Entries for February, 2005
February 2, 2005 , 01:27 AM favorite Introspections
PumpkinSeed
I realize I have differnet "personalities" that I show to different people. A few summers back, my friend's dad, Pete, pointed out three of mine. I was a bit taken back, but I played along, and over that weekend, it became very evidant as I kept living out one "personality" that almost never had been lived out before. It was pretty cool
....and it was....me! 
His name is Brian.
I mean my name is Brian?
It's been said, "We are who we think we are", or "As a man thinketh, so is he".
hmm....
so in those moments, I lived out who I was....who I never really been before.
huh?
I mean....think of acting. If ya ever tried it, with any seriousness at all, you take on a new mindset of the character we imagine ourselves to be. It's the same crap when someone is hypnotised. We are who we think we are.
So what does that say for the who we live ourselves out to be?
If I REALLY believe I'm a shy, anxious, inferior, unknowable, unlovable, unfocused, unworthy, clumsy, underachiever....well guess how I'll live!
But if someone puts a seed of doubt into my mind about any of those things....I'll begin to live a little different! I'll begin to act and think a lil differently.
huh?
My point is we have the power to determine who we are....
...or more accurately, we have the power to determine who we LIVE ourselves OUT to be, NOT REALLY who we are!
Think of it this way: we don't have the ability to create new tallents and abilities, BUT, we can RELOCATE our comfort zones, and go after and achieve new ambitions, as we simply belive that's what we're about!!
oh..........okai?
Well Sunday I got to thinking that I had 3 distinct "personalities", but Monday night, while in Prayer Meeting, I realized that what I thought was "3 personalities" was really 3 CREATED parts of me........
I put out a front - how I let others see me - that's the "me" I've CREATED for a million reasons. To get by, to meet necessities, to be liked, to have fun, to work with others, to earn $, to make friends, to get things done, to avoid pain, to take risks, to hide in my comfort zones, etc. etc. etc. This is the part of me that makes a difference in the world, that makes mistakes, that achieves, that "fails", etc, etc, etc. The part of me that sometimes goes out to impact the world, and sometimes runs in terror from the world. This is the "me" most people get to see, and get to know. Quite frankly, there are several different versions or variations of "me" I've created. In particular, the one I tried to make acceptable to family, and the christian community, and one for my "secular" friends. In actuality they're both pretty accurate to who I really am, but each has part of me in hiding. There are actually quite a few variations of "me". ("Andrew", "Jacob", "Brian", "Seed", "DJ Pumpkin Seed", "Andie", etc, etc, etc) They're my interchangable adaptable and decietfully "practical" Shells!
Then there's the "me" in my head - the voice that never silences - the one processing things, the one that's becoming wise over time, the part that percieves and process my intuition, scars, pain, knoledge, feelings, memories, logic, music, worries, hopes, etc, etc, etc - that's the me CREATED and shaped by my reactions to, and assimilations of life experiences, education, socioty, enviornements, philosophies, beliefs, etc - the inner/hidden me that makes decisions. The part of me that DECIDES what and who to share with. This is the "me" that seems to show up the most on tabulas, but rarely in my everyday interactions. I don't use my usta much when around most people, and when I do, it's my tendency to keep my thoughts/feelings/beliefs/etc to myself. This is something I've been working a lot on changing, and Tabulas, and my friends have been a great help to me to accept this part of me, and be able to share it more in other areas of my life. This is also the "deep" part of me where intellectual, "creative" and artistic stuff usually comes from: The Mind. Now what I process, percieve, and belive in my mind determines what I Live Out (see above paragraph)
Then there's one more part. The part of me no man, woman, experience, or mother nature herself could ever create. The part of me that's a miracle to exist at all. The part of me where my true personality resides. The part that has innate tendancies that show up on that Meyers-Brigs test, and all them quizilla type things. The part of me gifted with tallents, passions, life, dreams, and thank God, finally LOVE! The part of me that has instinct to grow, and has emotional & spiritual needs to be met, and desires to live, and be social with people & with my creator. This is the part of me that will never be destroyed or modified, but rather fades in and out of conciousness. This is the part of me that's always been, and will forever be. It's where my heart resides; where I feel, and where I truely love. It's where my passions and purposes live. It's the part of me that has created the 2 other parts mentioned above, yet it's the most concealed part. It's also where my creations of origional/improv music & other original/abstract art come from. It's where my passion, love, intuition, and crys come from. The part of me....who is everything that REALLY IS ME. It's my soul.
