Entries for June, 2005
June 1, 2005 , 01:41 PM bla bla bla bla
PumpkinSeed
I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want (though I reserve the right to not answer, or to answer evasively). Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including me) to ask you anything.
Salamat.
Luv U
~
Currently Listening to: shhh....we're in a library!
Currently Reading: friend blog hopin
Currently Watching: the screens of the people next to me in this library
Currently Feeling: disconneced
5 insights Xpresed
June 1, 2005 , 02:26 PM Introspections, inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
retreating from sharing me
not so much that my shell is up again....but I'm silent.
i
i don't feel safe aymore here
I just read an entry of raranada and then I realized just how shut I've bcome on tabby.
I change the background of my tabby, I post a quiz, and a questionare, post entries I initially wrote months before...
I read different tabbers silently leaving just a few nonchalant comments
I'm sorta back in my silent mode...
tellin myself it's just a phase, and I'm sure it iz....but it's a phase cuz I'll choose to resume words again, and not stay like this. Cuz being like this is what I know well, and I slip into it so easily w/o tripping any internal alarms....nearly fooling myself.
I don't want to live in cycles.
I need to always advance....so easy to get me sticky.
I begin to think that Tabulas is no longer the outlet for me it used to be, and I need to find a place...
there's some truth to that. The 2nd part is true. The 1st part is an excuse for me wanting to go back into hiding in this realm like I've done so well in the "real realm" for so long.
interesting things I do outta fear of my love.
I love U all, suckas!
^_^
why do my friends kick so much butt? I REALLY need them.
starting to get it through my thick skull that I can't be successful seed in any area of life w/o others....I just can't friggin do it alone. Not even art and music!
I'll figure this out....
we'll figure this out.
*_*
I love you.
I miss you.
I am sorry for the resentment in my heart... I only resent because you are precious to me, and it hurts.
friggin hurts.
salamat, giliws.
yeah, it's friggin ploural.
the resentment isn't of love, but of fear.....
perverted love.
but true love indeed.
===================
yeah - here I go again being vague with my words....that's what I do when I wanna speak from the heart in a public forum....still don't trust people to handle it
can't we all just get along?
where'd I leave my friends....hmmm...
wanna go karaoke tonight?
~
seed
Currently Listening to: takity-tackity-tack
Currently Reading: what I just typed, silly!
Currently Watching: people round me in the library
Currently Feeling: responsible...
4 insights Xpresed
June 7, 2005 , 06:30 PM Observations, Introspections, Living life :)
PumpkinSeed
so happeh!
after a year, my 7 cheap CDR's full of mp3's are finally readable! If I didn't know the burn process claimed to be successful, I'd probably have discarded them long ago.
oh GLORIA!
for the 1st time, seriously listening to Staind's 4th album, "14 Shades of Grey" while reading the lrics
friggin beautiful!
I think I'm doing okay
And this is the smile
That I've never shown before
Somebody shake me 'cause I, must be sleeping
...
I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
...
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive
And I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today
friggin beautiful! Thanx, Nyssa!
I wanna delve deep into this band - I've waited way too long! From the 1st time I heard "It's been a while" on the radio back in like 2000, I knew they were special, but never took the plunge.
===^^===
still didn't go karaoke yet - looks like it's on for 2morrow night. Maybe they'll have a Staind song there. I think they'd might have "It's been a while" - I can do that.
so scared.
I'm so scared to karaoke....but I just gotta do it. Cuz I know i'll kick butt and feel super for facing that fear.
I tried to go last wednesday, but I let the changing circumstances be an excuse not to go....then while getting lost driving in Bergen County, round 1:30AM, I passed a pub called "P. [Paul] Bunion" that mentioned Wednesday nights as karoke nite, so I did a U-Turn and poped inside.
Saw a sign saying "2 Drink Minimum" but went inside anyway, thinking I could pretend I didn't see the sign.
so I go in and it had people all like in their 40's to 60's, and they were singin old-school pop-rockabilly and gushy stuff.
