PumpkinSeed.tk ~ Where usta abounds

Seed's currently feeling

Like a love without devotion, like a cloud without the rain; Like a heart without emotion, like a wound without the pain. Like a prayer without an answer, like a bird without a song; Like a hope without a future, like a night without the dawn. Without You, I am nothing; I am nothing without You; Only You can make something out of nothing; I am nothing without You. ~PAUL & RITA BALOCHE

June 8, 2005 , 10:17 AM Introspections

PumpkinSeed

just as I am I noticed a few months ago, the way I live my life, I'm ALWAYS waiting for other people to GIVE ME PERMISSION or ASK things of me before I'll do the things I've been wanting to do for years.

For example, @ chuch, and even @ Youph Group, I'm like very silent during bible studies, devotions, and sunday school, then one day I was reluctantly asked to teach sunday school (no one else was available) and I gladly took it on, knowing I'd do well, tho I've never done anything like it in my life before. I put some hours into studying and did a GREAT job teaching/sharing/using my friggin USTA nearly non-stop for a half hour, and I was under the impression that people were shocked cuz the never heard me talk before beyond chit-chat.

It's like I need to be called upon, or asked questions before I'll talk or share me. The only way someone will hear me sing, comment, teach, or otherwise use my usta, is if they convincingly ask me to.....while all along, I know inside I have a TON to say, sing, and otherwise share.

So MAYBE I'm not afraid of being seen & heard....maybe....I'm just afraid of defying other's expectations of me.

I began writing this entry cuz I was journaling in my Intuition Journal this afternoon, and here's what I found myself writing:

I ....I just wanta gurl to give me permission to be me

want a gurl to say:

go ahead - make those PPL calls
do that karaoke
do yer dance
Love me
work with those kids
be yerself
pray for me
I need you to be "here"
I love you
go out & kill em
bring glory to God
we need $! now! I know U can do it, and will do it!
I need you.
it's okay to touch me
I want you to hold me.
don't care what other people think of you.
no matter what you say or do, I still love and accept all of you.
rock my world
live big
wake up!
I like your art.
Your music if friggin beautiful.
move FWD - I'm following yer lead.
I'm really heare for you - let me know yer crap, and I'll help where I can and hug where I can't

hmm.

I need to say these things to me!

all which are just signs of acceptance

I'm looking for Pre-Acceptance from someone I care about....someone whom I desire to be accepted by. And once they give that to me, I don't give 2 poops about what anyone else thinks, and I go out and do my thing.

Why can't I give this to myself? Why do I put up the excuse that I need someone else to accept me....

it's because I don't accept me.

hmm.....silly seed

When will I fully believe it's okay for me to be me and "do the drew"?

I don't need a gurl.

I need me to love me just as I am.

just like HE does.

Currently Listening to: takin a break from the Staind
Currently Reading: theo & gwetchie's tabbys
Currently Watching: Bonnie McKee - Somebody (music vid)
Currently Feeling: good morning! :-D
Whadduya feelin?