PumpkinSeed.tk ~ Where usta abounds
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Like a love without devotion, like a cloud without the rain; Like a heart without emotion, like a wound without the pain. Like a prayer without an answer, like a bird without a song; Like a hope without a future, like a night without the dawn. Without You, I am nothing; I am nothing without You; Only You can make something out of nothing; I am nothing without You. ~PAUL & RITA BALOCHE
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May 20, 2005 , 12:16 AM Introspections, inside the outside

PumpkinSeed

02:27am
sittin @ my pc

sittin


sittin...........




going through some images - reviewing a year before my eyes

one friggin lovely year


a freakin year.


and I don't want it to be just memories and learning experiences.

it's too frigin real.

I carry it with me every moment...who I've become - who I've abosorbed.


is it "carrying" when it becomes part of you?


~~~~~~~~~~

browsed through my "friends" intently for the first time in quite a while. Good to see yer all still alive - the suicide bug hasn't gotten ya's! (:

miss the hours spent getting to know all of ya's...now it's just one hour every few months?

~~~~~~~~~~


Instant Messaged a friend, "USTA ka na?"









"you there?"








no reply.

skimmed through the chat history log file - still I shed a tear.





waiting patiently.



this is "patiently" isn't it?






I realize I haven't blogged from the heart in quite a while....Janurary? Feburary?



weird being concious again....

miss living from the core...but I know I'll be back in a new and powerful way....musical again....creative again........biger than ever.



and I realize soon....very soon, my parents will discover my tabby. I aint really hiding it anymore.....


and I think of that before I type a word here......am I about to self-sensure myself in this realm too?


am I already

iz that why I haven't been bloggin much?

~~~~~~~~~~


good to read through some posts by theo, aleea, kaith, norm, nikoz, and a bunch others......

I feel so distant where I've delved in so deep before.


good to see theo's still dream-hunting, and aleea don't let life get in the way of living and creating her future....


still have some heros in sight

~~~~~~~~~~


spent some time on the piano earlier.....wondering just how uniqe it is, the souds it makes when I touch it.

~~~~~~~~~~


staring @ one picture amongst the rest.......who's the one captured? the one in the pic or the one lookin @ it?

~~~~~~~~~~


just

just wanting to use this outlet agin - to feel what I've felt before............. but I've grown or sumthin........

and

I dono......seems like .........it's time to sing instead of type

like my typing phase is over

type i will, but no longer as the final end.

yes. yes. PumpkinSeed.tk

"here usta abounds" indeed indeed!

~~~~~~~~~~


commented to fairytales (clarisse) how I miss playing songs of a gurl


perhaps........perhaps there are some songs of a seed to be played

perhaps no longer looking outside for inspiration, but releasing the beauty within. the friggin passion locked away deep inside...

the pssion, not for a gurl, but for.......

well....

I gotta lotta passions locked away! I can pichk anc choose any.

not as inspiration - more like perspiration!

LET IT OUT!



and so I type

takity-takity-tackity-tack......

and................my life is sTILL friggin good!

and toally blessed.

~~~~~~~~~~


and I begin to doze


alone

but not for long.

dozin


dozin.......................................

and I see it.............

I see a mazgzune rating superb vlass special

manym inutes lat =======

huh? english?

I don't know what "vlass speical" is

~~~~~~~~~~


and do I type


sleepyheadedly type, I do...

remembering the good ol days of sleep-typing ionstant message conversations....wonwdo






~~~~~~~~~~

and I wait

only got mr

when do I want to do wht I lov to do that Iwas afrait do f
and my head droops

I'm out sbout sbouu



snarf



and I miss my giliw





time I get a third one anways........

I love you, Andrew.

Currently Listening to: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Currently Reading: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Currently Watching: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Currently Feeling: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
2 insights Xpresed

===============================================

Want to comment with Tabulas?. Please login.

Comment posted on May 23rd, 2005 at 12:52 AM
I've hid...

cuz I don't feel comfy talking about what's really on my mind...what's on my heart....who's on my heart.

guess I been afraid they'd say I was wrong...

for some reaon, I don't like it when I think people think I'm wrong...

haven't liked the condemnations of others...tho in my mind, I know they don't matter, still I let them keep me in hiding. But I know I only need to be concerned about one person's acceptance, and he's the most accepting person in the universe.

I'm hiding less and less...

btw, recognize the new background?
Comment posted on May 24th, 2005 at 03:43 AM
oh yes, definately, I've shared MUCH more with a few friends than my parents.

I value those friendships quite dearly...and credit them for some of my sanity! ;) Thre's only so much that can be kept perminatly locked in w/o causing damage.

But I do realize, as long as I'm staying afraid/concerned of my parent's judgement (especially since I live with them) I keep myself very small and never grow up. I gotta face em one way or another to achieve being ME. Some people do it by totally disregarding/ignoring/fleeing from their parents. But I also recognize a value in being at least somewhat open with them. It lets me discover their true judgements, and not just the ones made up in my head; we can actually address some judgemnts they have and hammer them away; and god grief, I've even been surpised by getting their.....eek....SUPPORT!!

weird.

as for the pic, it's the scene looking towards RT4 from the ledge of the loungs @ Alumni Hall (Above Jeepers)

PumpkinSeed
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