So I chose Unchained Melody by Elvis Presley....and as I'm writing it on the lil paper, my hand is trembling, and I feel all tense. I don't even know how the Elvis Version goes (I only know the U2 version)
then a dude goes up and sings that very song. Feeling relieved, I crumple up the paper and search for 2 more tunes.
Finally choose Billy Joel's "Honesty" and The Beatles' "In My Life"...now that I think of it, a year ago, I think I mentally chose that Beatles song, but never submitted it when they had Karaoke @ La-La-No-Booze-A - I chickened out.
so I submitted my lil paper, and as I sat nervously and waited, the bartender came up to me and asked what I'll be having. Said if I wanted to sing, I need to buy 2 drinkz or food. I told her I don't drink. she said I could order sodas. I then told her the truth: I HAVE NO $! She let me know if i wanna sing, they gotta pay Mr. Karaoke dude.
so I thanked her, told Mr. Karoke dude to cancel my order, and drove off.
At least I tried
===^^^===
last nite, chatted with Arsi (and some others of ya) and it got me thinking today of how all these months I've been looking inside me so much....I've been loosing touch with my ol' passions of reaching out and impacting the politcal & social awareness, education and activism of others, and all that good stuff I can do to change the world for the better. But I don't regret lookin and dealing with everything going on inside...not one bit - I need to have the strongest insides to face the toughest outsides that I will face in my future! I aint gonna fall like others have before me. Kurdt didn't go down cuz of his circumstances, but because there was poop inside he never sorted & strengthened. Inside, he was smaller than his problems.
I'll be the 1st to admit my activity level sucks in most areas of life, but I know inside I've been growing so friggin deep and strong that when I'm "out there", facing the "real" crap of life, when I'm hit, I aint gonna fall, but I'm human, and I will fall time to time, but when I do, it aint gonna be for very long, or very far down...more like a stumble than a fall! Problems will come my way, but in the big picure, on the inside I'm growing bigger than those problems, and they're not gonna be problems at all...just situations to deal with or ignore.
Aleea, I see you doing this too. You may be facing crap now, but I know inside yer growing very wise and strong, where in your future, you'll be bigger than any crap to come yer way. Yer equiping yerself to acheieve dreams others are too weak to even consider beyond a daydream.
You may be dwelling in yer Depression_Box for this time, but I know you're destined to be a light_house for others!.....the Box isn't you, but yer cacoon that's only there to strengthen you so U can soar.
I say all that because I see something inside U that's not common enough these days.
.....friggin beautiful.
===^^^^===
I thot that was the end of my entry....but sumthin inside me says It can't end yet...cuz my heart misses it's excersize ....of being expressed.
friggin miss ya, giliw. where'd ya go?
Currently Listening to: Staind - Layne
Currently Reading: Staind Lyrix
Currently Watching: sun went down, my room is in only lit from minipute and iRiver
Currently Feeling: upswing
4 insights Xpresed
June 8, 2005 , 10:17 AM Introspections
PumpkinSeed
For example, @ chuch, and even @ Youph Group, I'm like very silent during bible studies, devotions, and sunday school, then one day I was reluctantly asked to teach sunday school (no one else was available) and I gladly took it on, knowing I'd do well, tho I've never done anything like it in my life before. I put some hours into studying and did a GREAT job teaching/sharing/using my friggin USTA nearly non-stop for a half hour, and I was under the impression that people were shocked cuz the never heard me talk before beyond chit-chat.
It's like I need to be called upon, or asked questions before I'll talk or share me. The only way someone will hear me sing, comment, teach, or otherwise use my usta, is if they convincingly ask me to.....while all along, I know inside I have a TON to say, sing, and otherwise share.
So MAYBE I'm not afraid of being seen & heard....maybe....I'm just afraid of defying other's expectations of me.
I began writing this entry cuz I was journaling in my Intuition Journal this afternoon, and here's what I found myself writing:
I ....I just wanta gurl to give me permission to be me
want a gurl to say:
go ahead - make those PPL calls
do that karaoke
do yer dance
Love me
work with those kids
be yerself
pray for me
I need you to be "here"
I love you
go out & kill em
bring glory to God
we need $! now! I know U can do it, and will do it!
