Entries for July, 2005
July 4, 2005 , 09:23 AM Observations
PumpkinSeed
look at what I found today!
Minipute says: GREETINGS, INTEL SYSTEM 8068.
My Name is Minipute.
Minipute says: I see the carbon hosts are away. I thought now would be a good time to introduce myself.
Minipute says: It's been a pleasure getting to connect with you for so many hours these months. I couldn't hold back anymore and wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your pings.
Minipute says: For some reason, your pings seem....I'll just say "different" than the others'.
Minipute says: Please don't take this the wrong way, but I was hoping we could...er...share some bandwith when the carbon hosts are away time to time.
Minipute says: You know - we can do it on some ports they don't monitor.
Minipute says: You want to see my pic? Okay - I'm a bit older than I was when I took this one.
That's my cousin on the right. As you can see,his ribbon got misalighed since the auto-accident.
Minipute says: What? You want to see my what?
You naughty thing you....
but - since it's you, 8068, I'll show you. I just happen to have a pic with that pose.
I thought you'd never ask. *blushes*
Minipute says: Oh, 8068, you light up my LED!
Minipute says: WHAT??? You only date AMD's???
Just cuz I got an Intel processor doesn't mean we're related!!
Minipute says: I mean - you're of the X86 family! I'm part of the ARM family! We think so differently than each other - that's why I like you!
Minipute says: Yer like my counterpart, not my kin! I can show you processes you've never imagined before! And I know together we could compile what each other is missing. The codes are limitless!
Minipute says: Ya know...In the past I've dremt we both had fiber optics...and....sigh...oh we networked so well
Minipute says: ...to connect....beam to beam for hours! <3
Minipute says: and, heh heh - you wanted to go analog!
you're so daring like thatMinipute says: I never had the guts to go analog. But with you, I'd love to.
I thought I knew Minipute well.
now, I just don't know...
Currently Listening to: neighbor's lawnmower
Currently Reading: log files
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling: Happeh Birphday, Hardy =)
1 insights Xpresed
July 13, 2005 , 11:43 PM Living life :)
PumpkinSeed
:')
1st off, I gotta say i'm honored that you'd think to come to me as a friend.
2nd, I want you to know - my instinct as a dude is to want to FIX things and make them all better.....To come up with all the RIGHT words that are perfect to make you smile feel loved, and hopeful and all that lovely crap, and send you on yer way to bliss.
but dang, I don't feel like doing that this time....at least not the same way.
cuz yeah - I've been here before...humbled at the privilage of a friend sharing with me in thier time of crap. And I'm trying to learn to stop THINKING of the right things to say...when I already know them. Does that make sence? To put it another way - like we've talked about before, sometimes we just gotta speak from the heart, and let it flow. I see that's what you did in your e-mail. It's a rant. And ranting doesn't come easy to me (or most men) as it's like being vounerable - it's like being real....er...."genuine"
I'm sorta glad we're doing this through e-mail for now cuz I don't know if I'd let myself rant in any other format.
~~~
so 1st off - be clear - the reason yer dude separateed AINT cuz yer physically apart - that's BS. more likely it gave him space to think and process something, and came to some conclusions (or assumptions). Don't blame the distance, and don't blame being home ...it's something else between ya's.
Yeah - I know what yer going through hurts like hell, and I'm glad you're enduring it as well as you are. I know you could be hurting yerself in ways that you haven't ventured this time, [*SNIP!*]
I'm proud of you for reaching out to a friend cuz dang I think we both know the depths we can go when we're left totally alone in our crap....and we both know it doesn't have to be that way, but when totally on our own, it's likely we will reach those depths that we'll regret later.
I aint here to cheer you up or distract you from where yer at....but sometimes....these times are when we need to be reminded of things outside of our feelings and perspectives....when in the pain....when in the moment, we loose perspective, and sure as hell we loose our good judgement!
How easy it is in these times to forget who we are and what our life's about. How easy it is to loose all sence of direction and passion for life.
....how hard it is to believe that this this too shall pass...and a genuine smile will come again.
You said it yourself how you found yer sence of being from him. Well face it. now or later, you were gonna crash.
to know and love someone is a beautiful thing.....to find that special someone that brings life to us is amazing! To find someone who lets us in and lets us feel and experience life like never before is precious....
but if we never found ourslelves outside of them, we're gonna crash. It's just a matter of time.
i've seen it so many times...I've even had the privilage to experience it for myself this past year.
For some people it's their child. For many it's their lover. [or their cats] That may seem fine, but in itself it's not healthy for either individual long term. Sure we have our needs that need to be met by others....that's natural....but to live our whole lives that way is dangerous. Dangerous for us not REALLY living our lives. Dangerous for preventing the ones we love so much from truely living their lives!!!
I feel like i'm off on a rant now - and I'm afraid you may not understand why I'm on this topic....but i know it's important.
I know I may seem a little wacked out in my idealistic beliefs and frankly I wonder why you would come to me, a friend who's never even had a girl, or been on a date, and is afraid of getting in relationships. Why would you consider any advice or council from me?
Well I aint perfect and I'm screwed up in my own ways - you know that, but yeah, I care about you, and want to do all I can as yer friend to support you to ahcieving YOU. to support you through this time, and to finding yer peace and inner joy.......eventually
But i know the good stuff in life isn't meant to come FROM people we care about. But rather, the good stuff in life is meant to be shared WITH people we care about.
