PumpkinSeed
aight - so we all know Seed's pretty cool, but he's got some problems.
Over the years, I've had problemz with things needing decisions, focus, and discipline. In particular since 6th grade, it seemed like my performace @ school and stuff has been going downhill.
It showed up the most with homework, reading boox, writing essays, remembering what to do, etc.
What killed my grades (and helped me fail 10 courses in college, and a bunch of classes in high schools) especially was my lack of doing homework.
I had been put through various kinds of torture and love from family to get me to shape up.
but that just created resentment & spite in me....for family, for homework, for socioty!
I've always dreamed big....well I always dreamed.....Daydreamed! It wasn't untill I started my Intuition Journal that I began to stop daydreaming. I had made the daydreams tangable...expressed - it freed up my head....no longer do I have re-curring daydreams, but now thoughts put into my Psion to be learned from, reflected upon, and even sometimes shared with others! But I no longer dwell on single ideas/thoughts. =)
DISCIPLINE & DECISIONS? Perhaps that's the hardest 2 things you can ask of me. To be focused & disciplined to get something important accomplished....nearly impossible. And ask me to make a decision??? That's yer answer to prayer when you prayed for Patience! ha! I've hurt many people....loved ones....myself....relationships over these things. When asked to make decisions, I think my mind freezez....but if I look carefully, it's really racing in those moments....going through a million possiblilities and results....anxieties.....and nothing comes out....I need to know the absolute best thing to choose before I can state it. so my mind searches for the RIGHT answer rather than MY answer!
I've always been fidgety....I remmber as a kid being paid $5 from my aunt for sitting still for 5 minutes @ our CHRSITmas party. I know I can focus better on things (like tests) if I'm wiggling a foot, or tapping something....or eating (in college, I'd bring food to class & do better concentrating while distracting my hungry peers)
as a Freshie in College, Psyc 1101, we learned a lil about ADD. I remember Dr. Neil Massoth saying they didn't know why a stimulant helps the children focus in school. It made perfect sence to me! If I had a stimulant in my head, then I wouldn't need to stimulate myslelf physically by tapping or eating, or wiggling.
Now I knew, especially from 12-22 years old, that I had a GREAT ability to be VERY focused.......on one thing......excessively.....OBSESSIVELY..... I knew this because i had a 10 year addiction where I would seek after something, and never stop till I discovered all there was to possibly discover, then once I did reach that point, I'd OBSESSIVELY HUNT for the "next best thing" to discover, then OBSESSIVELY discover all there was about that "thing". I was focused, all right! And nothing else in my life progessed....even the most important things.... I'd take care of those things as I HAD to, then get on back to my addiction the 1st chance I could.
I struggled and fought it.....but I couldn't loose focus on that one thing of the moment.
When I collect things, it's in excess.... I need COMPLETENESS to that collection.....then I drop it, and forget about it - it was never that important after all!
===
I did learn one thing in Pathways Advanced about myself.....I can be focused, disciplined, and make very fast, very firm decisions.......when I'm fueled by Love for another, and know by me doing those things, I may be supporting that one I love so dearly. For the 1st time in my life, I belive I gave 100% of myself. I did all I could....I lived big. It may not have been very visible from the outside, but INSIDE I knew I was doing everything I possibly could. I was VERY MUCH outside of my comfort zone. Because I loved.
which leads me to now....I reaize I don't take care of myself because I aint loving myself.....nor am I caring for the one person I CAN CHANGE for the sake of those that love him so dearly! I am hurting those that I love....those that love me, every single friggin moment that I aint takin care of me.
sigh
====
So what about my inability to read & write & do homework? Tabulas has taught me I CAN read & WRITE......focus & concentrate......be creative & write stuff that's sorta like the dreaded essays that I had so often turned in BLANK sheets of paper in school.
I've "done my homework" and commented on yer entries, after thinking of the answers to the questions.
