Entries for August, 2004
July 31, 2004 , 06:44 PM
PumpkinSeed
9:59am
I feel like a bum - a happy bum
YAWN!!well maybe just a hobo
I'm just waking up, finishing my dream journal entry....sitting in my (dad's) car...still @ FDU
had to crack open the windows like an hour ago or I'd be like a dog in heat
I dozed off for a whle on the bench - sitting in a position so it would look like I was reading instead of sleeping... so I'd avoid any trouble.
Decided to head to the car where it's more comfy - and less bugs
It's so good not to be home.
I feel so much better
clearer
more - um - responsible?
yeah - alone...but I get more done, and I call more people so that's good
when I'm outta the house I can read - I can make calls, and hand things out, and ....sleep
and eat better
enjoy nature
I feel more at peace
...this Netbook Pro is amazing - I still have 32% battery life!!
I'm so glad I didn't get a laptop with like 2 hours battery life.
---------
I felt I was living near my peak back in May
where every day I forced myself to get out of the house by 12:30pm - even if I had nothing to do in particular outside - just get out! get out of the freakin house!
man that was great!
of corse nothing got done in the house
I wasn't helping my family, or doing chores....or painiting my room
BUT I got so much other stuff done, and established and strengthened other friendships....ran up my cell phone minutes =)
hung out
takled
drove
journaled
did homework!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
read chapters of books
read a lil of the Bible
Ate out @ The Coach house & taco Bell
Ate lotsa pizza and Calzones @ Jeepers
hung out with WFDQ crew.
sleeping wherever....whenever
dodging Public Safety Ossifers
then school got out, and WHAM, I let myself get trapped home again
There should be a balance.
it's good to be out again.
...........
I wonder what it will be like when I have a girlfriend.
sometimes I think my lifestlye, wouldn't allow for one......well
I guess something would have to change. Some sacrifice.
besides $.
would it really be a sacrifice? perhaps just an exchange...just doing something...............different.
well - thre's one way to find out!
yeah - I'm sorta afraid to try it. Also afraid of gettin married a little bit....
I know it can be super awesome....but...i look at those who are in that binding relationship, and who don't stay humble, loving, respectful, accepting, and feeling of each other, AND THEMSELVES.... and I see the crap they put each other and themselves through....and I dont ever want any part of something like that.
I also know it doesn't have to be that way.
I have to trust myelf....that I'll never be that way, and that I'll hold strong untill I find a woman who is the same in those regards.
with Christ in the center of corse.
I guess I need to trust Him, and quit my worrying....excuses, and give it a shot.
He's got my back.
Currently Listening to: REM-2001-05-18-MTV Unplugged 2-05-Daysleeper.mp3
Currently Reading: This book of dreams belongs to...
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: dreamy
2 insights Xpresed
August 4, 2004 , 02:53 PM favorite
PumpkinSeed
I feel awakened.
I'm super greatful that I wrote all that. I learned so much reading back over it. Things I'd forgotten...feelings....fears...etc.
heh heh
I see all these repressed and hidden feelings....and I'm less afraid of them now.
For those who haven't figured it out by now, I've been afraid to express love....among other things. I've been keping back from telling 2 gurls in particular what I think & feel for them. Basically, I like one, but don't know her, and I love the other, but don't think we're compatable.
Good Lord, what a waste of time, and energy, and anxiety, etc etc etc!
just putting it togther, I began to write in my Intuition Journal, but think it's better I share it with you:
I don't trust ______. - To be able to accept my love, and handle it in a way that doesn't hurt her, or our frienship
I don't trust me. - to say the "right thing" to make everyone know the truth, and still feel good.
I don't trust ______. - To like me back. - I might loose her..or loose the chance to have her as a friend.
I don't trust God. - that He is watching over me, and protecting me, and gonna provide the BEST for me.
I don't trust my intuition. - That there's a good reason I like and love these gals.
I gotta stop judging you - imagining how you'll react.
Imagining there is a right and wrong way to react, and I'm afriad you'll react wrong
When I know better.
The way you react...determines the truth of the matter....and we find out what was ment to be instead of wondering.
I now let you be free to know. I let you be free to react, and express and let me know you.
There's a phrase I leaned when I went to "HOTLANTA":
"You cant say the right thing to the wrong person
and you can't say the wrong thing to the right person"
I get it now. I gotta let people be who they are - I gotta stop pre-judging, and assuming, and not let them make their own decisions.
I've been too attached to the outcome, instead of being attached to the possiblilities!
(my friend, Mike taught me that one in May)
I love you.
I like you.
Sorry for hiding.
I acept you for however you react - it's not wrong or right. It's the way it was ment to be. =)
Currently Listening to: Nirvana - All Apologies
Currently Reading: Prayer List.pwd
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: open
Whadduya feelin?
August 4, 2004 , 11:56 PM
PumpkinSeed
I haven't seen so many spines since playing as SubZero!
I'm now eating a stir-fry I just kooked up. I started by pouring in 16 frozen "Cleaned Smelt".
No where on the bag did it mention that the fish aren't filets. I guess I just assume when the instructions are to just bread em & fry em, or nuke em, or bake em, that they are safe to chomp into.
Perhaps they're considered edible spines?
Maybe SubZero would like to eat straight fried "Cleaned Smelt"?