Despite my hiding, sometimes others have seen my soul. It's visible in my subtle gestures, with my artistic creations, with my expressions of my passions and feelings, and on a rare occasion when someone dares to really look through my eyes to see the real me.
I think that perhaps the time my soul was most on display was when I was a young child - before I could really create the other 2 parts of me, or put up my shell.
But yes - this is the part of me that IS Andrew Jacob Sahagian. The part of me
screaming to be released into this world, and to be FULLY lived out. I've been living from my soul more and more over the past months, but I have a long ways to go. My goal is to be fearlessly, finally, faithfully, willingly, fully "out there" by the year's end. GOD HELP ME! It's friggin hard.....but with the greatest risks & challenges come the greatest rewards, and impacts! =)I may have liked and appreciated you because I got glimpses of what you've created, and what you've shared.
I may have loved you because I know you have a soul that needs to be loved, just like everybody else does.
But I fell in love when I caught a glimpse, and was given a taste of your soul.
Mahal ini-ibig.Currently Listening to: Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories - Tails - It's Over
Currently Reading: Juno Sent Folder
Currently Watching: and waiting
Currently Feeling: held hostage by myself
5 insights Xpresed
February 4, 2005 , 08:15 AM Living life :)
PumpkinSeed
or is it healthy, like developing a callus or ripping muscles so you can do it again stronger next time, and not get hurt???
"I WILL SCREAM MY LUNGS OUTTILL IT FILLS THIS ROOM!!!!"This morning's driving from Jersey City back to Rutherford setlist:
Pearl Jam -
Black
Pearl Jam - Jeremy
Pearl Jam - Oceans
Pearl Jam - Porch
Pearl Jam - Garden
Pearl Jam -
DeepPearl Jam -
LeashPearl Jam - Rearviewmirror
Pearl Jam -
Indifference
Pearl Jam - Rats
Pearl Jam - Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town
Currently Listening to: my usta!
Currently Reading: I guess I should read up on healthy yelling
Currently Watching: snow slush
Currently Feeling: :crazy:
4 insights Xpresed
February 11, 2005 , 04:55 PM Ang pag-ibig, bla bla bla bla
PumpkinSeed
So close to paradise, but closer than I should be
It's like I'm along for the ride, it happened unexpectedly
Promised myself that I would be able to love another
But you make me feel something, my mind's always on you
I was standing in the rain (I thought about you)
I was riding in my car (I thought about you)
Feeling high like I seem to do
Every time I think about you
Saw two lovers start to kiss (I thought about you)
Had to hold back the tears (I thought about you)
Other girls no more exist
All because I think about you
Nothing seems to help, I don't even know myself
I'm trying not to think of you, but a heart does what it wants to do
Pull you up, see you smile and I must admit I get
So emotional, I think I'm falling for you
Bought a CD for my room (I thought about you)
Heard Alicia sing a tune (I thought about you)
It sends my rocket to the moon
Every time I think about you
Right from this heart of mine (I thought about you)
I wanted you every time (I thought about you)
What I feel is so divine
And it's all because I think about you
But I'm constantly reminded
Reminded that you're only someone who I'd like to know
You don't know me, you're my private fantasy
You're with me, constantly in my mind
Had a lovely day today (I thought about you)
Wasn't hard to get through (I thought about you)
Seems to happen easily
Every time I think about you
Took a walk with myself (I thought about you)
Wish it could've been with you (I thought about you)
But just one star in the sky came out for me
And it's all because I think about you
Woke to hear this song on the radio.... I guess I'm not the only one, eh? It's "Think About You " by Luther Vandross. All but 5 lines ring true for this seed. (I fixed them in italics)
yeah - I'm moving on.....enojying the love in my heart at the same time.
trying to spend one day without journaling in my intuition journal or dream journal - the idea is to be more in the real world
and I have some special things happen in my dream, and I have a lot of ideas, insights, and thoughts that I don't want to forget today....but I don't type them out like I normally do every single friggin day.
