Entries in category "inside the outside"
April 9, 2007 , 01:15 AM favorite inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
<p>PumpkinSeed: i wont call you out as a sinner
PumpkinSeed: i wont point a finger at anything
PumpkinSeed: you haven't pointed at mine
PumpkinSeed: we're all in the same boat
PumpkinSeed: no matter how much i try to restrict myself
PumpkinSeed: it's no good towards my holiness or whatever
PumpkinSeed: of course i try to be the best me i can be
PumpkinSeed: it's not to appease god
PumpkinSeed: it's to live a better life
PumpkinSeed: it's to be a better husband and dad and lover
PumpkinSeed: and friend
PumpkinSeed: it's to help find PEACE for myself
PumpkinSeed: less for me to battle within
PumpkinSeed: less guilt
PumpkinSeed: less regrets
PumpkinSeed: and perhaps most of all
PumpkinSeed: it's to be useful
PumpkinSeed: for god
PumpkinSeed: it's not to appease him
PumpkinSeed: it's to serve him - to be available for his will
PumpkinSeed: to be able to help others in the boat with me
PumpkinSeed: to make it to safety
PumpkinSeed: to find true love
PumpkinSeed: if i do everything i desire - i live a life that's fun
PumpkinSeed: but i live a life distracted of my calling to reach others
PumpkinSeed: and i get lots of issues and situations to deal with from my actions
PumpkinSeed: again - keeping me distracted</p>
Currently Listening to: Brian Dokersen - Purify My Heart
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: worthy =)
Whadduya feelin?
April 28, 2006 , 10:48 PM inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
and I thot of tabby..........and how I don't like to be less than perfect here.
not only do I want you to love accept and like me.....I guess I'm still the friggin pharisee who wants to be seen as holy.
But tabby is the place where I'm not supposed to be an actor anymore......where I'm supposed to play myself.
so I just want to avoid it and not post any entries here.
I think of how silly this entry must be to anyone else reading it - because - yeah - of course everyone knows I'm not perfect cuz it's friggin impossible.
but I like to play myself as "perfect" in at least some areas of life.....and THANK GOD, somedays I am! Some weeks, and months I am!
but today, I've been less than perfect.
.....and I thot I'd journal anyway
Currently Listening to: Twila Paris - Perenial
Currently Reading: 1998 car reviews (Rivierra, Aurora, Montecarlo, Eldorado, etc.)
Currently Watching: altavista search results
Currently Feeling: tempted...human
Whadduya feelin?
November 20, 2005 , 09:15 PM inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
inside the Seed crys out.
crys out for a friend
only one friend.
A Seed falls again.
ashamed again
ashamed to cry out.
Inside a seed crys out.
But at least there is One who listens to the inside
A Seed has fallen again.........perhaps it's time to get rooted.
Currently Listening to: Steven Curtis Chapman - Signs of Life
Currently Reading: Ezekiel Chapter 41
Currently Watching: :alice:
Currently Feeling: humbled
3 insights Xpresed
November 1, 2005 , 10:01 PM inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
a pride of country, ethnicity, or culture.
I've gotten to know proud pinoys
but I can't say I'm a proud armenian, sicilian, italian, French, or American.
I've never had school spirit either
in the office we're supposed to have the "kirby spirit"....maybe someday I'll get that.
I'm proud of other things.....things I've chosen......and those that have chosen me
also proud of my friends......proud of those I love.
I guess that's it. I don't love my nations or schools.........never embraced em. (tho I do love our constitution and heretage)
I've learned to live without a pride
Just a shell with me stuck inside
A prison
Not a place to hide
Not a place to hide
~Stained Yesterday
What's it like to have this pride? Are you proud of having this pride?
hmm...
Currently Listening to: Staind - Yesterday
Currently Reading: Cuz Tawny's MySpace
Currently Watching: nuttin
Currently Feeling: curious...
2 insights Xpresed
September 5, 2005 , 11:51 PM favorite Ang pag-ibig, inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
"Unsuspecting Friend"
You are always in my heart
and I can't get you out (not that I'd want to get you out)
I don't care that you're married
'cause you're still my friend
I love you past the end.
