October 2, 2004 , 01:09 AM inside the outside, Living life :)

PumpkinSeed

Time. sigh

I owe more than just hugs lately!

just thought I'd toss a lil update yer way.


Life is good.

I'm lovin it! I'm still hard on me....but geze, I'm lovin my mistakes too! I'm freakin livin (tho not constantly, but hey- i'm new to this!)


I'm lovin, and caring for people....and doing something about it for once!

eh - still not caring for my body enuff....2day I couldn't get outta the stupor of sleep. I woke before 10am, then decided to pray...but I kept fallin asleep and dreaming.

finally got up past 3pm...was supposed to go jogging with my bro....but I got "caught" in a nice long "conversation" with mum. I was mostly listening. Dang, she's pretty insightful/wise/caring/etc. when she's not buzy freakin out or repeating herself.

yes, mum, that's a complement!

I guess someday my parents will find out, and read my tabulas.

perhaps.

I guess that's up to me. hmmm.....


well I FINALLY went for my walk/jog/run.

I found it pretty scarey to discover how short a distance I could run uphill.

Found it even more scarey when I finished my sprint back to home base....my freakin insides were burning, pounding, throbbing, and some other stuff that freaked me out. I just stood gasping as I leaned forward on our brick wall, waiting for Dan to unlock the door.

It's called a clue: Gotta excersize MORE! Wish I had a PAIR of wrist weights to strap on while walking & jogging. Guess I could use my ONE.

(Note: I fell asleep again round 5pm.)
---

Came back from VEGAS on Tuesday morning. Was great to feel welcomed back warmly from ya's (Cai & Aleea)


Vegas was cool. I mean - It was hot...but I enjoyed myself there. It wasn't the BEST PPL convention I've been to, but perhaps the most important one for my personal business! I came outta that one with the closest thing I've ever had to a RESOLVE to do my part to make this thing work.

One lil tid-bit I got from there, was we could use more than just a "WHY" to be successful. It helps to have a "WHO".

I couldn't help but think of you.

sigh

---

Upon my brother's persistancy, we went to go shoot some gunz @ a shooting range! GOOD STUFF!
That very morning, in my "Life's Little Instruction Book", I read something like "Learn to properly operate firearms." After reading that to my brother, he was flippin on me saying it was like an omen that we now HAD to go do it. So I gave in - the book made me do it


Yeah, I'm a Chun-Li Wannabe

It was fun, and a good learning experience.
They didn't have an "AUTO 9" (Robocop's gun), so I settled for a Semi-Auto 9mm. We started each with a 22 calibur, then upgraded to the 9mm.

---
When we 1st got to Vegas, It was party time with the Melia's (as always!) I made sure not to wear my painfully uncomfy shoes...but rather my sneakers.

After maybe 20 minutes, one woman I met on the dance floor @ "Hotlanta" invited me out to dance again. I thanked her, and let-er-rip!

I DANCED.

I DANCED HARD.

I DANCED...Pretty good!

For those who don't know, I love to dance....dancing is a RELEASE for me .....ALONE, and in secret!

But this was a risk/struggle for me. ESPECIALLY when people can see me. ESPECIALLY when dancing WITH another woman/person.

I feel I dance best when I close my eyes, zone out, and feel the music. I did my best this time to keep my eyes open ...my head up, keepin some eye contact, not loosing my smile, and heck even occasional physical contact with other humans time to time! Usually the most physical contact I make with others while dancing, is stepping on them or bunking into them, or wacking them with my flailing arms!:

"sorry...sorry...sorry......"

I did much more contact with others while dancing @ "Hotlanta". This time I found myself keepking a distance more. I'll still only touch another if THEY invite/initiate it.


well.... this time, more than others, I found people taking notice of me. Perhaps 5 or 6 women wanting to dance with me. Men and women were throwing their encouragement & complements my way... I wanted to run....shut my eyes....go away....at least zone out.

but I stayed there....in reality....with people.

ouch.

and I saw the look on one elderly woman's face as we danced, facing each other to Madonna's "Cherish The Love"...and I looked into her eyes.... and I thought...God, I'm making a difference in other people's lives!!! I'm freakin making a difference!!!

I Danced.
I danced gently, but inside I was dancing hard.


...and while I danced....I couldn't help but think of you.

sigh

My Mentor, Jerry Joyce called me "Twinkle Toes", and kept commenting how I was captured with photos...that my secret was out!

His wife, my other mentor, DeAnn, told me had I put that much energy into my business, I'd surely be successful already. I told her how dancing is one area I'm learning to give my all....it's excersize so I can feel free to give in other areas as well.

My brother told me, people were refering to him as "Andrew's Brother".

On and on throughout the weekend, I heard comments about my dancing from different people.

Later that 1st evening...heck - it was past midnight, so that MORNING, one of the top Executive Directors came up to me while I was shopping for water in Wallgreens, and he asked me my name.

"My name is Andrew Jacob Sahagian"

He told me his name. I said I already knew his name.

He commented about my unique energy or presence, or something like that. I thanked him, and told him how it was a risk, and a growing experience for me. I told him how I was still a ZERO when it came to my business.

