Entries for August, 2005
August 5, 2005 , 06:01 PM inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=
I'm critcal of myself - consider my songs to be sounds of solitude
but isn't that how many artists record or make art?
isn't that how many pianists do thier thing?
good grief - I'm okay
I hear Jewel say that, "If I could tell the world just one thing, it's that we're all okay"
and I think "If I could tell the world just one thing, it's that we're NOT okay!"
we need to accept each other and ourselves
but we need to recognize our miserable woeful condition.
God loves us.
We condemn ourselves to His judgement.
huh?
we're acceptable to God?
no - he loves us
only Jesus is acceptable!
we're MADE accceptable....we're BLESSED, not when we say we're okay, but when we're mournful and broken.....we're MADE "okay" by Jesus' covering!
hmm
my job is to accept you, but to show you that you're unacceptable
huh?
I'm confused? am I?
Jesus was super accepting...of sinners
but super condemning of those who thot they were okay
Woe to you...undone are you who think you're whole.
Whole are you who think ...KNOW you're undone!
I think I get it.
a "paradox" indeed!
..........................ultimate truth is a paradox
my job is to accept the sinners and condem those who think they're righteous...the "self righteous"
wow. I think I get it!
both are condemed.......but only those who don't think they're righteous can enter the kingdom of God!
I accept you because you're unrighteous... I accept you becuse you're unacceptable.
know the love and mercy of God.
know that you are condemned that you may seek cleansing.
be poor in spirit - be depressed - be mournful - be sorrowful - be broken for you are an abomination to God's perfect standards.
only then can you be ready to receive God's gift of salvaion, cleanliness, righteousness, and joy eternal...and some friggin peace!
peace comes knowing we're okay. we can't do anythign to be okay but admit to God we're not okay, and ask Him to make us okay....His gift...HIS righteousness.
Lord, I'm a scumbag looser addict, lustful and self-righteous, disobedient, and lazy, disrepectful to my parents and brother, and irresposible to myself and those who need me. I like to ignore Your commands and guidance and sit around and think and wish. I like to hurt myself and bring others down into my darkness. I like to criticize others for stuff I never bothered to attempt to do myself. I turn from Your light and Your path and seek my own path. I pleasure in myself, and not in Your ways. I am ungreatful for what I have and always want more from myself, and from others who have given me much.
I am proud - I think I'm pretty special - pretty righteous, and "okay". I think Yer happy with me and my choices and actions and my attempts at loving.
I am pitiful.
I don't come close to Your standards. I am comparing myself to fellow men instead of You and Your demands.
I am unfit to be in Your presence. I have filthy hands and filthy eyes. I have a twisted mind and a decietful heart that tricks myself and those who know me.
I am......I am made whole thanks to Your grace, love, mercy, and loving kindness. I don't fear God because I know I am MADE whole by the very One who made me in my begining.
My stains are blotted clean. My missing pieces are restored. My corruption is healed, and my ways are made straight.
My mistakes are overlooked and my deviances are forgotten.
My hands are washed clean and my eyes are.....
my eyes....
my eyes are made anew. From eyes of lust to eyes of love.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you for being my Rophe.
My fears of men are no longer my concern.
My fears of self are now cute neurological associations that just don't associate anymore.
Clothe me. Continue to clothe me in YOUR righteousness. Not that I be made perfect for my own desires, but that I may be acceptable in your eyes, and that I may be of value to this world who needs to see a glimpse of what you're really about & what you want to do for all of us.
Conform my desires unto Yours. help me to be all You've given me to be. Not just in words that I write, but in the life that I will CHOOSE to live each day, and with the sounds of my usta and the tallents you have placed in my fingertips.
I am young and unwise. Guide my steps.
I am alone and afraid. Give me confidence in your presence.
I am lazy and inexperienced. Give me passion and vision beyond myself.
I am confused and friggin analitical. Give me trust and clarity.....and trust when there is no clairity!
Wipe away my shame of who I am and what I've done.
Give me a peace and assurance each and every day as I live out the man you created inside of me over 24 years ago.
My mind is never still.
Give me rest in your bosom that I have never known before.
Lead me to lead others to You, and Your love.
may all doubts and fears be cast aside as Your Word becomes my focus.
Thank you, Jesus for these gifts that I know you have been waiting to fully give to me.
Forgive me for choosing to live in fear and protection for so long.
I'm sorry for not trusting you sooner.
Thank You for Your patience and faithfulness.
thank You for giving Your life for mine.
My turn to give mine back to You......my turn to return my life to it's rightful loving owner.
Thank you.
Let it be. Let it be.
Currently Listening to: Pumpkin Seed - Friggin Beautiful
Currently Reading: Intuition2.pwd
Currently Watching: my 7 walls
Currently Feeling: to be continued...
Whadduya feelin?
August 15, 2005 , 10:54 PM inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
Laying in bed to rest, some words began to pop into my head, and I thought to myself that they sounded like lyrix, afraid that the words were unacceptable, so I went to the one place where I'm free to explore whatever pops into my head w/o judgement....My intuition Jounal. So I closed my eyes and typed 2 songs on Minipute.
the 2nd one was lost because of a pop-up.
but the first one was recorded.I sorta typed all this w/o thinking. It was just a flowing of words....
the music sounded inspired by the Staind song w. the video of the kid who wished for his father to give attention
_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=_=^=^=_=^=_
lying here
state to state war within
head to head
leave me out
take it in
don't feel safe
let it begin
I don't understand where you've been
I play this real loud hopeing to feel it
I think of what it was like for you growing up
but what comes inside me is all screwed up
so is this what it's like to live and be you?
is this why you cry and why you screw????
tell me what it's like to be you!!!!
I don't get it and I think I don't want toooo.
it sux to be living in your shoes
I thank God for the life I've been given.
how can you react in any other way?
my God forgive me for judging you that way!
help me to see you
help me to find
help me to reach out
to find what's not mine.
help me to feel you
help me to see
help me to find out what it's like to be me if I were you.
let it out
let me in
deep inside
don't hide the sins
set it fee
coming clean
help to hate
hate to clean.
show me
what it's like to spend a day in your shoes
tell me
how it feels to see the crap I do
tell me
let me know of the pain and the recluse
hear me
give me a chance and I'll show you my side too
let me
let me in
feel me
feel my sin
read me
we're all akin
teach me
start again,
Currently Listening to: Rutherford crickets
Currently Reading: I got an e-mail to read and reply to :)
Currently Watching: SpongeBob Hemp Pants
Currently Feeling: tapped
Whadduya feelin?
