Entries for January, 2005
December 31, 2004 , 05:22 PM
PumpkinSeed
been an interestig day.
hmm
was really surprised to be jut typing away at my job, taking a pee break, and coming back to the desk....
and noticing I felt 2 things.
1. "dead"
huh?
What's that!?!?!? Never noticed that before in my life!?! That was a real shock.
It wasn't strong - just a faint feeling....
I take it that...
dang....I guess by deciding to "move on".... I shut down a part of me... a portion of the part where you reside in me. I know you'll never leave me...you'll always be in me...but "dead", a small part of me is dead.
wow
I've seen that word before on other Tabbers' blogs, and never quite understood it. I think I've had a taste.
and the other word.
Word number 2:
"numb"
???
ok - hmm - "numb" - I've been there before - I know that well - too well!
I spent much of my life, where I felt I could sing the song, "I have become comfortably numb"
I used to enjoy it!
I haven't felt numb in months! I know "numb" isn't real, but a covering of other feelings.
I haven't taken the time to explore what I'm covering....
I'm sure it'll lead to tears if.....when I do.
Numb aint a valid feeling as far as I'm concened. There's sumthin goin on inside.
I always assumed most people felt numb all the time - ....ok - I'm gonna cut myself short here. I think I've already blogged about that in an old entry.
besides that, I've had a prett good day. It aint over - got some more stuff comin up....may even work some more. Just thought I'd share my 2 words.
Love you.
~Seed
Currently Listening to: Sting - Inside
Currently Reading: intuition.pwd & Juno inbox
Currently Watching:
Currently Feeling:
Whadduya feelin?
January 13, 2005 , 01:58 AM
PumpkinSeed
2004-12-25 X-Mas
16:56
sittin @ granny & aunt's place - watchin Turner Classic Movies
Seems every time I catch a movie on this channel, I get a pleasant surprise, and get stuck watchin at least 2 movies, and tend to relate to something in each of them.
6:00 pm
Annie Get Your Gun (1950)
Fanciful musical biography of wild West sharpshooter Annie Oakley. Betty Hutton, Howard Keel, Edward Arnold. Director: George Sidney. C-107m
Frank: I can jump a hurdle.
Annie: I can wear a girdle.
Frank: I can knit a sweater.
Annie: I can fill it better!
Frank: I can do most anything!
Annie: Can you bake a pie?
Frank: No.
Annie: Neither can I.
Frank: Anything you can sing, I can sing sweeter.
Annie: I can sing anything sweeter than you.
Frank: No, you can't. (Sweetly)
Annie: Yes, I can. (Sweeter)
Frank: No, you can't. (Sweeter)
Annie: Yes, I can. (Sweeter)
Frank: No, you can't. (Sweeter)
Annie: Yes, I can. (Sweeter)
Frank: No, you can't, can't, can't (sweeter)
Annie: Yes, I can, can, can (Sugary)
Annie: Yes, I can!
Frank: No, you can't!
heh heh - so that's where that song came from!
I was surprised I enjoyed this film so much.
even more surprised I felt I could relate to some of the part about luvin....or not bein with the one ya luvin Huh?
Never seen a monolog before like the one Annie did when she was trying to figure what would happen if her dude came on board....kinda reminded me of the insanity I let loose in my Intuition Journal at times.
8:00 pm
Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (1936)
When he inherits a fortune, a small-town poet [Longfellow Deeds]has to deal with the corruption of city life. Gary Cooper, Jean Arthur, Lionel Stander. Director: Frank Capra. BW-116m
"either he's the most dumbest stupidest man in the world, or else the greatest man alive"
"all my life I just wanted somebody to talk to....
I always hoped that imaginary girl would turn out to be real"
"afflicted with halucinations of grandure..."
"he walks in the rain without a hat, and wistles, and sometmes he sings"
he appears to be manic depressive
"why shouldn't he keep quiet, everytime he spoke people laughed at him....
he could never fit in with our distorted view points"
"Mr Deeds, not only are you sane, you're the sanest man to ever walk into this courtroom"
This is a Columbia Picture
oh no! Meet John Doe is coming up! I saw that movie a long while back - that one stuck.
