October 30, 2005 , 01:32 PM Introspections

PumpkinSeed

and so life goes on

people pass

so I guess life doesn't go on for everyone.


loving my life, tho discontent with it....nonetheless loving it, and happy

happy with my past and my future.

rarely content with the present.......tho often close to content.


Why does it seem I only celebrate one birthday per person per year?

Each year, it's a different person......never to be celebrated again?


Have I ever celebrated my own birthday? Perhaps next year.


I'm in a weird slow-motion ranting mode or sumthin.

I miss typing.

I miss tabbing.

I miss the outpouring.


On the way home from church today, I got to thinking aobut the child molesting priests. I'm sure that's not why they chose that career. "oh - if I get this job, I'll get to be alone with lil boys! :D Oh joy!" No - certainly not.................right? Weren't these once young men with a passion to live out a life for God? Willing to sacrifice their desire for a wife and kids to do His work?

right?

I thot of them, because I thot of myself........Getting into my (dad's) car, there were some teen gurls standing by. I began to wonder why I'm afraid to greet them...and why I feel a need to connect with/befriend them?

It's not new. I feel that all the time, wanting to befriend females. I imagine my Bachelor Party with me, and 1 or 2 other dudes. I got some dude (male) friends, but usually I prefer connecting with the females.

So it came to me, that this all might be because there's a (natural/normal) need in me to have a close female connection, but because I don't have, and NEVER have had a GF or Wife, I seek out female friendships/connections so much. Perhaps that's my attempt of getting balanced. And PERHAPS when I do have "HER" in my life.....I'll begin to connect with dudes more, and actually want to be with dudes?!

Perhaps.


OR...........perhaps I'm just never gonna appreciate most dudes, cuz BLEH, yer so obnoxious and rude and perv, and competitive, and macho....................and everything I'm not, nor appreciate.


........No - that's not it. I know and am friends with dudes who don't fit those stereotypes, and YES, I enjoy their friendships much!

Yeah - I'm just off balance w/o "HER". Wonder when I'll finally be ready for "her"? I imagine I'm close. I imagine less than a year.

I imagine it's not my imagination


.......So if I'm off balance @ 24 y/o without my gurl.......how much more off balance can a dude get after years and years committed to be celebate and not even to date or anything. Good grief, that's not God's plan! And.......I'm sure Priests sneak with women.......perhaps even some that aren't nuns! But there they are, battling their nature, outside of God's plan for them........screwed up, with no way out........with youngins in their reach......youngins naieve enough that there's a good chance they won't tell.

hmm.

sad






rant rant rant


and so I got myself in positions of leadership and where I'm seen to be heard.

I'm full of years of Leadership Trainings and Personal Development books, audios, and Seminars, a lifetime of sermons, 4 years of "higher education", and 1 year of introspection and feeling.

in 2001 or so, I felt like I was an Overcharged battery waiting to be set free

yet...........in these leadership positions, I revert to ASSISTING, keeping myeslf DEPENDANT on those more assertive than myself to direct me.

I wasn't happy with that.........but I think I may be realizing...I'm just not where I'm made to shine.

I'm okay.........just finding my nitch.

I will continue to charge my battery.....as I continue to search for my release.


release


Yes - release, I will!

Thanx for the support!


..................or maybe I am shining already.

Who said you have to be assertive to shine?

Maybe U just need ballz?

Currently Listening to: Rich Mullins - Sometimes By Step
Currently Reading: John 3
Currently Watching: my ballz
Currently Feeling: on hold
5 insights Xpresed

PumpkinSeed
*.* PumpkinSeed.tk *.*
Coming out of the Dark!
(FORMERLY: "Inside the Shell")

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