listening to some gay music on a CD that brings back some special memories....almost wanting to cry happy tears, but my brother kept interrupting me from my zone. I keep myself so isolated. I like to be isolated to think...to feel...to wish I had a friend with me. Yes - I want a friend to drag into my isolation. weird? I think back to....my tabbys from round September when I was in my lonely zone.
took a jog in the blistering cold.....then ran to my car
spent over an hour on WebDate.com ....browsing through the personals.....thinking how amazing it is that almost none spark any interst in me at all beyond their pic......realizing that's a good thing because after all, I only want one.
I think I'm wasting my time on those sites....I got more important things to do than spend hours lookin at people that aren't in my life....oh wait - that's all I know how to do! Maybe I need to try something different, eh? Wudya say??
felt good this morning & afternoon....really good....I was hopeful to make the most of the day.....I had a good start - nice and early...even saw some sunshine again!
.............but here i am again....on my bed...typing.I'm going out tonight....gotta get outta here........
alone.
yay.
Currently Listening to: KISS FM
Currently Reading: This week's goals!:alice:
Currently Watching: one day go by without journaling:zipit:
Currently Feeling: good morning
Whadduya feelin?
February 13, 2005 , 01:30 AM inside the outside, Living life :)
PumpkinSeed
....
spent some more hours on WebDate.com
came across a few decient/interesting folx this time....so I guess there are some, just not locally. I challenged myself to contact some of em, simply to help me get over my anxieties of worrying what people would think of me if I reached out and contacted them! (greetings to any of ya that are visiting my tabby! Thanx for visiting! Cheers!)
So in my conversation tonight with Dorothy, I realized how perhaps the reason I choose to look to get to know new friends on the net instead of going to a social setting to meet some new friends, is that I feel safer to open up and be closer to "myself" in that safety zone of the internet, so I'm actually testing to see if they accept me BEFORE I meet them, so I won't be afraid to approach them in real life!
Wuss!
but most of all, I think I'm learning that my fears/worries/anxieties for the most part are unfounded, and if they were based on reality, that's not the kinda people I need to like me anyway!
sigh
I also saw that some of the pre-judgements I made about people based on their looks, poses, and clotes were quite inacurate as I got to reading about them.
....
but anywayz - yeah - Mr Lonely Seed just wants to hang out with friends, so he goes and searches the net for new ones, cuz the ones he gotz don't wanna make the time/effort, or simply can't hang out. Of course there's also the factor of how rarely I actually ask them, and the fact that there are some I'm afraid to ask due to assumptions, and feelings of unworthiness.
....But even so...I still connect with some of my exisitng friends on the net, and occasionally on the phone.
and how often when I'm done these conversations, I'm just smiling cuz yeah - they may not be in reach, and they may be out of touch for months or years, but I still have the coolest friggin friends possible! I'm so friggin blessed!
I'm afraid to mention them cuz I don't wanna leave any out by accident, but tonight I was blessed to chat with Dorothy and Hardy on the net, and phone.
There's a reason I miss ya's. It's not cuz I'm lonely, or ungreatful. It's cuz yer friggin awesome friends!
you even dare to be my mentors!....to challenge me to grow and take my risks.
luv all U gurls & guy!
Currently Listening to: my brother talking on the phone in his next-door bedroom
Currently Reading: MSN Messenger Chatz
Currently Watching: my inbox for replies
Currently Feeling: loved & blessed
2 insights Xpresed
February 13, 2005 , 06:50 PM Living life :)
PumpkinSeed
this time I learned I have been pronouncing Binhi correctly, and that the first half of Salamat is supposed to be pronounced closer to "Salami" rather than King "Solomon"
yay! their food tastes better than korean food
The first time I was there, the pastor's wife asked me what tagalog words I knew. She almost blushed when I said, "Mahal Ini-ibig"
but she had a real puzzled look on her face when I tried pronouncing "puyatero"
interesting how they talk to me. They just assume I'll be back next Starday afternoon, and will join their youth group.
hmmmm......