You're always in my heart
You're always in my heart!
Never let you go
I wanted you to know
Don't be afraid
I'm not here to hurt
I've wanted you by my side
I've learned to let that go
now I'm still here
Don't be afraid
like I am
I don't want to grow cold,
even though I'm in society.
I don't want my heart to go
to it's old state of stone.
My stone breaker is gone,
but still I must stand strong
strong enougth to be weak
and vounerable,
at my core.
'cause only times of hapiness and peace
have come in my life
when I've been at my core
You were my ticket
to my inside out
and now I must live there a way
without you
At least I got the memories
I know what it's like
At least I got my mind
and some partial sanity
No, I won't leave it alone
I can't leave it alone
I can't leave myself
locked inside again
I've been let out.
I don't have you.
Just gotta live
that way all the time
I know I might get hurt.
I know it might be hard.
I know I might get left out.
I know I might get scarred.
I know I can't do it alone
But that's why you're inside me,
to guide me.
You've shown me that what's inside is real
and I'm okay
and I'm acceptable
even when I'm this wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
You helped me find myself
You found my way out.
You helped me when alone
It wasn't so hard with you there.
Felt life
from the inside
'written' orally while playin a Steel Geetar on the synth
2005-08-31<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
"Never Look Back"
I hope he holds you close.
I hope he holds you tight.
I hope he gives you that comfort
you found in me at night
He's more real to you than I could ever be
I don't want you ever
to seek again what you found in me, in me.
Let him be the one
to hold you forever.
Show him you're the one
who'll be there forever.
I pray he loves you more than I ever did.
I pray he finds you,
all that you've ever hid.
Never let go.
Hold on forever.
Never look back
'cuz you know I'll be there
I don't want you to see me.
Just keep flying by.
You need to be there
for the apples of your eye.
Never look back
'cuz you know I'll be there.
Hold them close.
They're waiting for you.
Give yourself,
all of you.
Never look back
'cuz you know I'll be there
Living my life without you
Never look back
'cuz you know I'll be there
Living my life with you on the inside
where I guess you belong
where your love
resides eternal,
holding me strong
Salamat, dear friend
Never look back
But always look up
for ang paig-ibig
Look up, dear friend
For that strength to go on
'written' orally while sitting quietly @ the synth, eyes shut
2005-08-31
Currently Listening to: Pumpkin Seed - 2005-08-31 - Synth Session 1
Currently Reading: MySpace
Currently Watching: in disbelief
Currently Feeling: better......exposed
8 insights Xpresed
August 15, 2005 , 10:54 PM inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
Laying in bed to rest, some words began to pop into my head, and I thought to myself that they sounded like lyrix, afraid that the words were unacceptable, so I went to the one place where I'm free to explore whatever pops into my head w/o judgement....My intuition Jounal. So I closed my eyes and typed 2 songs on Minipute.
the 2nd one was lost because of a pop-up.
but the first one was recorded.I sorta typed all this w/o thinking. It was just a flowing of words....
the music sounded inspired by the Staind song w. the video of the kid who wished for his father to give attention
_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=^=_=^=_
lying here
state to state war within
head to head
leave me out
take it in
don't feel safe
let it begin
I don't understand where you've been
I play this real loud hopeing to feel it
I think of what it was like for you growing up
but what comes inside me is all screwed up
so is this what it's like to live and be you?
is this why you cry and why you screw????
tell me what it's like to be you!!!!
I don't get it and I think I don't want toooo.
it sux to be living in your shoes
I thank God for the life I've been given.
how can you react in any other way?
my God forgive me for judging you that way!
help me to see you
help me to find
help me to reach out
to find what's not mine.
help me to feel you
help me to see
help me to find out what it's like to be me if I were you.
let it out
let me in
deep inside
don't hide the sins
set it fee
coming clean
help to hate
hate to clean.
show me
what it's like to spend a day in your shoes
tell me
how it feels to see the crap I do
tell me
let me know of the pain and the recluse
hear me
give me a chance and I'll show you my side too
let me
let me in
feel me
feel my sin
read me
we're all akin
teach me
start again,
Currently Listening to: Rutherford crickets
Currently Reading: I got an e-mail to read and reply to :)
Currently Watching: SpongeBob Hemp Pants
Currently Feeling: tapped
Whadduya feelin?