10:00 pm
Meet John Doe (1941)
A reporter's fraudulent story turns a tramp into a national hero and makes him a pawn of big business. Gary Cooper, Barbara Stanwyck, Edward Arnold. Director: Frank Capra. BW-122m
"I know the world's been shaved by a drunken barber"
"wake up, John Doe, you're the hope of the world"
"My wife kept me up all night, saying "that man's right - nobody in this world gives a hoot about their neighbor""
"how about we make a place to get together to know one another"
"I never worried about poele before - they were just people to fill up the bleachers"
"Maybe thet're just lonely - just waitng for someone to say to come over"
"I think she's in love with anothere man - the real John Doe - the guy she made up"
"your a fake...
we're the ones who belive in what we're doing"
"Oh John - if it's worth dying for, it's worth living for"
Currently Listening to: There's No Business Like Show Business...
Currently Reading: TurnerClassicMovies.com
Currently Watching: oh nothing
Currently Feeling: retroinactive
Whadduya feelin?
January 13, 2005 , 02:12 AM
PumpkinSeed
my mind is restless
my heart swings
my soul cries
the possibilities flourish
I rationalize things one way one second
then I rationalize them the other way the next second
I yearn
I long
I wish
I don't know what I want
I try to figure out what's best
I refuse to suppress my feelings ever again
I fight to accept myself....my love
I say I'm okay - this is normal
I pray.
I remember what I've learned
I remember where I've been
I never want to go back
I decide to put me second again
I decide to love purely again....
I forgot how.
I'm in love.
the impossible seems so possible!
countless hours spent trying to figure you out - place you in a box
no such box exists
sanity fades....................
etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.
...and I check my email.
and with just a word from you
like a tranquilizer shot to my veinsall is at rest
all is at peace
Thank you, dear.
written: 2005-01-02 sun day
22:06
Currently Listening to: Pearl Jam - Long Road
Currently Reading: inbox
Currently Watching: for the next peep
Currently Feeling: elated
Whadduya feelin?
January 13, 2005 , 07:54 AM
PumpkinSeed
PumSeed says: then when ya tell sumone aobut it, it just comes out in a few sentences as if you were summarizing a movie plot?
PumSeed says: as if...
PumSeed says: you had a total outsiders perspective available to you all along....inside yerself
PumSeed says: but never looked at it till ya had to talk about it?
PumSeed says: and it all seems....so simple?
PumSeed says: that's what happenz whenever I talk with my old pathways buddiez , giving them an update on what's been up in my life, and I mention ________.
PumSeed says: and I step back in awe
PumSeed says: wondering what I just said
PumSeed says: could it all have been that simple?
PumSeed says: and when I do that....
PumSeed says: the choices I struggled with for weeks in tears
PumSeed says: seem so simple and obvious
PumSeed says: so
PumSeed says: cold
PumSeed says: it's weird
PumSeed says: iz that clarity?
PumSeed says: iz that clarity or ignorance?
PumSeed says: is it heinsight, or disconnection?
PumSeed says: or
PumSeed says: is it trying to act/be cool in front of those who expect the best from you?
__________________________
PumSeed says: and it seems so....almost silly
PumSeed says: the depth of my passion and love.....squished into a silly _______ story
PumSeed says: bleh
PumSeed says:
PumSeed says: werid
PumSeed says: and I feel no emotion when tellig it
PumSeed says: i say ______
PumSeed says: but not even feeling it
PumSeed says: I'm outta my zone
PumSeed says: hmm
__________________________
PumSeed says: the way I tell the story....
PumSeed says: usually comes to a "conclusion"
PumSeed says: ...
PumSeed says: leaving little to say
PumSeed says: sounding like I got it all figured out
PumSeed says: weird
PumSeed's friend says: but the truth is everything is all mixed up still
__________________________
PumSeed says: we talk a lot about concepts, and god and stuff
PumSeed says: but when it comes to my storiez of struggles or _____- it's just presented in this nutshell
PumSeed says: I once wrote to kaith....