Currently Listening to: Power of Your Love
Currently Reading: Hebrews 12 & Exodus 9
Currently Watching: a filipina....:bigeyes:.....woops! she's married:blush:
Currently Feeling: very white...& accepted:)
Whadduya feelin?
February 14, 2005 , 08:02 AM Ang pag-ibig
PumpkinSeed
there's a seed that lives
lives and grows
a seed that sleeps
eternally dreaming
there's a night
a night not so much different than the rest
a night without rest
the Galatea has come and gone
but reality is eternal
time will pass away but still you will remain
the seed is growing.....into a different creation than would have been possible before
not dented
not scarred
but imprinted into his very DNA is a new coding that grows with the seed.
the cells replicate, and with each cell there is you.
the song doesn't remain the same
singing
singing
playing
playing
and I know your impact is eternal...your imprint
but I imagine the thoughts will fade
even the feelings will fade.
I said I need you...your peep
but somehow it seems all I needed was to believe
that even when you're peepless
yer heart still gives a peep about me.
my fix
Currently Listening to: KISS FM
Currently Reading: about Pinoy Ligawan www.seasite.niu.edu/Tagalog/love.htm
Currently Watching: 2 flames burning....nearly out of sight of each other
Currently Feeling: changed
Whadduya feelin?
February 14, 2005 , 09:42 AM Ang pag-ibig
PumpkinSeed
Who would want that?
anywayz, yeah - I gotta stop investing/wasting my time into those kinda websites.
I got stuff to do...people to impact. I know I don't need to do anything special to find someone special, but to be myself, and be buzy with the things I know to do.
Currently Listening to: Brian Popin - Classics
Currently Reading: someone's journal
Currently Watching: tine fly
Currently Feeling: optomistic
4 insights Xpresed
February 19, 2005 , 10:12 PM inside the outside, Living life :)
PumpkinSeed
aight - so we all know Seed's pretty cool, but he's got some problems.
Over the years, I've had problemz with things needing decisions, focus, and discipline. In particular since 6th grade, it seemed like my performace @ school and stuff has been going downhill.
It showed up the most with homework, reading boox, writing essays, remembering what to do, etc.
What killed my grades (and helped me fail 10 courses in college, and a bunch of classes in high schools) especially was my lack of doing homework.
I had been put through various kinds of torture and love from family to get me to shape up.
but that just created resentment & spite in me....for family, for homework, for socioty!
I've always dreamed big....well I always dreamed.....Daydreamed! It wasn't untill I started my Intuition Journal that I began to stop daydreaming. I had made the daydreams tangable...expressed - it freed up my head....no longer do I have re-curring daydreams, but now thoughts put into my Psion to be learned from, reflected upon, and even sometimes shared with others! But I no longer dwell on single ideas/thoughts. =)
DISCIPLINE & DECISIONS? Perhaps that's the hardest 2 things you can ask of me. To be focused & disciplined to get something important accomplished....nearly impossible. And ask me to make a decision??? That's yer answer to prayer when you prayed for Patience! ha! I've hurt many people....loved ones....myself....relationships over these things. When asked to make decisions, I think my mind freezez....but if I look carefully, it's really racing in those moments....going through a million possiblilities and results....anxieties.....and nothing comes out....I need to know the absolute best thing to choose before I can state it. so my mind searches for the RIGHT answer rather than MY answer!
I've always been fidgety....I remmber as a kid being paid $5 from my aunt for sitting still for 5 minutes @ our CHRSITmas party. I know I can focus better on things (like tests) if I'm wiggling a foot, or tapping something....or eating (in college, I'd bring food to class & do better concentrating while distracting my hungry peers)
as a Freshie in College, Psyc 1101, we learned a lil about ADD. I remember Dr. Neil Massoth saying they didn't know why a stimulant helps the children focus in school. It made perfect sence to me! If I had a stimulant in my head, then I wouldn't need to stimulate myslelf physically by tapping or eating, or wiggling.
Now I knew, especially from 12-22 years old, that I had a GREAT ability to be VERY focused.......on one thing......excessively.....OBSESSIVELY..... I knew this because i had a 10 year addiction where I would seek after something, and never stop till I discovered all there was to possibly discover, then once I did reach that point, I'd OBSESSIVELY HUNT for the "next best thing" to discover, then OBSESSIVELY discover all there was about that "thing". I was focused, all right! And nothing else in my life progessed....even the most important things.... I'd take care of those things as I HAD to, then get on back to my addiction the 1st chance I could.
