkinSeed
the 2 word sentence, that when genuinely said,
lets you know the 3 words are real, whether spoken or not:
"I love you."
Currently Listening to: Hawaiian - Keahiwai - Falling.mp3
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: it's time to play piano!!
2 insights Xpresed
November 18, 2004 , 12:19 PM
PumpkinSeed
Thanx: Normi,
(((((Linda))))), luvjen, 
Holy Spirit,
Ed Wills,
Danielle,
AnnDotCom, Sara Groves, Paul Baloche,
Shanae, Donner,
Maggz,......and Sara "McGready",
wherever you are.Currently Listening to: Rebecca St. James - Pray - 05 - I'll Carry You
Currently Reading: Proverbs 6
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: greatful & trusting
1 insights Xpresed
November 20, 2004 , 10:36 PM
PumpkinSeed
You never looked more lovely than you do tonight
Pale on the horizon
Like leaves frozen in the snow
Two shadows merging seperately
Time stands still
Its pierced with cold
...
Theres warmth in my heart
It haunts me when you're gone
Mend me to your side
And never let me go
Time knows nothing
And it'll never grow cold
...
The Moonlight hears
The Moonlight knows
Its simple
Its true
And I love you
excerpted from:
Jewel's "Winter Song" (October '97 Version)
from the Album, "Spirit"
Currently Listening to: Indigo Girls - Ghost
Currently Reading: :heart:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: sigh
9 insights Xpresed
November 23, 2004 , 02:21 AM
PumpkinSeed
I was always afraid of that happening
that my blog would have too much going on visually or audiby....that the entries themselves would be overshadowed...distracted from.
even when read...the background..does it distract from the entry? add a mood to it not intended?
I'm thinking of ridding it.
and the music...I think from now on when I add music, I'll make it so it only starts upon pressing PLAY.
each entry is unique to itself.
they should create it's own mood and atmosphere.
am I being anal?
am I the only one who can't read my own entries, and feel the same?
hmm
yeah - I think the background and muzic gotta go.
feedback please.
Currently Listening to: can't you hear it?
Currently Reading: I Kissed Dating Goodbye
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: time to get to work
1 insights Xpresed
November 23, 2004 , 02:37 AM
PumpkinSeed
"music is life" was the old saying I used to quote
I feel like I just sapped life outta my blog.
Perhaps it wasn't that there was music....but THAT song - i like it a lot....but not repeatedly....
maybe it's the beat/rythm i just feel it goes against the tone of the blog in general....
hmm
Rebecca St James is too happeh or up-beat for me to keep around for an extended period of time???
hmmm.... perhapz.
I think the background will stay. or A background.
perhaps the darker version of this one?
hmm...
argh 4:35am
time to get back to work. sux how my lil break always lasts for hours
Currently Listening to: ___silence___
Currently Reading: yer tabz
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: my usta are crooked!!!
5 insights Xpresed
November 28, 2004 , 07:43 PM
PumpkinSeed
why do they call the tiny snickers "fun size"
isn't that the least fun of all?
I'd call the king Size FUN size.
hmmm.
ok - glad that's off my chest.
I love my snickerz 
Currently Listening to: Sade - No Ordinary Love
Currently Reading: inbox
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: hopeful...almost trusting
2 insights Xpresed
November 30, 2004 , 04:33 PM
PumpkinSeed
and I feel so tense
and it's from within.
and my fists clench
and my mouth is shut
and no one is looking
feel like I'm only breating out, never in.
and I find my hands repeatedly touching my chest
my heart.
and my mind races....
I am loved.
I take no pleasure of the chocolate in my mouth.
I wish for snickers.
I wish for you.
dang.
I feel so tense.
thank you.
I love you.
Currently Listening to: Van Halen - Can't Stop Loving You
Currently Reading: seed
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: in tense
2 insights Xpresed