PumSeed says: that sometimes we need a friend to distract us till we can step back and see the big picture
PumSeed says: I think when I'm there - in those moments - I'm seeing the big picture
PumSeed says: and yeah - it aint so bad
PumSeed says: God is in controll, and I'm on track
PumSeed says: simple
PumSeed says: I make mistakes, but it's all good - I learn - I move on and take more steps
PumSeed says: simple
__________________________
PumSeed says: is it any more complicated ?
PumSeed says: really.
PumSeed says: or....do we let feelings get in the way of simple judgement?
PumSeed says: I've lived most my life w/o feeling
PumSeed says: I'm committed never to go back
PumSeed says: but I miss that,...simplicity
PumSeed says: ...when everythign was defined
PumSeed says: but I wasn't living then
Currently Listening to: Silverchair - Miss You Love
Currently Reading:
Currently Watching: the days go by
Currently Feeling:
1 insights Xpresed
January 14, 2005 , 10:34 PM
PumpkinSeed
A Beagle?
You mean like Snoopy?
yeah - so she goes on to describe what they look like and how they behave
how they howel in the morning and at night, etc.
and I asked - who in the world would want to have one of these as a pet?
sounds like U gotta be crazy or deaf to own one....
then I got to imagining me and the pooch on a roof, looking at the moon, singing a duet.
hmm - a singing partner! That could be cool.
so I ran a Google Image Search to see what a non-Snoopy beagle looked like....
and I just melted
sigh
...
so I thought the pooch would make a great wallpaper on my Psion Netbook Pro....
so I go and "Show Desktop"
and WHAM!
there you are.
sigh
I change the wallpaper...
I'm almost in tears...
I guess it's time for a change
sigh
Currently Listening to: +LivE+ - The Children's Song
Currently Reading: my tagboard
Currently Watching: my desktop
Currently Feeling: I may really be moving on
1 insights Xpresed
January 20, 2005 , 09:19 AM
PumpkinSeed
So I'm playing my long lost Catherine Wheel CD....and I've already been up for hours, but I just got home and showered.....so I pickup my book, and randomly open up a paige.
And it took me like 2 minutes to read past the 2nd entry for some reason....I just stood there loosing focus from the book in front of me, and......hmmm
512: Believe in love at first sight.
513: Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
514: Overpay good baby sitters.
515: Never refuse jury duty. It is your civic responsibility, and you'll learn a lot. (this one's good timing since I just got summoned. WOOHOO! $5!!! =)=)=))
516: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
517: Carry Handi-Wipes in your glove compartment.
518: Never appologize for being early for an appointment.
sigh
Currently Listening to: Catherine Wheel - Like Cats & Dogs - Mouthful Of Air
Currently Reading: nope - no book here!
Currently Watching: and waiting
Currently Feeling: anticipatory..unregretful
1 insights Xpresed
January 23, 2005 , 04:59 PM Observations
PumpkinSeed
06:21
otay
just spent a few hours going through a book. (Remember - I'm the guy who doesn't really READ boox)
came across this one, and it caught my attention, Do What You Are: Discover the Perfect Career for You Through the Secrets of Personality Type
and I almost dismissed it cuz the word "career" goes against my gut. When I hear/read that word, I cringe - I think of the dronez of life - the 9-5ers, the people trying to kick each other off ladders.......but the book had cartoon people on it, so it kept my interest long enough to realize....maybe I should check this thing out.
well as far as I'm concerned, I've read nearly all of the book. I skimmed through the 1st few chapters, discovered my personality type (there are 16 types of people), then read all the parts about me, and some parts about my opposite. (1% of people have my type, 13% have my opposite)
at first I was very sceptical how merely 4 letters could define me and teach me anything of great significance. I hate being labeled or defined......but it was right on. I'd say like 98% or what I read about my type pertains to me! Screw horrorscopes - this is way more practical!
some reasons I recomend to read this book:
1. If yer hard on yerself for the way you think, feel, act, communicate, etc, it can help you appreciate those things about yerself, see where U can put em to good use, and understand some simple things to ask yerself to be better in those areas
2. If yer not happy with what yer doing in life, it can help you realize what U really want to be doing, and look at what steps you can make NOW and in the future to get to yer dreams....even dreams you never bothered to dream before!