Anyways, in spite of the spines, they taste pretty good
It's good to eat again.
Currently Listening to: forward - down - forward - High Punch
Currently Reading: Mortal Kombat Strategy Guide
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: picky & ungreatful
1 insights Xpresed
August 5, 2004 , 01:31 AM
PumpkinSeed
Are you female or male:: Better Man
Describe yourself:: Nothing As It Seems
How do some people feel about you:: Deep
How do you feel about yourself:: Alone
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:: Wishlist
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend::
Describe where you want to be:: Porch
Describe what you want to be:: Immortality
Describe how you live:: Present Tense
Describe how you love:: Soldier of Love
Share a few words of wisdom:: Release
What comes to mind when you hear.. (I did this part with Pearl Jam titles too!)
..snow?: Can't Keep
..rain?: Wash
..tornado?: Go
..summer love?: Smile
..dizzy?: Spin the Black Circle
..white?: Black
..orange juice?: Lukin
..candid camera?: Pry To
..brother?: Brother
..hate?: Habit
..school?: Leash
..President?: Bushleaguer
..football?: Rival
..sex?: Deep
..death?: Off He Goes
..baby?: Let Me Sleep
..duuude?: Gremmie Out of Controll
..the end?: Parting Ways
<<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>>
Crap! I just wasted a lot more time, and did it again, this time with +LIVE+ Songs!
Are you female or male:: Raising A Man
Describe yourself:: The Sanctity Of Dreams
How do some people feel about you:: Freaks
How do you feel about yourself:: Good Pain
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:: Turn My Head
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:: People Like You
Describe where you want to be:: Where Fishes Go
Describe what you want to be:: Heropsychodreamer
Describe how you live:: Stage
Describe how you love:: They Stood Up For Love
Share a few words of wisdom:: What Are We Fighting For?
What comes to mind when you hear..
..snow?: Ghost
..rain?: Run To The Water
..tornado?: Voodoo Lady
..summer love?: All Over You
..dizzy?: Top
..white?: White, Discussion
..orange juice?: Lakini's Juice
..candid camera?: Merica
..brother?: The Beauty of Gray
..hate?: Mother Earth is a Vicious Crowd
..school?: I Alone
..President?: Call Me a Fool
..football?: The Distance
..sex?: Deep Enough
..death?: Heaven
..baby?: Face And Ghost (The Children's Song)
..duuude?: Brothers Unaware
..the end?: 10,000 Years (Peace Is Now)
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Of The Girl
Currently Reading: http://www.tabulas.com/~cutawaysmile/384852.html
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: overdue
4 insights Xpresed
August 14, 2004 , 12:00 PM
PumpkinSeed
I gotta get me a Grand Piano.
It's so different - I've played pianos nearly all my life - and was quite happy with any of them - especially our nice Yamaha Clavanova Electronic Piano.
But a Grand?
geze! It doesn't just sound differnt. It plays so differnt
or I play it so different.
so creamy
so natual feeling.
cool.
just played a couple of goodies:
Pearl Jam - Wishlist
Pearl Jam - Present Tense
Paul Baloche - Offering
Geoff Bullock - Power Of Your Love
and some others.
and lots of ....do U call it Jamming?? I gues you can Jam on the piano.
Freestlye?
well lotsa MY music =)
All this was done @ my church right after my friend's wedding while waiting for my mum & granny to cleanup.
My Friend, Tanya Just got married to Derek (hope I spelled that right) It was so cool being there, and being a part of it (helped out with the audio)
beautiful stuff.
For me, I'm super glad I was there - really brought a sence of closure, & freedom to me.... it was a little difficult and weird feeling for me, but by the end I was filled with joy. Thing is - Tanya is the gal I failed to mention in my 2nd tabulas entry, Journals - the gal I had the biggest crush on back in 97\/98.
I feel like it's a big step for me to be a true friend.
The service was very inspirational/\motivational for me. In some ways it woke me up. Made me one more step into fearless. Living with no regrets.
I know I'm being vague here, but I gotta keep it short - gotta do stuff.
just thought I'd share.
Super joy! (:
~LuvSeed
Currently Listening to: Paul Baloche - Offering
Currently Reading: The Gospel According to Peanuts
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: Supah!
5 insights Xpresed
August 16, 2004 , 02:16 PM
PumpkinSeed
Readings from Tanya & Derek's Wedding.
Currently Listening to: Vessel of Honor (Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir)
Currently Reading: 1 Corinthians 13
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: charity
1 insights Xpresed
August 18, 2004 , 12:11 PM
PumpkinSeed
can't believe I went 23 years thinking corn had to be cooked to be edible!
mmm!
b.t.w. Theo made it back alive! yay!
..don't know why she'd come back to NJ tho???
Currently Listening to: Bette Midler - From a Distance
Currently Reading: The Complete Life's Little Instruction Book
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: ignorant
2 insights Xpresed
August 18, 2004 , 08:56 PM
PumpkinSeed
heh heh
aww man - dang recruiters after me again!
This time Marines.
I'm sittin in Milcreek Mall tryin to build up the courage to make a phone call, and this dude comes up to me, and starts asking me all kindsa questions -
in business we call it "qualifying questions"
heh heh
I guess I qualified!
he started using the things I mentioned (my WHYpurpose) to plug it into how that could be achieved throught the marines.
eh - sorry - I like the disipline and personal development, & $, but the Marines aint my vehicle. I'll stick with PPL & Pathways for now.