I struggled and fought it.....but I couldn't loose focus on that one thing of the moment.
When I collect things, it's in excess.... I need COMPLETENESS to that collection.....then I drop it, and forget about it - it was never that important after all!
===
I did learn one thing in Pathways Advanced about myself.....I can be focused, disciplined, and make very fast, very firm decisions.......when I'm fueled by Love for another, and know by me doing those things, I may be supporting that one I love so dearly. For the 1st time in my life, I belive I gave 100% of myself. I did all I could....I lived big. It may not have been very visible from the outside, but INSIDE I knew I was doing everything I possibly could. I was VERY MUCH outside of my comfort zone. Because I loved.
which leads me to now....I reaize I don't take care of myself because I aint loving myself.....nor am I caring for the one person I CAN CHANGE for the sake of those that love him so dearly! I am hurting those that I love....those that love me, every single friggin moment that I aint takin care of me.
sigh
====
So what about my inability to read & write & do homework? Tabulas has taught me I CAN read & WRITE......focus & concentrate......be creative & write stuff that's sorta like the dreaded essays that I had so often turned in BLANK sheets of paper in school.
I've "done my homework" and commented on yer entries, after thinking of the answers to the questions.
====
Wednesday night, after the youph group dismissed, Sister Rosemary spoke with me...askin me how things are going for me getting that great job @ the Orphanage, or in similar fields........and I told her how I had been a lazy bum on that front.
I was surprised at what I just said....cuz normally I won't let anyone get away with calling me "lazy"!
So I elaborated...I hadn't been gung-ho to get that job I need....I had done some steps, but.............I got distractedIt led to a conversation......she doesn't think I'm lazy.....Have I ever been evaluated for A.D.D.???
sigh
no....never.....why get "evaluated" when you know the answer already? .....why get a professional's evaluation when you know you don't want to take the steps after having they tell you what you should do about it?
I had been tempted to get evaluated my last 2 semesters in college. I thought that maybe if I had that LABEL, the teachers would cut me a break, or work with me MY way.
but I don't want the drugs (side effects....like homicide), and I don't want the psychologist (accountability to take on my responsibilities), and I don't want the LABEL of "ADD" to use as an excuse for my poor behaviour when I KNOW I can do better without no friggin drugs.
I KNOW what it takes to make me do things that I never do......especially since Pathways Advanced.
but I rather fight ALONE and fail then get help and succede.
would I advise that to anyone I love....hell no! Get all the friggin help you can get!
and I know there are other ways to fight ADD besides the evil medications or cocain. I know there are natural foods and suplaments "out there" that help with no side effects.......but my fear was.................WHAT IF THEY WORK?
what if they work and do what they're supposed to do............and I'm no longer the Me I am now?
I guess my main fear is that It'd affect the way I think....It would bring me out of touch with my soul, and my creativity & spontenaity, and leave me......like one of the surface dwellers.
I like being deep. I like spending hours thinking and processing and learning things.
I like philosophizing.....I like being able to sit at a piano 3AM in the DARK with my eyes wide shut, and to play things from the heart and soul that come very randomly.
I'm afraid of not being in touch with me.
I don't want to be like the hundreds of thousands of kidz that have been sapped of all their unique leadership abilities in the name of making them "fit in"!
GRR!!!! that really upsets me!
what if there are suttle nuances about me that change without me noticing, and I take on tendencies to be rude or mean or something?
====
but then....
....but then I thought of what I felt like on my last day of Pathways Leadership.....and I quote from my Tabby entry that night:
"
"in particular the
and feelings.....i had told myself to "keep your eyes big". Other people could see and sence it from within me! I never felt that before.....that awreness.....feeling.....not alone. NOT a "oneness" but rather feeling PART of human kind....a "brotherly" attachment....where I was no longer in my head, but available to those around me....even those who love me!It was at that moment I was fearless, but truely excited to meet you, Cai! It was that moment I was willing to express my love for you, Theo.