3. Opposites attract, and if yer with yer opposite, I recomend reading about them before you go nuts trying to change or give up on trying to understand them.
4. If there's anyone in yer life U wanna understand better, and would like to support and communicate with better.
I'm thinking now, how I'd like to setup perhaps 2 hours with my family, to each figure out and learn each other's types, and read about them so we can be less critical of each other, more understanding, and communicate better "at each other's level". Perhaps we'll stop expecting each other to learn to behave the way we do ourselves!
So go to Half.com, Amazon.com, yer library, or whatever, and run through it for an hour or 4. It can really make a difference.
and best of all, you can finally fill in yer "Myer-Briggs" type in yer Tabby Profile!
=)
~LuvSeed
P.S. I'm realllllly curous what yers is as well so I can read up on ya
Currently Listening to: Kevin Jonas - I Was a Stranger
Currently Reading: DUH!
Currently Watching: time fly
Currently Feeling: enlightened:bowtie:
Whadduya feelin?
January 23, 2005 , 06:46 PM Ang pag-ibig
PumpkinSeed
Kaith says:
i also read your latest posts. and i agree that all you need is to bridge the distance. but being far or near is not really the basis of what you're feeling for each other. you just have to work it out with _____. and i hope she's willing to work it out with you. throwing love away just like that is such a waste.
I belive in soul-mates.
I belive in love at first sight.
I also belive everyone is lovable.
I believe it's possible to fall in love with anyone.
I belive just because I have a soul-mate doesn't mean I'll end up with her.
I may do something unwise to keep us apart....like holding onto someone when I'm not sure if their mine....or the one meant to be mine.
I believe most broken "committed" relationships were probably "meant to work out", but they gave up on what it takes to actively love.
I also belive EVERY "committed" relationship, whether they were origionally "meant to be" or not, CAN, and SHOULD do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to make it work out!
I belive in holding a high standard for a mate....
I also belive when you love someone, those standards are meaningless.
that's where wisdom and judgement are needed.
Love may be a decision, but usually it's subconcious....it doesn't act based on wisdom, but on many other factors. (attraction, intuition, holes filled, feeling needed, etc, etc.)
I'm learning to listen to and trust my intuition.
I'm learning to stop DISMISSING what I feel or sence, and instead work to UNDERSTAND it, THEN apply wisdom, and LASTLY POSSIBLY Judgement to it.
I think it's a bad idea to make big decisions based on feelings....even love.(!)
But rather because I love I will do my best to follow wisdom. Because in the long run, wisdom creates the best results. NOT my passions and desires, intuition, or anything else.
I say all that to say....I won't "throw my love away", and I pray I never stop feeling, or become insensitive to what my intuition is, and has been revealing.
but, for now, I know I must move on. Now isn't the time to "work it out" when I have no certainty this is "the one" or the time to be "working it out".
Is that just an excuse for me to not take the risks and not make the effort to "make it work out"???
Not this time.
I pray for the courage and strength to do what it takes to "make it work out"....when I'm with "the one".
Wisdom tells me, for now, to move on, and be available to embrace my present and future.
It's time I focus to take care of me.
Now regarding, "it's not up to us and it never was".....well, I know, at least in my life, Andrew Jacob Sahagian's life, there's a plan, and a person set for me, and I have to be careful not to do anything that would keep me out of that plan or from that person.
AS I MOVE FORWARD in my living, I'm begining to learn the plan I had never known before (though it does go along with what my heart and intution had always told me)
and I know now for certain there is someone being prepared for me. My job is to prepare for her.
=)
~Luv Seed
any questionz?