---------
I'm @ Milcreak cuz I was drivin home on Rt 3 round 10am, and didn't feel like being parked on a highway anymore, so I pulled into the mall to park there - seems like less of a waste of time, and gas.
-----
So I was chillin @ WaldenBooks, and asked to see KurDt Cobain's Journals.
interesting stuff - quite a bit different than what I've seen on tabulas.
In the past I had debated wether I should ever look @ it.
spent maybe a half hour in the book. From what I readsaw, I didn't relate to him as much as I expected to. I would like to read more - get to know himunderstand him....feel. I'm sure I'd learn a LOT. (Just like I do when I read YOUR journal!)
I have dreams of performing and stuff - Pearl Jam's a huge role model for me, and they've taught me a lot. I imagine I could learn a lot more from Kurdt.
I got a lot from Paul Baloche when he came to NJ to host a Worship Leader workshop - that was super inspirational for me.
...What am I gonna do with it all?? Wait and see!
hmm
yeah.
hmm....
.............
I've been singing more. Still in private, but at least I'm doin it.
I've been playing the piano more.
about a year ago, I bought the 20' cables to jack the piano into the SoundBlaster Audigy Drive (which plugs into my P.C.).
Finally plugged em in like 2 weeks ago.
recorded some. some of me playin.
It's a start
like a week before that I recorded some singin when no-one wuz home.
nuthin great - but I gotta start somewhere - get it on!!!
If I record enough takes, eventually some will be get chosen to be shared with ya's
perhaps even mix some piano playin w. singin.
blah.
=)
-------
YAWN12:11pm - normally I'd be sleepin now - I got up early to go to a "B.N.I." event.
good stuff! Got to represent PPL's Identity Theft Shield to a buncha other business owners. The idea behind B.N.I. is to have small business owners network together to support each other's businesses. I highly recomend it to anyone serious in a referral-based business. I plan to do it more in the future.
blah blah blah.
YAWNok- I got stuff to do that I'm avoiding - I'll talk with ya lata!!
YAWN
)))shakes head(((
~LuvSeed
YAWNYAWN
Currently Listening to: crappy BeeGees or sumthin on the mall speakers
Currently Reading: KurDt Cobain - Journals
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: important
Whadduya feelin?
August 18, 2004 , 09:00 PM
PumpkinSeed
12:32pm
wow - talk about "holding on for dear life"!
I just saw a couple walking by - holding hands....
with a tube going between them...
the dude was carrying a small oxygen tank with a shoulder strap.
hmm...
seems romantic or loving or sumthin.
for better or worse...
Currently Listening to: Amy Grant - House of love (On the mall speakers
Currently Reading: crappy Batman Adventures comic w. Harley & Joker
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: humbled & distracted
Whadduya feelin?
August 18, 2004 , 09:57 PM
PumpkinSeed
11:08pm
eek- 11pm - I gotta get some stuff done ASAP - headin out to Canada in like ...
well I didn't even pick my departure time yet - I'll be bussing again. I found my lost tickets from the bus trips I didn't take the first time I traveled in June.
I'm gonna have a lil adventure going to & through NYC for the first time by myself just using public transportation & feet.
I got a gerat lil book to help me - it's called "Not For Tourists guide to Manhattan (2001 edition).
I hope the PATH & SUBWAY information is still acurate enough since the book was made pre-9/11!
speakin of great lil books, i bought one yesterday called "The Complete LIFE'S LITTLE INSTRUCTION BOOK". No, it's not a bible. It's a collection of 1,560 little instructions from a dad to his son.
I'll share a few: (like I have the time to be doing this - good grief!)
1465 Never fry bacon while naked.
1473 Ask yourself if what you're doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.
734 Learn to Juggle.
295 Remember that a successful marraige depends on two things:
(1) finding the right person and
(2) being the right person.
248 Tape record your parents' memories of how they met and their first years of marraige.
234 Be cautious about lending money to friends. You might loose both.
246 Wave at children on school busses.
83 In business and in family relationshps, remember that the most important thing is trust.
11 Sing in the shower.
2 Have a dog. +)
456 Send your loved one flowers. Think of a reason later.
481 Watch for big problems. They disguise big opportunities.
476 Don't expect others to listen to your advice and ignore your example.
914 Learn the rules.
Then break some.
1291 Don't write down anything you don't want someone else to read.
LOL ha! - well I sure messed up that last one when I started Tabulas!
ok - so if U wanna get more info on this and other of the dude's books, check out www.InstructionBook.com
I got mine @ WaldenBooks for about $6. After spending a minute in it, I realized it's the one book even someone with the worst case of A.D.D. could read, and benefit from! I plan just to keep the book lying arround. So instead of getting caught in a magazine, or reading "the funnies" when I'm feeling distracted, I might get to read some nice impactful things till I decide to get back to whatever I was being distracted from.
Isn't that amazing - I'm a person who has sooooooooooo much difficulty reading (most) books for longer than a few minutes without loosing focus, but I have no trouble spending HOURS in magazines, reading comic strips, comic books, and of course, journals!
I did manage to read MORE THAN an entire chapter of a book the other day - The Gospel According To Peanuts. Quite interesting! Mr Shultz was amazing! I may share more about that book another time....or go read it yerself - geze!