I was ready for reality....I was willing to live, and take risks again for love. I was willing to take steps to take on my responsibilities.....even my obligation to myself and my creator to do everything in my ability to live out my big dreams.
It was in that moment I was finally ready to feel and belive I was loved, by you, Cai! There was no coincidence in our timing.
.....but much of the
and has faded. I know what it is to be that way, and I thank God Almighty, lover of my soul for that precious moment I can now strive for again....I thank HIM for working directly and BLATANTLY in my life as I began to trust HIM then......but I mention all that to wonder.....is it chemicals and a malnourished brain that's keeping me from living that way again? Was that heightened emotional experience a trigger to release chemicals in my head to get me that natural high I need to live life.was it a "high" at all???......or was it......a "normal" that I reached?
It wasn't bad!
It was a clarity.
a clarity I need to truely live again..............to be..........MYSELF??????
is it a clarity I can acheive again with the help of some nutrients, say...........food, vitamins & Royal Jelly?
I still don't eat enough, and I rarely pop my vitamines...- I'm keeping my head from being nourished. One day like a month and a half ago I was hyper.....it was the DAY AFTER I had taken some spoon or 2 of ROYAL JELLY. I never confirmed if that hyper feeling came from the royal jelly.....after all, it was the DAY AFTER!
I had taken some again, without noticing results....but I hadn't been serious to keep trying. In fact I wanted to test it out and if it really worked, I would insist that you try it, theo, instead of all that coffee you consume that is hurting you. I even thougth it may help you, Cai, when feelin down?......but then I FORGOT to experement more...
But anyways... Today....I mean this afternoon, I arose, and headed downstairs just to get some breakfast...I knew I had a million things I hadn't done over the past months, and was determined to get a few done today. So I get distracted here and there, helpin mum, playing with digital photos, etc.
then I sit at the table with my planner in front of me....but the radio is on, playing some beautiful sucky music....and I know I can't read a word of what's in front of me cuz of the music....
so I run upstairs and begin to journal.....
"what do I do, lord?
what do I freakin do?
I actually want to concentrate!"
I say as I flip my TigerDirect catalogue at the wall as I sit on my bed
I was downstatirs
went down JUST to eat
the radio's on
mum's lookin at photos
dad came home
phone in my pocet
psion in front of me
can't do a thing
paralized
**SNIP**
I want to blast pearl jam (make it all go away - deal with it later)
I want to jam on the piano - live my purpose, in that regard
I need to get out of this house?
I'm no better in the car, on the road, parked by a tennis court
I need to interact with people...DAILY towards something important because I can't do it alone
**SNIP**
I can't concentrate when alone...
I mean on the "important" things .....the "responsibilities"
I wanna cry in regret thinking of all I haen't contacted - reached out to about PW and PPL....and GOD
**SNIP**
argh!
is this ADD? "adult ADD"? I'm a genious - I'm blessed
I'm on the path to excelence
I'm a mess
I can think and feel with my fingertips.
I can love with my fingerships
can't I love and live with my body and mind as well - or just my spirit ...my soul & fingers
I am Gifted
I have more than most the world has in reach
I got true friends, and true love
I have strength, health, and opportunities
I have music flowing through all that I am.
I have a God who hears me...who saved me....who is with me....my creator - the one who knows and directs me
I have pathways - God's gift to me...so I may gift the world.
I even have a psion I didn't pay for!
do I dream too big? no.
**SNIP**
I have the health, books, and education
I have CREDIT! I have my own room. I have socks, and clothes,
I
I
I am loved
I even love mylsef now
iz it drugs? is that what I really need?
so that's what ran through my head.....a rant of how I'm fully capable of doing much. I have NO EXCUSES............but remain paralized.
someone once told me I'm "holding myself hostage"
It all comes back to worries (usually mistaken as "fears").....but perhaps there's something more.....something beyond my anxieties that I need to deal with....