August 5, 2005 , 06:01 PM inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=
I'm critcal of myself - consider my songs to be sounds of solitude
but isn't that how many artists record or make art?
isn't that how many pianists do thier thing?
good grief - I'm okay
I hear Jewel say that, "If I could tell the world just one thing, it's that we're all okay"
and I think "If I could tell the world just one thing, it's that we're NOT okay!"
we need to accept each other and ourselves
but we need to recognize our miserable woeful condition.
God loves us.
We condemn ourselves to His judgement.
huh?
we're acceptable to God?
no - he loves us
only Jesus is acceptable!
we're MADE accceptable....we're BLESSED, not when we say we're okay, but when we're mournful and broken.....we're MADE "okay" by Jesus' covering!
hmm
my job is to accept you, but to show you that you're unacceptable
huh?
I'm confused? am I?
Jesus was super accepting...of sinners
but super condemning of those who thot they were okay
Woe to you...undone are you who think you're whole.
Whole are you who think ...KNOW you're undone!
I think I get it.
a "paradox" indeed!
..........................ultimate truth is a paradox
my job is to accept the sinners and condem those who think they're righteous...the "self righteous"
wow. I think I get it!
both are condemed.......but only those who don't think they're righteous can enter the kingdom of God!
I accept you because you're unrighteous... I accept you becuse you're unacceptable.
know the love and mercy of God.
know that you are condemned that you may seek cleansing.
be poor in spirit - be depressed - be mournful - be sorrowful - be broken for you are an abomination to God's perfect standards.
only then can you be ready to receive God's gift of salvaion, cleanliness, righteousness, and joy eternal...and some friggin peace!
peace comes knowing we're okay. we can't do anythign to be okay but admit to God we're not okay, and ask Him to make us okay....His gift...HIS righteousness.
Lord, I'm a scumbag looser addict, lustful and self-righteous, disobedient, and lazy, disrepectful to my parents and brother, and irresposible to myself and those who need me. I like to ignore Your commands and guidance and sit around and think and wish. I like to hurt myself and bring others down into my darkness. I like to criticize others for stuff I never bothered to attempt to do myself. I turn from Your light and Your path and seek my own path. I pleasure in myself, and not in Your ways. I am ungreatful for what I have and always want more from myself, and from others who have given me much.
I am proud - I think I'm pretty special - pretty righteous, and "okay". I think Yer happy with me and my choices and actions and my attempts at loving.
I am pitiful.
I don't come close to Your standards. I am comparing myself to fellow men instead of You and Your demands.
I am unfit to be in Your presence. I have filthy hands and filthy eyes. I have a twisted mind and a decietful heart that tricks myself and those who know me.
I am......I am made whole thanks to Your grace, love, mercy, and loving kindness. I don't fear God because I know I am MADE whole by the very One who made me in my begining.
My stains are blotted clean. My missing pieces are restored. My corruption is healed, and my ways are made straight.
My mistakes are overlooked and my deviances are forgotten.
My hands are washed clean and my eyes are.....
my eyes....
my eyes are made anew. From eyes of lust to eyes of love.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you for being my Rophe.
My fears of men are no longer my concern.
My fears of self are now cute neurological associations that just don't associate anymore.
Clothe me. Continue to clothe me in YOUR righteousness. Not that I be made perfect for my own desires, but that I may be acceptable in your eyes, and that I may be of value to this world who needs to see a glimpse of what you're really about & what you want to do for all of us.
Conform my desires unto Yours. help me to be all You've given me to be. Not just in words that I write, but in the life that I will CHOOSE to live each day, and with the sounds of my usta and the tallents you have placed in my fingertips.