......that sux I just went to post the 2 entries I typed yesterday, and Tabulas isn't available! EEK! PEOPLE, WE GOT TO DONATE!!!!
seems the tabby server's been acting up the past month. I haven't read up on it, but I'm sure it's nothing some extra $ couldn't fix!! I'll get a paid account someday!
...WOW! there's "about 55,200" google search results within Tabulas.com. 76 of them with "PumpkinSeed"! Google's amazing! Even shows all the comments I left on YOUR tab!
so how does that make you feel, fellow blogger, that your every word is searchable and cached with google? Someone may find me out after all!
wonder if the tagboards are cached and searchable?
Anyways, tabulas is back online....posting my entries.......
12:42am
yeah - I REALLY betta start gettin ready to leave to Canada. I'm sooooo lookin forward to leaving this time!!!
Yes, even in spite of the fact I didn't finish my homework yet... I'm gettin to meet my friend for the first time!!! That's soo cool! Can't wait to meet ya!!ok ok - I'm out this time.
~LuvSeed!
Stranger
A stranger in a strange land
He look at me like I
Was the one who should run
I watched as he watched us
Get back on the bus
I watched the way it was
The way it was when he was with us
And I really don't mind
Sleeping on the floor
But I couldn't sleep after what I saw
I wrote this letter to tell you
The way I feel
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
To see what I could see
To hear
And I wish you were here
Currently Listening to: U2 - October - 09 - Stranger in a Strange Land
Currently Reading: me? read a book???
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: in the right direction
Whadduya feelin?
August 21, 2004 , 08:56 PM
PumpkinSeed
8:14pm
I seriously need to get me a camera
well - I got one... I just want a small digital one now
Kinda hard to lug arround my Nikon FX35 SLR while traveling....and I gotta scan the pix to show you anyway, so I might as well go all digtal.Don't think I ever saw a cloud like that before - kinda large - very thick, especially @ the bottom - perhaps 3 miles away...what's that - 5 Kilometers?
the cloud seemed to go vertical more than horizontal. Like a cloud reaching down to earth, but can't quite touch.
To top it off , there was a super sunset goin on...and I had trouble deciphering the sky as sky.
Looking out in the distance under the clouds looked like ocean...but then after a while, I realized it was the sky - weird. I looked more...no - it's water...no..sky!
hmm
perty.
----
Earlier @ Port Authority, I saw someone...and I felt grieved inside.
The dude I trusted - the "young cat" I spotted the $10 to (See SESSION II)I assume I was lied to. I didn't inquire.
I dont regret spotting the $10. I just wish he didn't have to lie to me to get it.
sigh
Currently Listening to: Beatles - Love Me Do
Currently Reading: "An Adventure"
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: north
Whadduya feelin?
August 21, 2004 , 09:04 PM
PumpkinSeed
I don't know what else to say.
wow
what a day!
gotta get to bed
I'd shower now if I didn't think it might wake up my hosts.
I just had a most amazing day - and I wanna share it with ya
just believe me when I say
+)
Praise God!
I thank God for Pathways, and all the people I've experienced it with.
I can't wait till U get yer turn, in one way or another
sigh.
+)
heh heh
you have no clue! no clue at all!
heh heh
GOOD grief!
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Alive (New Take)
Currently Reading: PumpkinSeed's List-o-responsibilities
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: wired
2 insights Xpresed
August 23, 2004 , 12:51 AM favorite
PumpkinSeed
trust.
hearts.
perceptions.
truth.
assumtions.
fears.
unworthyness.
strength.
tears.
faith.
hope.
love.
charity?
LIVING.
breathless.
close.
hidden.
But your true intuition knows.
It's a gift for all who dare to look into their heart.
And it's the greatest gift to the few who follow it.
Loving it. Trusting it. Living it.
LIVING.
I'M NOT SLEEPING ANYMORE....ANYMORE!!!!!!
Integrity.
Congruency.
ACTIONS.
Words may speak truth & cut like a two-edged sword...but actions determine what's most important.
You are.
WE ARE.
We are worth the risk. ANY RISK.
We are worth going through any words.
Any pain.
ANYTHING.
EVERYTHING.
But who will dare to go? Who will love?
Who will let their love be unleashed?
Who dares let loose The Matrix?
DARE. DARE TO KEEP ALL YOUR DREAMS ALIVE.
YOU CAN WIN IF YOU DARE.
I WILL WIN.
I WILL WIN!
WILL
WIN
!
we will win.
stay close. none will win alone.
I'm with you. I won't let you go. I need you.
we need us.
we will win.
WE WILL WIN!
but we must hold on.
lock arms.
never looking back.
The dreams will live when we decide to wake up.
WAKE UP!!!!!
WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
W A K E U P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, I want YOU TO LIVE!!!
I LOVE YOU, and I won't give up.
We've never been alone. We've never been unloved....unlovable! Know your heart. You'll see.
Oh, it's so clear now.
Thank you, Lord!
Thank you!
.........
take my hand, love.
no regrets.
let's go!
Currently Listening to:
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling:
Whadduya feelin?
August 23, 2004 , 02:55 PM favorite
PumpkinSeed
All the lonely people.
Where do they all belong?
You may say that I’m a dreamer.