=====================
I wrote this entire entry to lead up to this.... (now that I lost my audience
) Just did a tiny bit of research online, and wanted to share with you what I found so far to be perhaps the best supplament for A.D.D. folx:
Växa's
( http://www.ADD-ADHD-Help-Center.com and http://www.NoMoreADD.com )It's got a 1-YEAR Money Back Guarantee, all natural, no side effects, takes weeks to months to start working (belive me, that's a good thing), got 70 yummy ingredients, and they got other pills to pop for other related conditions.
it seems like something to STRENGTHEN/GROW/REPAIR the brain rather than a chemical quick-fix, or stimulant, and it can even be taken along with the evil drugs!
I just ordered it from the cheapest place I found: NourishingFoods.com They offer free shipping when I get 3....I'll need to start with 3 anyway before the results set in.
I encourage you to spread the word about alternatives to drugz for anyone U know on them.
Taking Care,
~Binhi
Currently Listening to: :sing: Pearl Jam- Live from Hamburg Germany,Side B - Black:sing:
Currently Reading: http://www.add-adhd-help-center.com & http://www.nomoreadd.com
Currently Watching: my pride get squished
Currently Feeling: promising
Whadduya feelin?
February 25, 2005 , 04:21 PM bla bla bla bla
PumpkinSeed
....and I've been out of work since.
Becca was great to let me work for her.......but I wasn't takin it serious.......made just a few hundred bux.....
When I did work from 2000-2004, I spent twice as much as I earned.....but I kept some savings.....used that, and a few balance transfer overpayment "cash advances" to pay my cards till November....But that ran out
now I'm hit
and I'm takin my family down with me.
23 years old.....I know I'm smarter than, and wiser than many of my peers......but.....23 years old....I think more than $31,000 in debt
still my mind freezez when it comes to persuing a job/career, and when it comes to doing the activity for my business.
I only owed less than $3 Grand to F.D.U.....then they slapped on like a $300 late fee, then $839.70 of "collection fees" so now that's over $3.6Grand and it just went into collections.
Just paid off nearly $250 of $30 "insufficient funds" fees in my checkin account for when my 3 credit cards attempted repeated "auto-payments" for 2 months. today I finally got above $0! Now I got a whopping $1.73 Checkin balance!! =) If I didn't do that, it was just about to go into colelctions. I still owe $94 of an overddraft loan!
I've been in collections for many months for 2 medical billz.....
Been using my parent's checking account as a last resort for a little over a month now to keep most of my accounts out of collections
I NEED A JOB.....with a SALARY
I just attended an introductory evening seminar on the "Millionaire Mind", and that addressed some of my thiking towards $ and jobs....I've ALWAYS despised jobs....no wonder I don't have one now! I always saw them as something to keep people down from reaching their potential.
I'm learning to force myself......I mean I'm begining to realize how JOBS are a good thing....a VERY GOOD THING (when needed)
I have $46 available credit on the card I'm using now....which reciently had it's credit limit reduced from like $6,000 to $1,000 cuz of "Balance owed on revolving accounts too high", etc.
Got my FICO credit score of 581 today...I don't know what that means....but I know it's been better.
I know I'm just ranting now....but I'm not complaining......for what we complain about manifests and grows into bigger crap.
I'm not complaning.....I'm just sharing some of my motivating factors for me to accept the reality of my responsibilities.
Yesterday afternoon, my Happy Pillz came in the mail, and they're stinky, so I know they must be REALLY nutricious! =) I Took my 1st 3 capsuls yesterday, and 3 more today. Now I got smelly burps, but I'm glad. They seem really good. I did some more research (googling) last night, and found nothing bad on them. All good reports. YAY SMELLY BURPS!
I look at these pillz as an investment. If they can help me to focus enuff to sell 1 PPL membership a month, they're more than payed for!
bla bla bla
I know I'll be okay, but it sux to hurt myself, and those around me in the meantime. I'm missing out on nice lil things cuz I gotz no $, I'm hurting friendships where I owe them some $, my household is hurt.......
I'm missing out on having fun & meeting people, and being social for things that require $
.......I need to set some some more action steps to get me goin.........
I need......to begin to love through activity, not just words, thoughts, feelings & hugs.
Currently Listening to: Seed's renditions of Steven Chapman's "For Who He Really Is"
Currently Reading: finances.pwd
Currently Watching: the tides turn
Currently Feeling: still a litte too comfy
4 insights Xpresed
