February 2, 2005 , 01:27 AM favorite Introspections

PumpkinSeed

Creations There are many different ways to divide people up to try to understand them...or ourselves.

I realize I have differnet "personalities" that I show to different people. A few summers back, my friend's dad, Pete, pointed out three of mine. I was a bit taken back, but I played along, and over that weekend, it became very evidant as I kept living out one "personality" that almost never had been lived out before. It was pretty cool ....and it was....me!

His name is Brian.

I mean my name is Brian?


It's been said, "We are who we think we are", or "As a man thinketh, so is he".

hmm....

so in those moments, I lived out who I was....who I never really been before.

huh?

I mean....think of acting. If ya ever tried it, with any seriousness at all, you take on a new mindset of the character we imagine ourselves to be. It's the same crap when someone is hypnotised. We are who we think we are.

So what does that say for the who we live ourselves out to be?

If I REALLY believe I'm a shy, anxious, inferior, unknowable, unlovable, unfocused, unworthy, clumsy, underachiever....well guess how I'll live!

But if someone puts a seed of doubt into my mind about any of those things....I'll begin to live a little different! I'll begin to act and think a lil differently.

huh?

My point is we have the power to determine who we are....

...or more accurately, we have the power to determine who we LIVE ourselves OUT to be, NOT REALLY who we are!

Think of it this way: we don't have the ability to create new tallents and abilities, BUT, we can RELOCATE our comfort zones, and go after and achieve new ambitions, as we simply belive that's what we're about!!

oh..........okai?

Well Sunday I got to thinking that I had 3 distinct "personalities", but Monday night, while in Prayer Meeting, I realized that what I thought was "3 personalities" was really 3 CREATED parts of me........


I put out a front - how I let others see me - that's the "me" I've CREATED for a million reasons. To get by, to meet necessities, to be liked, to have fun, to work with others, to earn $, to make friends, to get things done, to avoid pain, to take risks, to hide in my comfort zones, etc. etc. etc. This is the part of me that makes a difference in the world, that makes mistakes, that achieves, that "fails", etc, etc, etc. The part of me that sometimes goes out to impact the world, and sometimes runs in terror from the world. This is the "me" most people get to see, and get to know. Quite frankly, there are several different versions or variations of "me" I've created. In particular, the one I tried to make acceptable to family, and the christian community, and one for my "secular" friends. In actuality they're both pretty accurate to who I really am, but each has part of me in hiding. There are actually quite a few variations of "me". ("Andrew", "Jacob", "Brian", "Seed", "DJ Pumpkin Seed", "Andie", etc, etc, etc) They're my interchangable adaptable and decietfully "practical" Shells!

Then there's the "me" in my head - the voice that never silences - the one processing things, the one that's becoming wise over time, the part that percieves and process my intuition, scars, pain, knoledge, feelings, memories, logic, music, worries, hopes, etc, etc, etc - that's the me CREATED and shaped by my reactions to, and assimilations of life experiences, education, socioty, enviornements, philosophies, beliefs, etc - the inner/hidden me that makes decisions. The part of me that DECIDES what and who to share with. This is the "me" that seems to show up the most on tabulas, but rarely in my everyday interactions. I don't use my usta much when around most people, and when I do, it's my tendency to keep my thoughts/feelings/beliefs/etc to myself. This is something I've been working a lot on changing, and Tabulas, and my friends have been a great help to me to accept this part of me, and be able to share it more in other areas of my life. This is also the "deep" part of me where intellectual, "creative" and artistic stuff usually comes from: The Mind. Now what I process, percieve, and belive in my mind determines what I Live Out (see above paragraph)

Then there's one more part. The part of me no man, woman, experience, or mother nature herself could ever create. The part of me that's a miracle to exist at all. The part of me where my true personality resides. The part that has innate tendancies that show up on that Meyers-Brigs test, and all them quizilla type things. The part of me gifted with tallents, passions, life, dreams, and thank God, finally LOVE! The part of me that has instinct to grow, and has emotional & spiritual needs to be met, and desires to live, and be social with people & with my creator. This is the part of me that will never be destroyed or modified, but rather fades in and out of conciousness. This is the part of me that's always been, and will forever be. It's where my heart resides; where I feel, and where I truely love. It's where my passions and purposes live. It's the part of me that has created the 2 other parts mentioned above, yet it's the most concealed part. It's also where my creations of origional/improv music & other original/abstract art come from. It's where my passion, love, intuition, and crys come from. The part of me....who is everything that REALLY IS ME. It's my soul.

Despite my hiding, sometimes others have seen my soul. It's visible in my subtle gestures, with my artistic creations, with my expressions of my passions and feelings, and on a rare occasion when someone dares to really look through my eyes to see the real me.

I think that perhaps the time my soul was most on display was when I was a young child - before I could really create the other 2 parts of me, or put up my shell.

But yes - this is the part of me that IS Andrew Jacob Sahagian. The part of me screaming to be released into this world, and to be FULLY lived out. I've been living from my soul more and more over the past months, but I have a long ways to go. My goal is to be fearlessly, finally, faithfully, willingly, fully "out there" by the year's end. GOD HELP ME! It's friggin hard.....but with the greatest risks & challenges come the greatest rewards, and impacts! =)

===============================

I may have liked and appreciated you because I got glimpses of what you've created, and what you've shared.

I may have loved you because I know you have a soul that needs to be loved, just like everybody else does.

But I fell in love when I caught a glimpse, and was given a taste of your soul.

Mahal ini-ibig.
Currently Listening to: Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories - Tails - It's Over
Currently Reading: Juno Sent Folder
Currently Watching: and waiting
Currently Feeling: held hostage by myself
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PumpkinSeed
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Coming out of the Dark!
(FORMERLY: "Inside the Shell")

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