I’m not the only one.
He's alive, but feels nothing, so is he?
------
“Look at her! Look at her!!!”
you look.
though you don’t want to
fou feel forced...but you weren’t.
She lyes and says she still loves in him
Can’t find a better man???
She lyes.
They lay.
They lie to themselves.
“I’m alone.” “I can’t help myself.”
I can’t...............
--
They say they will.
They know they will...they’ve seen it a hudred times.
-----
They lay.
is it love?
He knows it is.... love mixed with fear. Unfounded fear.
happier in the unknown....where they’re not responsible for being alone.
they blame themselves a little..but not fully - they won’t take it all.
they couldn’t bear that. Won’t let themselves go through that pain....after all, they love themselves!
......right??
alone. Listless.
There’s a comfort. They found their comfort. Their sanity.
their love, and pitty for each other.
It was created. Subconsiosly.
but very deliberately.
Tell me WHY! Why, God, I feel this way?”
He likes it.
Round here we talk like lions
but we sacrifice like lambs
She says it’s only in my head.
She says “I know, it’s only in my head”
He breathes....deeply...trying to wash it away.
clear himself.
cleanse himself
find himself
herospycodreamer
“No one understands me!” “no one ever has”
He learns otherwise.
He never was alone.
He’s been spotted!!!
He feels.
He believes.
I see you.
a faith stirs up....
faith, hope, and love.
and all of a sudden....
there’s a new way out!
HA!
leaving the one he loves for the comfort of the one who sees.
Ahh yes - there had to be an easy way out! Let me stay stay stay for a while. You don’t mind if I stay, do you?
Of corse she doesn’t!
Misery loves company.
Frustrated Inc.
It’s real. It’s good.
It sure feels nice.
and he wonders
It aint so bad being alone when you’re not alone.
2 lost souls swimming in a fish bowl...
...
Don’t talk...Don’t talk to me about being alone!
The dreams shift...
...forgetting about his love
Out of sight, out of heart???
taking pleasure in their pain???
no
loving.
happy to be loved.
to feel cared for.
make it last.
let us stay here........
drifting...
drifting...
and they drift off to sleep....dream some more.
one dreams of 2
and one dreams of another.......or so he rationalized.
...and he makes himself believe he’s not the one...never was and never could be...and that he never really wanted to be...
but he enjoyed the dream.
a harmless dream.
?
yes yes - just a resting place. A place to get away...a time to clear out the head...
that's all it was.
He awakens.
sees her....remembers...feels for her again.
and he sees her too! remembers her too!...and once again the fire kindles.
This time with new perspective...not blinded by the light.
Stronger than before, he arises. With a mended heart. a bigger heart. A heart that’s been through some excersize.
He is greatful. For this time, he has more than his heart.
The love is purer than before...free of the distractions of the past. The judements & assumtions.
and it still kindles strong after a small test of time.
he begins to dream
dream up a new self for himself............
__________________________________
notes:
Written:
2004-08-03, Tuezdey
8:25am
2004-08-05, Thursday
6:55am
& Final Edits:
2004-08-23, Monday
2pm
2004-08-25, Wednesday
4pm
I think in music. This entry includes lyrics & a title from the following:
Dave Mathews Band - ?Stay For A While?
Pearl Jam - I'm Open
Pearl Jam - Daughter
Live - Heropsycodreamer
Pink Floyd - ?Wish You Were Here?
The Beatles - Elanore Rigby
John Lennon - Imagine
Soul Asylum - Frustrated Inc.
?Journey? - ?Blinded By The Light?
?Radiohead? ?The Verve? - ?Wash it Away?
Counting Crows - Round Here
REM - ?Don't Talk To Me?
?The Four Tops? - ?Can't Help Myself?
Collective Soul - Why? Pt.2
The story lives on...
Currently Listening to:
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: ...to be continued...
Whadduya feelin?
August 25, 2004 , 12:34 PM
PumpkinSeed
2:16pm
I don’t get it.
The cats warm up to me. They’ll stick arround as I hold & pet em for a quite a while, seeming as happy as can be... then they decide they’re done, bite and/or claw me, then hop off.
I don’t get it. Why the need for the bite or claw?
To me it always seems as a little attack - “Outta my face boy - I’m done with you!” NOT like a love bite from a doggie, or when a doggie reaches out their paw (claw) in an act of friendship/caring/reaching out. - both which can hurt, but with the doggies, the intent is clear that any pain is unintentional.
...Guess the kitties are teaching me that luvin comes at a cost of pain?
Currently Listening to: PearlJam - BLACK & Beddingfield - ...Not The One
Currently Reading: No Bad Dogs
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: still loved
Whadduya feelin?
August 27, 2004 , 07:14 AM
PumpkinSeed
8:54am
Hey there.
wow
what a week.
I too have much important things to do now...
but
yeah - I blog instead
I'll try to do this one by 9:15am
yeah - set a limit - good idea!
I'm sittin in Galaxy Cafe in NYC right now. yeah- I'm in the city! wohoo!
it aint Montral, but it'll do
someone I met @ the montreal station recomended this joint - I dig it! Great yummalicious healthful smoothie, and good service, etc
blah
yeah - back to the blah
hey- I need some kinda intro, right?
sigh
i dont want it to end
well...honestly - that's not really it.
I just dont wanna face my responsibilities.