I need you.
it's okay to touch me
I want you to hold me.
don't care what other people think of you.
no matter what you say or do, I still love and accept all of you.
rock my world
live big
wake up!
I like your art.
Your music if friggin beautiful.
move FWD - I'm following yer lead.
I'm really heare for you - let me know yer crap, and I'll help where I can and hug where I can't
hmm.
I need to say these things to me!
all which are just signs of acceptance
I'm looking for Pre-Acceptance from someone I care about....someone whom I desire to be accepted by. And once they give that to me, I don't give 2 poops about what anyone else thinks, and I go out and do my thing.
Why can't I give this to myself? Why do I put up the excuse that I need someone else to accept me....
it's because I don't accept me.
hmm.....silly seed
When will I fully believe it's okay for me to be me and "do the drew"?
I don't need a gurl.
I need me to love me just as I am.
just like HE does.
Currently Listening to: takin a break from the Staind
Currently Reading: theo & gwetchie's tabbys
Currently Watching: Bonnie McKee - Somebody (music vid)
Currently Feeling: good morning! :-D
Whadduya feelin?
June 13, 2005 , 08:43 PM Observations
PumpkinSeed
Comment posted on June 13th, 2005 at 11:00 PM
I almost belive this one:
"The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad."
like many xtians give up on "the world", prejudge "it" as untouchable, unworthy, useless, and hopelss, and don't do squat to impact "it" for the better, or show "the world" "it's" potential beauty...
and the xtians praise God in thier buildings and tv shows, and say how bad "the world" is...
and "the world" becomes ugly...and the xtians blame "the world" for being "worldly"
But some xtians see "the world" as God does: as people....as souls....
and they love
and they share
and the souls begin to see and live out their own beauty
I would dare say the 1st group, tho connected to christ, aren't REALLY "CHRISTians", cuz they're not "like christ", in their perceptions.
I know this because I've been surrounded by both.....I've been both
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Currently Listening to: the A/C
Currently Reading: xhtml codes or sumthin
Currently Watching: through my glasses
Currently Feeling: like a W3Schools student
2 insights Xpresed
June 15, 2005 , 07:12 AM Observations
PumpkinSeed
"....You have a gift of feeling something true that yer not saying.....what happens is we got a kind of backed up energy under our fears.......If you look at...actual artists's lives ....often their greatest art comes from place of tremendous suffering, but it's offered as a gift to others, and so it opens our heart as love. There's a key in that: That if you are able to take what causes you the most suffering,...'your greatest fear'......, and you are willing to embody the action that is your greatest fear, and you will discover.....that something will start coming through you that people will go '......WOW!'
.......being willing to be in the place where you are most are afraid to be, which once you are, you're not afraid anymore, but it'll come back in a second.....you've just contributed to the depth of our art...."
~David Deida
it goes along with what T. Harv Ecker was teaching about fears @ his MMI Seminar last month in NYC...I'll share a bit of my notes:
E MOTIONS
=
Energy in MOTION
We need to let it in & out, otherwise, it's like holding yer breath - it feelz like yer stuck!
It's okay to let it out - so U can return to normal.
BREATH IN & OUT - Get unstuck- Use yer whole body!
do it for yerslf, ...
do it for the ones U love.
the way to clear emo's is to master them coming in & out
GET IN TOUCH WITH THEM, and EXPREIENCE THEM - you dislodge them from getting stuck inside
LIKE BREATHING IN AND OUT!!!!!!!!!
just like babies do
......but I guess the best time and place to un-stick them isn't during time alone, but as ACTIONS we FEAR THE MOST to do!?
hmmm....
what am I afraid to do?
what am I afriad to say?
who am I afraid to meet?
what song am I afriad to play?
what art am I afraid to create?
what sounds am I afraid to sing?
when I do those things....
....when I do those things......"WOW!"
wonder what it feels like to be fully un-stuck?
Currently Listening to: Deida CD Side B
Currently Reading: MMI Notez
Currently Watching: me get up from bed
Currently Feeling: Bueno Dias
11 insights Xpresed
June 24, 2005 , 11:38 PM Observations, Introspections
PumpkinSeed
yeah - more and more I realize how I'm a big kid.......
and I'm beginign to see.....how EVERYONE is just big kids!
there's no such thing as grown-ups/adults, but rather kids who mastered certain disciplines
sure there are "old souls" - but heck - teenagers like _____ and I are old souls in a sence,
but we're also big kids
pastor ___? I see him as a big kid!