He then told me how he WAS a Computer Programmer for Microsoft. I told him, "I remember." (His wife smiled, and commented.)

He then told me that if HE, a computer programmer, can be successful at this business, ANYONE CAN!!


Thanx, Steve!

Before leaving the Stardust hotel, I spoke with one of the women who danced with me. (note: I refused to dance with her to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" ) And she was telling me of her youph...dancing all Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights long.
CLEAN fun. Dancing till the BAND dropped.

She gave me her thoughts and method of dancing.

"Step...and step...and step...and step!"

She asked me where all the DIRTY dancing and dressing came from. Why is it so prevelant in our culture now? Surely it wasn't from her generation's influence, right??? I gave her the easy, but honest answer. I think a lot of it comes from young people being brought up BY television.

I mostly dance as I FEEL music.

I have to believe most people dance as they've seen other's dance....and I believe the 1st place new dance moves/stlyes/methods are seen...is on TV! Of corse it spreads by other means....like by what ya see on Dance floors....but I belive that's likely the main source. Enlighten me otherwise if ya want.

eh.

Well later that weekend....at the conclusion of one of the main conference sessions....I saw her again....she was layed out on a stretcher...being wheeled out. I felt to run after her....but I stopped myself, and began to freakin THINK instead! I had to freakin RATIONALIZE a reason to care enough to rush to check on her. Anywayz, fortunately I came up with a good excuse to care: "she's my sister in the Melia family, so I should care.". I rushed to one of the medical aids and asked if she could tell me what's wrong with her. She told me she was sorry, but she couldn't tell me.

I looked at her. Her eyes closed...hands crossed over her tummy and purse...looking peaceful....I think she was alive...
Then it hit me.

Life is good. life is precious. She has made a difference in my life. And perhaps...the differnece I made in her life...may have been one of the last.

But for a moment, we were there for each other. Supporting each other to be happy....to enjoy ourselves....feel heard....feel FELT....LIVING LIFE!!....and knowing...perhaps for but a moment, we're each important to each other. We made a difference to each other.

Thanx for the dance!

I can't hide anymore. Never again.



DANG.



-----
SUPERJOY!! mum signed up for Pathways' BASIC at the local Guest event on Tuesday!! (She didn't pick a date yet tho.)

I'm a lil dissapointed that none of the 24 peeps I talked with came, and 15 other peeps still never called me back after I left a voicemail or message just askin them to get back to me as soon as possible.

oh well...I'm just amazed that I got myself the ballz to call 39+ people!!! That's so unlike me. But for once, I made the effort for some of the people I care about, and wish for them to better their lives, and the lives of those they impact!! Cool!

heh - at the end of one of the phone calls, I got WACKED with a very unexpected "love you!" I don't recall how I replied, but she responded with somethin like "You're supposed to say, 'Back at ya!'" Still dumbfounded, I blurted out the excuse, "sorry - I'm still new at this......" refering to my new-found abilities to feel & express love. What a lame excuse.

hmmm......



hmmmm......

ok....umm.... NEXT SUBJECT PLEASE!!
hmm....


spent a LOTTA time Thursday on tabulas and the such....but it payed off in that after some searching for the Community I wanted to join....I discovered it didn't exist! So I decided to make it!

SUPER WELCOME!!! to all the supah cool people who joined, or at least peeked at our new _grow_feel_live_love community! I had wanted to join sumthin like this for many months, but never put the effort into lookin for it....or makin it.

I hope it goes betta than planned. We'll see! It's up to us!
---
Wednesday was interesting too. For the 1st time, I went to our church's new "Teen Xtreme: Velocity" group. I'm super glad they started sumthin up for the youph again! I wanna support it however I can. I feel that's where I should be doin stuff. When I was there, I felt freaked out a bit by the yungins being rude, and yellin, and jumpy and stuff. I felt freaked out...just like a few years back when I was a teen arround such kidz. I felt to go into my old pattern of judging them, and slipping into my own world. Heck, I wanted outta there! But I did my best not to. That's never benefitted me or anyone. I gotta rough it out, and stay who I really am, and be caring, and supportive.

eh - besides singing, I was pretty quiet most of that nite.

Earlier I got to hang with a "long lost" friend. Was nice not feelin alone. We didn't open up much, but it was nice.

And later that evening....geze...another night of massive sharing with 'Becca! Left her place past 6am! It'z amazin how much we have in common. At the same time, we're able to give "opposite" perspectives/insights to each other that we just can't see on our own. Thanx again, 'Becca! Alwayz a pleasure! **hugs**

---

Last night I dreamed a dream... A dream I had been longing to dream for so long...

...and while I dreamed....I couldn't help but grab and hug you.

Whoda thought it'd be after all we been through?


well....

I don't like writing entries this long....but so be it.

There's plenty of crap I left out....espeically the lame crap I'd rather not admit.

Lata folx!

~luvseed


"It's high time I razed the walls that I've constructed."



Currently Listening to: REM - World Leader Pretend & The Wrong Child
Currently Reading: 'Yesterday I Cried'
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: out there...in here
2 insights Xpresed

PumpkinSeed
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Coming out of the Dark!
(FORMERLY: "Inside the Shell")

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