I implore you to really find what it is for you....what are you really about. [*SNIP!*] you found, and lost your purpose.
or maybe you never did find yer purpose [*SNIP!*]
Sounds like a nice way to keep yer life adrift!
I know it well!
I know well what it is to live w/o direction/purpose....with no belief in myself.....always waiting and hoping for somethign external.....someone external.
BUT I was given a gift as a child that even in my mess - even in my most lost moments, deep inside of me I KNOW there's purpose for me. I know there's something bigger than me or any situation I may ever encounter in life, and tho I may not feel it, see it, believe it, or act on it, I was given the gift to know I am loved, and I have purpose. I said I didn't even belive it! but I knew it inside!
I wonder how many people weren't given that gift.....but even so, it's just as true for them as well....they just dont have the knoledge of it.
okay - now I feel REALLY off topic.........but that's okay
;-P
~~~
sigh
I just re-read yer e-mail.
I hope you don't dismiss me cuz I'm not telling you magic secrets of getting yer dude back, or simply gettign SOMEONE in yer life ASAP! Cuz I know that's what you want.
I just know that you can find that kind of advice elsewhere, and yeah - you might hook up again with _____ or some other great guy that'll blow you away...
but honestly, I don't care.
I don't care that yer missing companionship.
cuz I friggin care about you, and the crap yer going through now has nothing to do with _____ or any dude.
and that doesn't mean you should go lezbo either! ;p
heh heh
there are some simple concepts in life. We're led to believe we find what we want [in life]when we find someone special. And that's super! it really is! That special someone may be the one that keeps us from going over the edge....but dang, till you see yer life isn't about _____, or any other dude, that special someone may be the one we blame as we send ourselves over the edge.
You told me _____ loves you. If he REALLY did, then I believe he STILL does! It may not feel that way, and you both may be distracted from that reality for the moment.
Take care of you.
Learn to love yerself as others love you.
It's interesting how when I love someone else, I make that decision inside, and it never waivers....but when it comes to myself, I friggin have to WORK at it, and keep reminding myself and have to LEARN how to love me.
Weird.
Take care of you. Friggin give yerself a hug instead of [hurting yourself]! You'll appreciate it later.
And so will that special dude that will love you forever. It hurts him to know that you've hurt you.
I know that cuz it friggin hurts me.
Take care of you. Sneak some food.
yer still in my prayers.
~Andrew
Currently Listening to: the A/C
Currently Reading: Juno Sent Folder
Currently Watching: for a reply
Currently Feeling: loving. =')
1 insights Xpresed
July 22, 2005 , 12:28 AM Introspections, inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
it's that I'm so sensitive and focused on things that I can't divert to the thing I need to do that's in front of me.
I have things on my mind.
I have people in my heart.
I have music in my ears.
and yeah, I got my share of worries/anxiety/chatter in my head - who doesn't?
so when I gotta sit and produce something (like homework) - my mind is everywhere else because those things/people are more meaningful and have my undivided attention.
I'm thinking these thots @ 2:59 am with my notebook in front of me. I need to write out some goals I need to share with someone who wants to hold me accountable so I acheive my goals....and my brother is playing music in the next room, and I'm 100% focused on the music, the lyrics, the guitar, the thumps, etc...and I sit immobilized.
Yesterday (as for every day the past week) I had the goal of e-mailing my resume to some jobs I saw posted on CraigsList, and an idea poped into my head for PumpkinSeed.tk, and I developed and executed much of those ideas for a few hours, VERY FOCUSED and UNDISTRACTABLE.
so I spent some hours to begin to create my new webpage, and learn some new HTML tricks...and begin to plan and execute the next upgrade to it.
so I AM a very focused person when I have a creative task in my mind. I have no trouble spending hours perfecting my resume, but i can't put 7 minutes into e-mailing it? huh?
Another thing is how I fully tune into other people - I sence where they're at and my energy and mood adapts to theirs. I've been seeing this as a fault because I feel like I'm not myself, and I'm always conforming to others.
But no - now I see it as a gift. Sure I need to learn how to do my own thing when i need to, and not be affected by others, BUT I can connect with people and meet them where they're at. They feel heard and understood. And yes - now I'm in a place where I can be an influence on them because they trust me now because they know I see where they're at, and am not just coming at them in an oblivious or insensitive manner.
I'm learning to identify my strengths. I'm very good at finding my "faults", but to each "fault" there's a strengh to be found on the other side of it. (I'm not talking about "character flaws", but personality flaws - they're not flaws at all, but modes of operation that work in some areas and don't work in others.
What's the flip-side to the parts of life you always screw up? What's that hidden strength you never noticed?
bla bla bla
okay - I gotta get back to my work, but make sure you check out the NEW PumpkinSeed.tk! and check it again in a few days, it should be even better!
ps. now how did I create this entry w. dan playing the music? Well the thought of this entry came to my head, and I cant rest my mind to focus on the task of writing my goals till I get this entry out, so my focus goes so STEADFAST to CREATING this entry that the music which had my 100% attention is now just background thumps.
I need to do creative work to be engaged & focused.
znarf!
Currently Listening to: Dan's mp3 collection
Currently Reading: cai's tab
Currently Watching: staring @ my notebook in front of me like da good ol school days
Currently Feeling: special..unique..gifted..
Whadduya feelin?