My great week doesn't have to end.
I gotta make it live on
even if I'm back in Jerzey. It's up to me.
Theo - It was soo cool to see yer Dr. Wane Dyer quote - that's huge stuff if U really live by it. You got my support.
....
heh heh - well - part of this week has PROVEN to me without a doubt, that I truely am one of the luckiest dudes in the world.
I may not have realized it till this week...but I've been lucky for quite a while
maybe "lucky" isn't the word.
...
+)
It's rediculous. It truely is rediculous.
and it's by people that mean the most to me. how freakin awesome is that?
<-----there's gotta be a way to make that emoticon bigger!............................... let's see...........................................
thank you.
sigh
+)
aight....well let'er rip!
These surveys are catchy!
gee, thanx Theo!
DESCRIBE / TELL
[three words that sum you up]: Loving, Respectful, Alive!!!
[jewelry worn daily]: I lost my gold "Andy" bracelet...if I find it, I'll wear it daily again; My Lady Of justice Pin; and My Light For The Lost Pin.....when I find it. Hope to soon have a Pathways Sponsor pin!
[wallet]: black leather Rolls tri-fold....$5 Canadian, $8 "American", trimmed discount cards, and trimmed library card, some of my biz cards, and a buncha other cards I wish I didn't need to have.
[coffee]: mostly quit it like a year and a half ago.....untill Last Saturday, with almost no sleep, and like a 12 hour day of Pathways, so I had an expresso.
...which by the end of the night, I was soooo wired from my experience, I didn't need any coffee after all![shoes]: heh heh - well lately I've been taking them off at any chance I can get. But Currently Black New Balance 501's
[cologne/perfume]: I still use the Addidas Hardy gave me. Thanx bro!
[clothing you have on]: grey heavy cotton "Florida Gators" T-Shirt Pastor Mario gave me for baby-sitting his Kitty when he went to florida in1996.
-MIXED QUESTIONS-
[wishing]: no more. I'm in LIVING mode now! Watch out!
[after this]: bathroom....then NJ.
[talking to]: hmm - yeah - gotta talk more. I sit @ the stool-counter to talk with people, but no one near me.
[eating]: s-l-o-w-l-y finishing up my Smoothie #12...with Bee Pollen.
[fetishes]: hey - who put that question here!?!? That's for my wife to discover!
[some favorite movies]: Perfect Srangers....well when I see it, I think it'll be
Transformers The Movie, eh - nothing's coming to mind. I liked the soundtrack to THE CHASE! 
crap - it's 9:15! Time's up!
back to life! (:
Luv You!
~Seed
----------
Fri, Aug 27th, 2:17am
@ FDU...in the lounge of one of the "Court" dorm buildings
[something you're looking forward to:] Loving someone face-to-face.... a few different someones - sharing what I love an appreciate about them.
[last thing you ate]: 3 pretzel stix. ...no wait - it was the 2nd half of my Seafood Subway 12"
[something you're afraid of]: heh heh - can U believe I just realized this like a week ago! I'm afraid of rejection! I labeled it "loss of love" for about a year...which is just one type of rejection.
[if you could have any animal as a pet]: a small dog....that doesn't need care, and can be smuggled to and from Canada.
[cities you wouldn't mind moving too]: I hear Montreal is good - didn't explore it yet. Ottawa was aight. ...oh yeah - San Francisco!!! +)
[some favorite foods]: Whatever it was I ate @ that Vietnameze restraunt in NYC was amazing. Hummus, Black Cherry & Almond
, Jeepers' mixed veggie pizzas, Ecclairs....well anything with good "boston cream" in it., my mystery stir-fry's, and anything served @ Hardy's place.[something -or someone- you wish you could understand better]: ME, YOU, Jesus, Ed Vedder, Kurdt (ouch)
[miss someone you haven't seen in a long time]: heh heh - plenty o people!! Some I've never seen! Lori, Connie, Mici, Asia, Jessica Lyn, ((((((((RACHEL!!!!))))))), R.E.A.L.I.S.M., Kolleen, Sara McGready, what's her name, ((Linda)), Theo, etc, etc, etc....Heck, even HARDY!
-DO YOU-
[like candles]: Hazelnut scented
[like company]: I
Pre-Paid Legal Services, Inc.!!!..... oh - you mean to have company over? well...I like to be company [believe in soul mates]: ! ....hmmm.... well.....hmmmm.... I'll let you know when I marry mine
[believe in love at first sight]: sure. True love is unconditional...don't even need the first sight! ......now I know you meant "IN LOVE @ First sight?" now that's different.....umm.. hmmm.... dono - I know our intuition can point out people we'll conect with...and we can love in an instant......so it sounds possible. I know for the willing open heart, it doesn't take much for be IN LOVE, though I don't know about "first sight".
[believe in forgiveness]: +) yup yup!! Thank you Lord for forgiving me for being my filthy scumbag self, and still accepting me as your own!! +)
[want to get married]: yea - sounds like a good plan! +)
[want to have kids]: not of my own....but I've only begun to get that weird instinctual desire to pass down the family name. Where did that come from? I'm like fighting it - it doesn't make sence!....sorta. WEIRD Get this sence of oblivion of the Sahagian Name or sumthin.
[ever want to adopt kids]: I strongly wish to ONLY adopt, if we're to have any children.
-IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU...-
[cried]: YES =') It feels so good to let it out!
[bought something]: woops - forgot to pay back Brenda for the Subway sandwich!!
[gotten sick]: no....but I got that churning cringe in my gut when I thought of someone for a few seconds
[sang]: heh heh - Every day, baby!
[eaten]: THANX, BRENDA!!!
[been kissed]: sigh
[wanted to tell someone you love them, but you didn't]: yes. (oh! btw, I love you)
[talked to an ex]: What ex?
[talked to someone you have a crush on]: I wouldn't call it a crush.
[had a serious talk]: yup!
[missed someone]: uh-huh! See above!
[hugged someone]: yuppers! =) a few someone's!
[argued with a parent(s)]: nope! It's pretty rare. Doesn't an "argument" require at least 2 parties participating? If so, it's been quite a while.
[dreamt about someone you can't be with]: heh heh... it's not that I "can't"...it's more that I "haven't".
-SOCIAL LIFE-
[best girl friend(s)]: Danielle, Cai, Linda, Annie, And I gotta put Gwetchie here - she's one of the "best" friends I have - as in - well we're not best friends, but she's one of the best people I know - and she's a friend, so that makes her a best friend, sorta
Honorable mention goes to Maggie - I see best friend potential [best guy friend(s)]: HARDY'z my BOY! Mike, "need I say more?", My Bro: Dan. Honorable Mention: Sir. Fernando - we sure get along well...wonder what would happen if we talked about something real???
[boyfriend/girlfriend]: not quite...
[hobbies]: Journaling (lyrix?), playin piano, singin, loving, benig a nomad across F.D.U., tapping beats to songs, taking naps across FDU, bussing to Canada, giving away food & money to paupers.
[pager/cell]: let my SmartBeep expire this year since gettin the Cell phone. Gimmie a ring! 201-679-1088 I can chat with U there since U don't email or message me!
[car you drive]: my dad's 3 cars....mostly the 1998 Buick Century - it's aight - I take it's luxuries for granted at times tho.
[would you rather be with friends or on a date]: on a date with a few friends..........................well perhaps not a "date date"
But I definately would like some "alone time" to talk things out & see what's real.[job]: heh heh - umm - oh yeah- I better get me that internship! .....woops!
[attend church]: yuppers! Usually Sun morn & Wed night. I do more than attend.
[like being around people]: hmm - yeah - I love to - I can be quite a leach at times. Though, I avoid being be arround people doing things I find annoying. Right now I'm working hard to force myself to stick nearby to people I admire - I've tended to avoid them in the past - feeln uncomfrtable arround them, but now I know that's exactly who I need to be near!
-PERSONAL-
[who is your role model]: Ed Vedder, Dan Sahagian, Rev. John Pra, John Busch, Jesus Christ
[pet peeves]: small wavy/curley hairs on bars of soap
[ever liked someone you can't be with]: heh heh - can't?? I can't say I can't because I never REALLY tried to be with them!....except last Tuesday - that was a first - I did all I could to be with someone, but it just wasn't meant to be.
[ever wanted to get revenge on someone cause they hurt you]: in 8th grade - Sorry Patrick & Ramone!
[cried over the opposite sex]: yea - last Monday - it was great!
THANK YOU! [your favorite physical appearance]: of myself? My Long hair....oh wait...where'd it go?? - ok....my short hair
[are you happy with yourself]: on and off - depends on my current focus - I tend to love & accept me one moment, and then be super-critical of me a lot of the day, and get overwhelmed with all I've not done instead of all I've done!!
[what plans do you have for the future]: live the life of a nomad with a nice home; PPL Platinum Executive Director; Singer/Songwriter/Pianist/Producer; lover; donator to missions, WBAI, WFMU, Sharewareand other worthy things; voulenteer work; Pathways group Leader; caught up with my email, get in touch with all my "lost" friends, sleep, help support people with addictions, minister to youph.
[who do you really hate]: I don't.... well I did hate George W. Bush for a while.
[who's your most trustworthy family member]: I guess Dan - he's pretty good......no - Aunt Jeanette
oh -is that all?
freakin 3:59am - dozed off a few times while doing that.
I REALLY shouldn't have done this now.
I need a nap..........
the flourescent lights in here are soooo loud & penetrating!
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Hail Hail
Currently Reading: This Book of Dreams Belongs to......
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: misplaced, loved, bold
Whadduya feelin?
August 27, 2004 , 08:24 AM
PumpkinSeed
oh that I heard the voice of the one I love
instantly the mind takes over, and the heart is hidden
the small talk begins
the feelings...suppressed.
the heart dying to be released.
but the fear is too mighty still.
the heart isn't as strong as it thought.
but it's getting stronger
daily. Daily getting it's excersize it hasn't done for years.
it's getting stronger.
It will live.
It will be free.
just wait my love.....not long, but just wait.
I feel you dying. And I pray.
I pray that you accept the love that is dying to feed you.
love from all around....from above.....fom me.....and from within.
Oh that you may soar higher than I've ever been.
Oh that you may feel a warm embrace in the cold lonley days.
Oh that you may have but fragment of what you've given me.
that you rest assured that distance is not a true boundary.
and know it is real.
oh that I hear the voice of the one I love
oh that I may be heard.