I am young and unwise. Guide my steps.
I am alone and afraid. Give me confidence in your presence.
I am lazy and inexperienced. Give me passion and vision beyond myself.
I am confused and friggin analitical. Give me trust and clarity.....and trust when there is no clairity!
Wipe away my shame of who I am and what I've done.
Give me a peace and assurance each and every day as I live out the man you created inside of me over 24 years ago.
My mind is never still.
Give me rest in your bosom that I have never known before.
Lead me to lead others to You, and Your love.
may all doubts and fears be cast aside as Your Word becomes my focus.
Thank you, Jesus for these gifts that I know you have been waiting to fully give to me.
Forgive me for choosing to live in fear and protection for so long.
I'm sorry for not trusting you sooner.
Thank You for Your patience and faithfulness.
thank You for giving Your life for mine.
My turn to give mine back to You......my turn to return my life to it's rightful loving owner.
Thank you.
Let it be. Let it be.
Currently Listening to: Pumpkin Seed - Friggin Beautiful
Currently Reading: Intuition2.pwd
Currently Watching: my 7 walls
Currently Feeling: to be continued...
Whadduya feelin?
July 22, 2005 , 12:28 AM Introspections, inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
it's that I'm so sensitive and focused on things that I can't divert to the thing I need to do that's in front of me.
I have things on my mind.
I have people in my heart.
I have music in my ears.
and yeah, I got my share of worries/anxiety/chatter in my head - who doesn't?
so when I gotta sit and produce something (like homework) - my mind is everywhere else because those things/people are more meaningful and have my undivided attention.
I'm thinking these thots @ 2:59 am with my notebook in front of me. I need to write out some goals I need to share with someone who wants to hold me accountable so I acheive my goals....and my brother is playing music in the next room, and I'm 100% focused on the music, the lyrics, the guitar, the thumps, etc...and I sit immobilized.
Yesterday (as for every day the past week) I had the goal of e-mailing my resume to some jobs I saw posted on CraigsList, and an idea poped into my head for PumpkinSeed.tk, and I developed and executed much of those ideas for a few hours, VERY FOCUSED and UNDISTRACTABLE.
so I spent some hours to begin to create my new webpage, and learn some new HTML tricks...and begin to plan and execute the next upgrade to it.
so I AM a very focused person when I have a creative task in my mind. I have no trouble spending hours perfecting my resume, but i can't put 7 minutes into e-mailing it? huh?
Another thing is how I fully tune into other people - I sence where they're at and my energy and mood adapts to theirs. I've been seeing this as a fault because I feel like I'm not myself, and I'm always conforming to others.
But no - now I see it as a gift. Sure I need to learn how to do my own thing when i need to, and not be affected by others, BUT I can connect with people and meet them where they're at. They feel heard and understood. And yes - now I'm in a place where I can be an influence on them because they trust me now because they know I see where they're at, and am not just coming at them in an oblivious or insensitive manner.
I'm learning to identify my strengths. I'm very good at finding my "faults", but to each "fault" there's a strengh to be found on the other side of it. (I'm not talking about "character flaws", but personality flaws - they're not flaws at all, but modes of operation that work in some areas and don't work in others.
What's the flip-side to the parts of life you always screw up? What's that hidden strength you never noticed?
bla bla bla
okay - I gotta get back to my work, but make sure you check out the NEW PumpkinSeed.tk! and check it again in a few days, it should be even better!
ps. now how did I create this entry w. dan playing the music? Well the thought of this entry came to my head, and I cant rest my mind to focus on the task of writing my goals till I get this entry out, so my focus goes so STEADFAST to CREATING this entry that the music which had my 100% attention is now just background thumps.
I need to do creative work to be engaged & focused.
znarf!
Currently Listening to: Dan's mp3 collection
Currently Reading: cai's tab
Currently Watching: staring @ my notebook in front of me like da good ol school days
Currently Feeling: special..unique..gifted..
Whadduya feelin?