Currently Listening to: MP3's of Pumpkin Seed on the Baby Grand +)
Currently Reading: http://the-tourist.tabulas.com/2005/01/22/@682881/
Currently Watching: sno
Currently Feeling: intellectual
1 insights Xpresed
January 23, 2005 , 10:45 PM Ang pag-ibig
PumpkinSeed
...so I've heard ;p
Currently Listening to: Destinys Child - Do You Hear What I Hear
Currently Reading: an e-mail from Lyn +)
Currently Watching: my leg hair grow
Currently Feeling: peace & anxious :boggled:
1 insights Xpresed
January 24, 2005 , 11:42 AM favorite Introspections, inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
I am the singer that doesn't sing.
I am the pianist that doesn't play.
I am the prayer warrior that doesn't pray.
I am the counselor that doesn't councel.
I am the leader that doesn't lead.
I am the lover that doesn't love.
I am the writer that doesn't write.
I am the healthy eater that doesn't eat.
I am the wealthy man who doesn't gather $.
I am the giver that doesn't give.
I am the dancer that doesn't dance.
I am the friend who isn't there.
I am the listener who doesn't listen.
I am the Christian who doesn't follow Christ.
I am the drummer who doesn't drum.
I am the philosopher who doesn't philosophise.
I am the son who isn't parented.
I am the song writer who doesn't write songs.
I am the speaker who doesn't use his usta.
I am the child of The Light who lives in darkness.
I am the painter who doesn't paint.
I am the drawer who doesn't draw.
I am the exerciser who doesn't excersise.
I am the cuddler who doesn't cuddle.
I am the reader who doesn't read.
I am the mentor who doesn't mentor.
I am the student who doesn't study.
I am the wise man who acts foolish.
I am the responsible man who avoids his responsibilities.
I am the focused man who lives for distractions.
I am the donator who is $30,000 in debt.
I am the happy man who feels depressed.
I am the socializer who keeps to himself.
I am the accepting man who judges you.
I am the joyus man who sulks.
I am the dreamer who dismisses his dreams.
I am the passionate man who forgot his passions.
I am the confidant man who listens to the worries and anxiety in his head.
I am the fearless man who lives for what others think of him.
I am the traveler who doesn't leave his bedroom.
I am the progressive who can't move on.
I am the indipendant who depends on the media to tell him what he's independant of.
I am the conservative who lost his values.
I am the demonstrator who watches demonstrations on TV.
I am the activist who only tells others to be active.
I am the feeler who rationalises what he should be feeling.
I am the humble who won't share his faults.
I am the proud who puts himself down.
I am the seen in hiding.
I am the heard in silence.
I am the felt who doesn't touch.
I am the strong man who feels week.
I am the affectionate man who never shows affection.
I am the intimate man who won't open up.
I am the trusting man who who doesn't even trust God.
I am the committed man who won't commit to anything or anyone.
I am the LASER man who won't look at his goals.
I am the loved who doesn't feel it or belive it.
I am the minster who doesn't minister.
I am the seed who doesn't grow.
I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.I am
I AM
I AM
I AM HEALTHY.
I AM EXPRESSIVE.
I AM DISCIPLINED.
I AM GENUINE.
My name is Andrew Jacob Sahagian
and I AM a HEALTHY, EXPRESSIVE, DISCIPLINED, and Genuine MAN.
This is me.
Currently Listening to: The Smiths - How Soon is Now??
Currently Reading: Pathways Notebooks
Currently Watching: The death of who I'm not.
Currently Feeling: me
1 insights Xpresed
January 27, 2005 , 09:50 AM Ang pag-ibig, Living life :)
PumpkinSeed
Good lord, I've NEVER felt like this before.
NEVER.
I FREAKIN LOVE YOU
Currently Listening to: Sheryl Crow - First Cut is the Deepest
Currently Reading: Yahoo Messenger
Currently Watching: the mirror....never seen my eyes like this before
Currently Feeling: in the moment for twice
Whadduya feelin?