====
Wednesday night, after the youph group dismissed, Sister Rosemary spoke with me...askin me how things are going for me getting that great job @ the Orphanage, or in similar fields........and I told her how I had been a lazy bum on that front.
I was surprised at what I just said....cuz normally I won't let anyone get away with calling me "lazy"!
So I elaborated...I hadn't been gung-ho to get that job I need....I had done some steps, but.............I got distractedIt led to a conversation......she doesn't think I'm lazy.....Have I ever been evaluated for A.D.D.???
sigh
no....never.....why get "evaluated" when you know the answer already? .....why get a professional's evaluation when you know you don't want to take the steps after having they tell you what you should do about it?
I had been tempted to get evaluated my last 2 semesters in college. I thought that maybe if I had that LABEL, the teachers would cut me a break, or work with me MY way.
but I don't want the drugs (side effects....like homicide), and I don't want the psychologist (accountability to take on my responsibilities), and I don't want the LABEL of "ADD" to use as an excuse for my poor behaviour when I KNOW I can do better without no friggin drugs.
I KNOW what it takes to make me do things that I never do......especially since Pathways Advanced.
but I rather fight ALONE and fail then get help and succede.
would I advise that to anyone I love....hell no! Get all the friggin help you can get!
and I know there are other ways to fight ADD besides the evil medications or cocain. I know there are natural foods and suplaments "out there" that help with no side effects.......but my fear was.................WHAT IF THEY WORK?
what if they work and do what they're supposed to do............and I'm no longer the Me I am now?
I guess my main fear is that It'd affect the way I think....It would bring me out of touch with my soul, and my creativity & spontenaity, and leave me......like one of the surface dwellers.
I like being deep. I like spending hours thinking and processing and learning things.
I like philosophizing.....I like being able to sit at a piano 3AM in the DARK with my eyes wide shut, and to play things from the heart and soul that come very randomly.
I'm afraid of not being in touch with me.
I don't want to be like the hundreds of thousands of kidz that have been sapped of all their unique leadership abilities in the name of making them "fit in"!
GRR!!!! that really upsets me!
what if there are suttle nuances about me that change without me noticing, and I take on tendencies to be rude or mean or something?
====
but then....
....but then I thought of what I felt like on my last day of Pathways Leadership.....and I quote from my Tabby entry that night:
"
"in particular the
and feelings.....i had told myself to "keep your eyes big". Other people could see and sence it from within me! I never felt that before.....that awreness.....feeling.....not alone. NOT a "oneness" but rather feeling PART of human kind....a "brotherly" attachment....where I was no longer in my head, but available to those around me....even those who love me!It was at that moment I was fearless, but truely excited to meet you, Cai! It was that moment I was willing to express my love for you, Theo.
I was ready for reality....I was willing to live, and take risks again for love. I was willing to take steps to take on my responsibilities.....even my obligation to myself and my creator to do everything in my ability to live out my big dreams.
It was in that moment I was finally ready to feel and belive I was loved, by you, Cai! There was no coincidence in our timing.
.....but much of the
and has faded. I know what it is to be that way, and I thank God Almighty, lover of my soul for that precious moment I can now strive for again....I thank HIM for working directly and BLATANTLY in my life as I began to trust HIM then......but I mention all that to wonder.....is it chemicals and a malnourished brain that's keeping me from living that way again? Was that heightened emotional experience a trigger to release chemicals in my head to get me that natural high I need to live life.was it a "high" at all???......or was it......a "normal" that I reached?
It wasn't bad!
It was a clarity.
a clarity I need to truely live again..............to be..........MYSELF??????
is it a clarity I can acheive again with the help of some nutrients, say...........food, vitamins & Royal Jelly?
I still don't eat enough, and I rarely pop my vitamines...- I'm keeping my head from being nourished. One day like a month and a half ago I was hyper.....it was the DAY AFTER I had taken some spoon or 2 of ROYAL JELLY. I never confirmed if that hyper feeling came from the royal jelly.....after all, it was the DAY AFTER!