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Hail Hail
Currently Reading: someone's jounal
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: your pain
Whadduya feelin?
August 28, 2004 , 08:01 PM favorite
PumpkinSeed
well
no.
no more confusion.
today the confusion has finally been destroyed.
my distractions?
heh
well my old distractions have one BIG distraction right now.
LIFE.
I am living. I am free.
I am awake.
I am exposed.
I am loved.
I AM FEELING.
no - much more than just feeling.
I mean.......I KNOW what I'm feeling is REAL.
I'm feeling LIFE.
I'm such a babe when it comes to this. I hope to grow IN it, not OUT of it.
I WILL NOT GROW OUT OF IT.
Growing out if it is impossible....that's not growing!!!!
I THANK YOU. I could not do it alone. I did not do it alone...even when I thought I was doing it alone.
and I aint even talkin about God this time. Yeah -He's totally been by my side...and He's all I ever needed.
but there you were too - we did it together.
All of you.
Dozens of you. Supporting me in ways most of you didn't have a clue.
and the few certain YOU's... I will never forget.
.....And then there was you.
YOU! YES YOU! Y. O. U., YOU!.
what can I say?
I've said so much in so little time.
You who knew me before you knew me.
You're not getting to know me. you do.
I felt you from the start. You've been where I didn't know existed.
you have showed me me, and continue to reveal more of me to me every moment.
You have given me the tools to live, and showed me how to use them.
You are part of me.
You reside in my heart. You have danced with my mind. Your eyes have filled mine.
...
You touch in our dreams. You live in my songs. Your soul nourishes mine.
...
I am humbled at everything you are.
Does anyone deserve such a gift?
I am distracted.
I am destroying my life.
for once...in bliss.
forgive me for not loving me.
forgive me for the pain I cause.
I will get up soon.
I have to stay here a short while longer.
just one more day. Sunday.
Give me one more day. It's so nice here...without responsibilities....destroying myself.
I've done it for 12 years for no good reason.
I've done it for 10 years for my own lusts...the worst possible reason.
can I have one week for the right reason?
one 8-day week for love?
just one more day?
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Hail Hail
Currently Reading: Juno Inbox +)
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: +)
1 insights Xpresed
August 31, 2004 , 11:20 AM
PumpkinSeed
12:40pm
ooo! One Got out!
been spending the past few hours here, seeing a buncha caterpilliars, but I just saw the first butterfly flutter by!!!
speakin of caterpilliars, one is now mozying along next to me on this bench....almost stepped on one earlier as I was tapping my foot to a Sara Groves MP3
aww - now there's a grasshopper night next to me on the bench....hope he dont jump in my face.
cute- now the caterpilliar is going the opposite direction.
wonder if I'll be bringing some "friends" along with me in my pants or PPL bag. ...imagining grasshoppers in the PPL meeting tonight
yeah- I got bugs all over me - lil nats, and flys, and things I dont recognize.
I feel pretty safe...I'm pretty locked down - got long pants, tall socks, long-sleeve shirt with all the buttons buttoned...and even wearing a tie! I'm sure some can sneak in, but they got a small challenge
I'm in Lyndhurst - by the "New Jersey Medowlands Commission" building. It's like a preservation or a park here - first time I'm visiting it - I'm sure I'll be back more..
I like it here - I came here after leaving the B.N.I. meeting. I had wanted a place where I can sit outside & finish typing up my homework email of a plan of action for my business. how long has it been? Less than 3 hours I think....DIDN'T ADD ONE WORD to the mail
Sunday was to be the last day of being distracted.
nope!
sigh. +)
sure nice here....even before I got here I had been thinkin...this would be a nice place to just walk around with you and talk, and enjoy...life.
I'm enjoyin life without you here....but....how much more would it be?
I don't want to just read you anymore.
call me greedy...for wanting to share.
last night I did no better.
For the first time, I parked by the tennis courts, blasting Jewel's Album, SPIRIT as I ate ...then walked arround....then sat in the car to finish my email....but didn't
I found myself....distracted
by you, and by her lyrics
some of em. - I still dont understand much of them, but check these lines out:...
Blue, is that you...
there's no more room inside this heart of mine
I must have you all to myself
feel the full weight of your skin
I'll hollow out my insides to place you in.
Stranger enter from the east
stranger step inside this place
oh
and hold me.....hold me.
I had type em up when i noticed em. wow. Well actually only the one line got me, but the rest is ok.
then as I thought I was about to get to my email, I had to type these lines too:
loving someone else is always so much easier
but I hold myself hostage in the mirror
if you could hear the voice in my heart, it woud tell you
I'm tired of feeling this way.
God, won't you please hold me
release me, show me the meaning of mercy, let me loose ...
FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
LET ME FLYYYYYYYYYY!!
Let me fly.
and I won't be held down
I wont be held back
I will lead with my faith
eh - not bad. ........actually I feel like erasing it now.....I don't feel so impressed by em anymore...I mean...It's still good, and some stuff I can relate with, and love to sing along with....but in writing....it just seems so lame...
...cuz all I can do is think how much more powerful your poetry is. It don't compare.
It's like trying to appreciate a yummy lil M&M when you're just 2 bites into a KING SIZE Snickers
Ya still love the yummy lil M&M, but..........
Currently Listening to:
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: like a Freudian slip?
3 insights Xpresed