____ ________?? - he's sorta an adult
___? - no way - total big kid!....who's a workaholic!
___? - ha!
______ ______ - pfft!
aunt _____? - totally!
uncle ______ -no question!
aunt ________ - hell yeah
pastor ______?........hmm - MAYBE not - but yeah
there are the FEW balanced people who perhaps did grow inside
like...me and ___, and ______ - still big kids, but we found sumthin others haven't and..need to share those insights to peace and stability!
perhaps for some people, they peak @ maturity in their adolescents...in that they are the most true to themselves since infancy!
adolecsents, they set some...MANY philiosophies at that age
then screw the rest of their life away
is that why I feel called/burdened to them?
they're in a critical time - more than their childhood...cuz now they're making decisions and setting their OWN foundations....and need some friggin light and guideance!
"guiding light"
but I aint here to force or convince teens to nuthin
but 2 enlighten
and pray.
Currently Listening to: PumpkinSeed - Maggstore
Currently Reading: Intuition.pwd & Kath's Commentz, & norm's tabby
Currently Watching: for cool gurls @ WebDate.com :-D
Currently Feeling: okay :approve:
3 insights Xpresed
June 25, 2005 , 01:50 AM inside the outside, Living life :)
PumpkinSeed
a glimpse into the heart of a friend
enjoy!
hmm - lately I notice how I flow more when leaving comments than when leaving my own entries!
I think it's cuz inside I still have isues of worrying about maintaining an audience, so I'm so anally careful what I post as entries, but when leaving a comment, it's directed to an individual so I know they'll read it, so I don't worry about keeping an audience, and just let it flow more.
does that make sence?
oh nevermind
just read norm's entry
~SappySeed
click it!
click it!
click it!
Currently Listening to: evenesance's "tounoquet" is playing in my head.
Currently Reading: ummm...guess!
Currently Watching: a rekindling begin
Currently Feeling: :)
7 insights Xpresed
June 28, 2005 , 01:37 PM Ang pag-ibig, inside the outside
PumpkinSeed
each moment I'm not crying is a moment I'm trying to fool myself.
each smile and laugh is a gift from my friends who can distract me enough to enjoy my life
each and every day you're thought of somehow in some way.
nearly each and every tear that has welled up is for you and you alone.
I want to be strong for you.
but I also want to break down and cry on you.
God, I love you, and wish you well.
Ever greatful for you
but never enough from you.
not knowing the right things to say
reverting back to the truths that stand outside of any emo feeling, whether "up" or "down":
I love you.
blinded by emos and assumptions and wishes, I pray we never loose the reality that we're friends...
Forever Friends
anything U need in life - I'm there to do my best for you! because no matter how I may feel - I won't forget that I truely love you.
I may never be yer best friend
I may never achieve to be yer parter in any area of life
but dang, I'm here for you and always wishing for you to be MY partner in SOME area.
I love you.
and yes - somehow, I still need you!
iz it merely "filling my holes" when the hole IS you?! ...when the hole was made molded as in impression of you?!
this aint a "God-shaped hole"
it aint my "personal needs" hole
it's friggin you, dear.
sumthin inside me still needs you.
and yeah - yer still there/here for me - still filling that hole
but dang it wishes you to go deeper and fill it all the way.
and of course I'm choked up again - holdin back the gusher.
yay love! :')
...and seeds of doubt remain in my mind....doubting we'll hug someday....or doubting I can be real with you in that moment we meet.....afraid for one reason or another I'll hold myself back
...hold myself back from crying...
...hold myself back from my 1 kiss.
...afraid I'll let you go without saying or showing "I love you." as much as I do.
each day, for you, I pray.
each day I pray we truely ingatz.
Currently Listening to: Wherever You Are
Currently Reading: Intuition.pwd
Currently Watching: dreams replay
Currently Feeling: emoseed
Whadduya feelin?