I had taken some again, without noticing results....but I hadn't been serious to keep trying. In fact I wanted to test it out and if it really worked, I would insist that you try it, theo, instead of all that coffee you consume that is hurting you. I even thougth it may help you, Cai, when feelin down?......but then I FORGOT to experement more...
But anyways... Today....I mean this afternoon, I arose, and headed downstairs just to get some breakfast...I knew I had a million things I hadn't done over the past months, and was determined to get a few done today. So I get distracted here and there, helpin mum, playing with digital photos, etc.
then I sit at the table with my planner in front of me....but the radio is on, playing some beautiful sucky music....and I know I can't read a word of what's in front of me cuz of the music....
so I run upstairs and begin to journal.....
"what do I do, lord?
what do I freakin do?
I actually want to concentrate!"
I say as I flip my TigerDirect catalogue at the wall as I sit on my bed
I was downstatirs
went down JUST to eat
the radio's on
mum's lookin at photos
dad came home
phone in my pocet
psion in front of me
can't do a thing
paralized
**SNIP**
I want to blast pearl jam (make it all go away - deal with it later)
I want to jam on the piano - live my purpose, in that regard
I need to get out of this house?
I'm no better in the car, on the road, parked by a tennis court
I need to interact with people...DAILY towards something important because I can't do it alone
**SNIP**
I can't concentrate when alone...
I mean on the "important" things .....the "responsibilities"
I wanna cry in regret thinking of all I haen't contacted - reached out to about PW and PPL....and GOD
**SNIP**
argh!
is this ADD? "adult ADD"? I'm a genious - I'm blessed
I'm on the path to excelence
I'm a mess
I can think and feel with my fingertips.
I can love with my fingerships
can't I love and live with my body and mind as well - or just my spirit ...my soul & fingers
I am Gifted
I have more than most the world has in reach
I got true friends, and true love
I have strength, health, and opportunities
I have music flowing through all that I am.
I have a God who hears me...who saved me....who is with me....my creator - the one who knows and directs me
I have pathways - God's gift to me...so I may gift the world.
I even have a psion I didn't pay for!
do I dream too big? no.
**SNIP**
I have the health, books, and education
I have CREDIT! I have my own room. I have socks, and clothes,
I
I
I am loved
I even love mylsef now
iz it drugs? is that what I really need?
so that's what ran through my head.....a rant of how I'm fully capable of doing much. I have NO EXCUSES............but remain paralized.
someone once told me I'm "holding myself hostage"
It all comes back to worries (usually mistaken as "fears").....but perhaps there's something more.....something beyond my anxieties that I need to deal with....
=====================
I wrote this entire entry to lead up to this.... (now that I lost my audience
) Just did a tiny bit of research online, and wanted to share with you what I found so far to be perhaps the best supplament for A.D.D. folx:
Växa's
( http://www.ADD-ADHD-Help-Center.com and http://www.NoMoreADD.com )It's got a 1-YEAR Money Back Guarantee, all natural, no side effects, takes weeks to months to start working (belive me, that's a good thing), got 70 yummy ingredients, and they got other pills to pop for other related conditions.
it seems like something to STRENGTHEN/GROW/REPAIR the brain rather than a chemical quick-fix, or stimulant, and it can even be taken along with the evil drugs!
I just ordered it from the cheapest place I found: NourishingFoods.com They offer free shipping when I get 3....I'll need to start with 3 anyway before the results set in.
I encourage you to spread the word about alternatives to drugz for anyone U know on them.
Taking Care,
~Binhi
Currently Listening to: :sing: Pearl Jam- Live from Hamburg Germany,Side B - Black:sing:
Currently Reading: http://www.add-adhd-help-center.com & http://www.nomoreadd.com
Currently Watching: my pride get squished
Currently Feeling: promising
Whadduya feelin?
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